Today marks the 6month anniversary of my mom's death. Its hare to believe it has been half of a year without her. Shouldn't I feel "adjusted" by know? Shouldn't things be some what "normal" for me? I still don't know that I've really accepted her being gone. I still expect to hear her call for me or see her sitting in her chair sleeping when I go downstairs. Six months......its unreal how strong the pain still is......and the memory of every single moment of Wednesday, February 2nd.
Ugh, forget it. I can't blog this. Can't see with these God Damned tears!! The point is, TODAY HURTS AS BAD AS EVERY DAY HAS FOR THE LAST 6 MONTHS. My mom hasnt been here to hug me, talk to me, laugh or cry with me for 6 months. And my heart is not feeling any less heavy.
I love you mom. I miss you.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
"It was more than just cheering for me. Its hard to expalain, ma."
Some days I feel like the world has forgotten about my mom. Some days I get irritated thinking that the people that were closest to her never seem to really talk about mom to me or share/show any emotion over her being gone anymore. It's enough that some days I can feel myself boiling with anger thinking that no one else is missing mom like I am....and how dare they move on and get over it!! But then there are days like today when I have a small conversation with someone that puts all of such thoughts to shame.
Today was Nate's first day of football practice. It's his 3rd year playing and he has convinced himself that this year he is going to be one of the best players on the team since he has finally grown a bit and is playing with kids his own size (he's always been one of if not THE smallest on his team....but I can proudly say he held his own when put up against kids twice his size!) Nate loves football. He may not always love going to practice, but the kid really loves game day and scrimages. He LOVES watching the Baltimore Ravens on tv and will even shout at the tv and get excited jumping up and down or slamming his hands to his head when watching a game. And if you ask him why he loves football so much he'll give you one answer...."it reminds me of my grandma and how she loved watching me play."
So today was an important day for my little buddy. And I knew that he was looking forward to strapping on his helmet and pads and seeing his teammates on the field. What I didn't know was what he was missing...or rather, WHO he was missing today.
This morning, while he was eating his breakfast and explaining to me what drills he was hoping they would do tonight, Nate shared something with me that pierced my heart. "You know ma, football used to be grandma's favorite sport. She used to like watching it with me. She didn't always understand it so I'd have to explain what happened sometimes, but I liked doing that." I sat down with him and just gave him the usual, "yeah, bud, I know....she sure did love doing everything and anything with you kids!" "Do you think grandma still wants to watch me now that she is in heaven? I wish I could see her face on the side of the field watching me one more time, or have her waiting for me to come home and tell her how awesome practice was". The next 2 sentences out of his mouth reviled my baby boy's heart to me; "It was more than just her cheering for me. It's hard to explain, ma." My mind nor mouth could form no words to speak to him. In that moment all I could do was hug him, rock him, and fight my tears. In my head all I could think was how unfair that my sweet little boy is experiencing such a deep sadness and how excruciating it is that I can't protecting him from it!! When I could finally speak I could only think to say something to lighten the moment. "i think its safe to bet that grandma is most definitely going to be watching you play football and that she has probably got ALL of heaven watching and cheering for her best little man! Even the Steeler fans up there are cheering for the J-ville Ravens this year because of your grandma!" I could breath again when Nate looked at me and giggled. I did my best to talk to him and reassure him that grandma is and always will be proudly watching over him even though we can't see her. And that just because she isnt here with us doesn't mean her love isn't. Words came out that I wasn't even aware of to comfort my Nater-Tot....and I can't help but wonder if that was my mama talking through me.
My son had such a strong connection with my mom. I know I've said it before, but truly they had an incredible bond. And in my own selfish grief I didn't consider how Nate has been feeling in all of his "big moments" since mom's death. This was an eye-opener for me. It isn't only myself that still feels the sting. A little J-ville Ravens player is battling his own emotions with the loss of this incredible force in his life. And its more than just her cheering that is gone for him.....its hard to explain and yet I completely understand it now.
**He's got a big heart, mom, you know that. But that big heart is holding lots of pain. He's trying so hard to be your brave little man. Listen for him, mom....he always felt understood by you.
Love and miss you forever.
N
Today was Nate's first day of football practice. It's his 3rd year playing and he has convinced himself that this year he is going to be one of the best players on the team since he has finally grown a bit and is playing with kids his own size (he's always been one of if not THE smallest on his team....but I can proudly say he held his own when put up against kids twice his size!) Nate loves football. He may not always love going to practice, but the kid really loves game day and scrimages. He LOVES watching the Baltimore Ravens on tv and will even shout at the tv and get excited jumping up and down or slamming his hands to his head when watching a game. And if you ask him why he loves football so much he'll give you one answer...."it reminds me of my grandma and how she loved watching me play."
So today was an important day for my little buddy. And I knew that he was looking forward to strapping on his helmet and pads and seeing his teammates on the field. What I didn't know was what he was missing...or rather, WHO he was missing today.
This morning, while he was eating his breakfast and explaining to me what drills he was hoping they would do tonight, Nate shared something with me that pierced my heart. "You know ma, football used to be grandma's favorite sport. She used to like watching it with me. She didn't always understand it so I'd have to explain what happened sometimes, but I liked doing that." I sat down with him and just gave him the usual, "yeah, bud, I know....she sure did love doing everything and anything with you kids!" "Do you think grandma still wants to watch me now that she is in heaven? I wish I could see her face on the side of the field watching me one more time, or have her waiting for me to come home and tell her how awesome practice was". The next 2 sentences out of his mouth reviled my baby boy's heart to me; "It was more than just her cheering for me. It's hard to explain, ma." My mind nor mouth could form no words to speak to him. In that moment all I could do was hug him, rock him, and fight my tears. In my head all I could think was how unfair that my sweet little boy is experiencing such a deep sadness and how excruciating it is that I can't protecting him from it!! When I could finally speak I could only think to say something to lighten the moment. "i think its safe to bet that grandma is most definitely going to be watching you play football and that she has probably got ALL of heaven watching and cheering for her best little man! Even the Steeler fans up there are cheering for the J-ville Ravens this year because of your grandma!" I could breath again when Nate looked at me and giggled. I did my best to talk to him and reassure him that grandma is and always will be proudly watching over him even though we can't see her. And that just because she isnt here with us doesn't mean her love isn't. Words came out that I wasn't even aware of to comfort my Nater-Tot....and I can't help but wonder if that was my mama talking through me.
My son had such a strong connection with my mom. I know I've said it before, but truly they had an incredible bond. And in my own selfish grief I didn't consider how Nate has been feeling in all of his "big moments" since mom's death. This was an eye-opener for me. It isn't only myself that still feels the sting. A little J-ville Ravens player is battling his own emotions with the loss of this incredible force in his life. And its more than just her cheering that is gone for him.....its hard to explain and yet I completely understand it now.
**He's got a big heart, mom, you know that. But that big heart is holding lots of pain. He's trying so hard to be your brave little man. Listen for him, mom....he always felt understood by you.
Love and miss you forever.
N
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Maddison Olivia McLain....her initials spell your name
Dear Mom,
She's here, Maddie is finally here :) And she is perfect! (but you already knew that!) Todd is sooooo proud...he couldn't keep his eyes off of her :) And Nic- talk about a woman on a mission! She was incredible! So calm and relaxed. I was definitely more frantic and chaotic from excitement! :)
It was bittersweet sitting in the waiting room, mom. I just kept picturing the last time we were there....you and I sat giggling with excitement for Brody to come....and then snapping pics of each other with our silly name tags informing people we were the "favorite aunt" and "proud grandma" after he was born! I made my name tag today just like that one, but no one giggled with me or understood the inside joke. I wanted so badly to hear you laugh until you cried.
But I know you were there. Not even death would keep you from the birth of your grandchild! Nate said you were lucky because you got to see Maddie first since babies come from heaven....I totally agree with him :) At one point, Brooke asked me if you picked who's hair color Maddie would have! (by the way, she thinks you should've given Maddie pink hair since it is a "princess color"!) And of course, I filled in with the random tears of joy that you always shed! I swear I felt like you as I was tearing up walking down the hallway to see Nicole before the baby was even born...and I felt horrible for ever teasing you about it.
Ugh, so many emotions today, mom. You were steady on my brain and heart. Things this joyous and significant are supposed to be shared with loved ones. And as much as I firmly believe you were there, it was rough not physically sharing it with you. I'm sure Todd felt the same way. But I did my best to represent you, mama! I gave the hugs, the tears of happiness, the encouraging words, and the snacks and gifts for the kids just like you would've done! I tried to find a pink musical bear for Maddie like the one you gave Brooke but could only find a musical giraffe...still, it was in tradition and you would've approved its cuteness factor!
Did you hear me talking to Maddie? I promised to help her know all about you and what an awesome grandma you were. And everything else I said I know is true....and I know you'll make sure of it.
I can't say it enough....I miss you, mama, and I love you so incredibly much. Thank you for being MY mom and my foundation. And thank you for loving me with "mother love".
I know I don't have to say it, but be with Todd and Nicole and help them in these first few months. They are great parents, but even the greatest parents need some extra tlc in the beginning ;) Give them a sign and let them know you're there. And keep an eye on Miss Maddie O....I have a feeling she's going to give Todd and Nic a run for their money as all little girls do ;)
I'm out of words for tonight mom, so I'm going to hit the sack. I hope to see you in my dreams and we can talk face to face about your newest little grandbaby....and I can hear you giggle until you cry with me.
Forever XOXO,
Your baby girl
She's here, Maddie is finally here :) And she is perfect! (but you already knew that!) Todd is sooooo proud...he couldn't keep his eyes off of her :) And Nic- talk about a woman on a mission! She was incredible! So calm and relaxed. I was definitely more frantic and chaotic from excitement! :)
It was bittersweet sitting in the waiting room, mom. I just kept picturing the last time we were there....you and I sat giggling with excitement for Brody to come....and then snapping pics of each other with our silly name tags informing people we were the "favorite aunt" and "proud grandma" after he was born! I made my name tag today just like that one, but no one giggled with me or understood the inside joke. I wanted so badly to hear you laugh until you cried.
But I know you were there. Not even death would keep you from the birth of your grandchild! Nate said you were lucky because you got to see Maddie first since babies come from heaven....I totally agree with him :) At one point, Brooke asked me if you picked who's hair color Maddie would have! (by the way, she thinks you should've given Maddie pink hair since it is a "princess color"!) And of course, I filled in with the random tears of joy that you always shed! I swear I felt like you as I was tearing up walking down the hallway to see Nicole before the baby was even born...and I felt horrible for ever teasing you about it.
Ugh, so many emotions today, mom. You were steady on my brain and heart. Things this joyous and significant are supposed to be shared with loved ones. And as much as I firmly believe you were there, it was rough not physically sharing it with you. I'm sure Todd felt the same way. But I did my best to represent you, mama! I gave the hugs, the tears of happiness, the encouraging words, and the snacks and gifts for the kids just like you would've done! I tried to find a pink musical bear for Maddie like the one you gave Brooke but could only find a musical giraffe...still, it was in tradition and you would've approved its cuteness factor!
Did you hear me talking to Maddie? I promised to help her know all about you and what an awesome grandma you were. And everything else I said I know is true....and I know you'll make sure of it.
I can't say it enough....I miss you, mama, and I love you so incredibly much. Thank you for being MY mom and my foundation. And thank you for loving me with "mother love".
I know I don't have to say it, but be with Todd and Nicole and help them in these first few months. They are great parents, but even the greatest parents need some extra tlc in the beginning ;) Give them a sign and let them know you're there. And keep an eye on Miss Maddie O....I have a feeling she's going to give Todd and Nic a run for their money as all little girls do ;)
I'm out of words for tonight mom, so I'm going to hit the sack. I hope to see you in my dreams and we can talk face to face about your newest little grandbaby....and I can hear you giggle until you cry with me.
Forever XOXO,
Your baby girl
Saturday, July 16, 2011
"This one's marked FRAGILE"....
A box is just a simple item. It's uses are simple: contain, shield and protect, storage. It has 6 sides and comes in a variety of sizes. Pretty boring. Unless that "boring 6 sided container" holds items that once belonged to a loved one who is no longer here. That totally changes the value of a box.
I learned that today. I guess I've known it since the day my mom died, but today really reinforced that knowledge.
My mother-in-law came over today to help me start sorting through boxes of my mom's things. It's a job that I have been avoiding and putting off doing for months (and honestly wouldn't mind putting off doing for years). But its a job that needs to be done in order to give my kids their basement back to play in and my husband back his area to watch his "man tv". I was hoping that I could attack it with a numb mind and zip through it like ripping a band aide off quickly.....make the sting hurt less. (Deep down I knew that was not realistic but I hoped nontheless.) But just in walking down my stairs and looking at my mom's clothes, Christmas decorations and nicknacks stacked all around reminded me that this was much more than just a band aide kind of situation. That burning pit in my stomach and heart reminds me why I haven't attempted this move yet...
My mother-in-law knew that I would have to take this job in small bits. She knows this is not something I can handle taking care of all in one day. She knows I am fragile when it comes to this....so we limited ourselves to just going through mom's clothes. I thought that would be the "safest start" for me since majority of mom's clothes were packed into an old chest and hadn't been worn in years. I figured "eh, they'll be pretty easy to whiz through and give away. Doubt i'll even recognize half of them..." .
I kid you not when I say my body started to shake when I opened the chest. It's as if my subconscious was trying to say, "prepare yourself! This is NOT easy like you think its going to be!".
I didn't want my M-I-L or the kids to notice me like that so I moved around a lot figiting with boxes pretending that I needed to clear a path in the room to be able to move around. I needed to cause a distraction for both them and myself! My M-I-L started pushing boxes and rearranging them with me..."This one's marked FRAGILE so be careful where it goes"
Those words at that very moment perfectly described ME.
"Deep breath. You can do this Nik....you HAVE to do this. Dammit! Why am I here doing this!! Why the f **** is she gone!! We were supposed to beat that God dammed cancer!! This is NOT how her life or my life was supposed to go!!!!!!!! Deep breath Niki, deep breath and no tears......crap, I totally remember all of these clothes....."
I made it through the chest. Not fast, not slow, but I made it through with only a small break. I could remember shopping with mom for these clothes. That blue shirt- she wore it to go see Thomas the Train with Nate.....those pants she wore to Brookelyn's christening...that grey shirt was the one she helped me paint the deck at our old house in. I could see her in them. I could picture her perfectly and it brought on a fear that by giving away those clothes I would be giving away that perfect picture they awake in my memory. That is a fear that cuts deep.
It wasn't until I moved on to her clothes that were hanging, the ones she wore regularly for her last 2 years, that I really felt myself slipping off the ledge. Every shirt, ever running jacket that she loved, every pair of pants that she lived in, they all ripped my fingers from the grip I desperately clinged to from falling into my own bottomless pit of heartbreak. The final punch was her scarf.....it smelled just like her. The morning that would end up being her last here at home, I told her to be sure and keep her scarf around her neck when Todd came to pick her up because it was so cold out. She hated the cold.....she loved her scarf......I loved her. She left it, her small aqua colored scarf. It's a treasure to me now. Who would have ever thought a simple Target purchase would one day hold a priceless value? That scarf is staying with me along with some other important pieces of her wardrobe.
Ben moved the boxes of mom's "GoodWill" clothes up to the back door. I haven't let him take them to the car yet....babysteps. It's not easy letting go of any of my mom's things because it feels like I'm letting go of what I have left of her. I know, I know.....she is in my heart and I never will really "let her go". But for the love of God I can't help feeling like she's being taken from me all over again. And it HURTS!. I don't know where to turn to get comfort from it...I only find distractions that help me avoid.
I imagine I will keep the boxes at the back door for a few days to help "prepare me" until they make it to the GoodWill. It's kind of like my Brookie learning to swim....she used her life vest to get used to the water, then she got brave and took it off, few days later and with some coaching she is swimming under water on her own. I figure I am in the "no life vest" phase right now. I am not brave enough to let go of the ladder and swimm under water yet. My mind is scared of the wave that is waiting to take me down and my heart is terrified of the pain and hurt that still lies ahead. Too bad life doesn't care if "This one is marked FRAGILE".
Mom, I love you. My heart hurts from missing you so much. You are the only one that would truly understand what I am feeling....but you're not hear to talk it over with.... <3
I learned that today. I guess I've known it since the day my mom died, but today really reinforced that knowledge.
My mother-in-law came over today to help me start sorting through boxes of my mom's things. It's a job that I have been avoiding and putting off doing for months (and honestly wouldn't mind putting off doing for years). But its a job that needs to be done in order to give my kids their basement back to play in and my husband back his area to watch his "man tv". I was hoping that I could attack it with a numb mind and zip through it like ripping a band aide off quickly.....make the sting hurt less. (Deep down I knew that was not realistic but I hoped nontheless.) But just in walking down my stairs and looking at my mom's clothes, Christmas decorations and nicknacks stacked all around reminded me that this was much more than just a band aide kind of situation. That burning pit in my stomach and heart reminds me why I haven't attempted this move yet...
My mother-in-law knew that I would have to take this job in small bits. She knows this is not something I can handle taking care of all in one day. She knows I am fragile when it comes to this....so we limited ourselves to just going through mom's clothes. I thought that would be the "safest start" for me since majority of mom's clothes were packed into an old chest and hadn't been worn in years. I figured "eh, they'll be pretty easy to whiz through and give away. Doubt i'll even recognize half of them..." .
I kid you not when I say my body started to shake when I opened the chest. It's as if my subconscious was trying to say, "prepare yourself! This is NOT easy like you think its going to be!".
I didn't want my M-I-L or the kids to notice me like that so I moved around a lot figiting with boxes pretending that I needed to clear a path in the room to be able to move around. I needed to cause a distraction for both them and myself! My M-I-L started pushing boxes and rearranging them with me..."This one's marked FRAGILE so be careful where it goes"
Those words at that very moment perfectly described ME.
"Deep breath. You can do this Nik....you HAVE to do this. Dammit! Why am I here doing this!! Why the f **** is she gone!! We were supposed to beat that God dammed cancer!! This is NOT how her life or my life was supposed to go!!!!!!!! Deep breath Niki, deep breath and no tears......crap, I totally remember all of these clothes....."
I made it through the chest. Not fast, not slow, but I made it through with only a small break. I could remember shopping with mom for these clothes. That blue shirt- she wore it to go see Thomas the Train with Nate.....those pants she wore to Brookelyn's christening...that grey shirt was the one she helped me paint the deck at our old house in. I could see her in them. I could picture her perfectly and it brought on a fear that by giving away those clothes I would be giving away that perfect picture they awake in my memory. That is a fear that cuts deep.
It wasn't until I moved on to her clothes that were hanging, the ones she wore regularly for her last 2 years, that I really felt myself slipping off the ledge. Every shirt, ever running jacket that she loved, every pair of pants that she lived in, they all ripped my fingers from the grip I desperately clinged to from falling into my own bottomless pit of heartbreak. The final punch was her scarf.....it smelled just like her. The morning that would end up being her last here at home, I told her to be sure and keep her scarf around her neck when Todd came to pick her up because it was so cold out. She hated the cold.....she loved her scarf......I loved her. She left it, her small aqua colored scarf. It's a treasure to me now. Who would have ever thought a simple Target purchase would one day hold a priceless value? That scarf is staying with me along with some other important pieces of her wardrobe.
Ben moved the boxes of mom's "GoodWill" clothes up to the back door. I haven't let him take them to the car yet....babysteps. It's not easy letting go of any of my mom's things because it feels like I'm letting go of what I have left of her. I know, I know.....she is in my heart and I never will really "let her go". But for the love of God I can't help feeling like she's being taken from me all over again. And it HURTS!. I don't know where to turn to get comfort from it...I only find distractions that help me avoid.
I imagine I will keep the boxes at the back door for a few days to help "prepare me" until they make it to the GoodWill. It's kind of like my Brookie learning to swim....she used her life vest to get used to the water, then she got brave and took it off, few days later and with some coaching she is swimming under water on her own. I figure I am in the "no life vest" phase right now. I am not brave enough to let go of the ladder and swimm under water yet. My mind is scared of the wave that is waiting to take me down and my heart is terrified of the pain and hurt that still lies ahead. Too bad life doesn't care if "This one is marked FRAGILE".
Mom, I love you. My heart hurts from missing you so much. You are the only one that would truly understand what I am feeling....but you're not hear to talk it over with.... <3
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Full of empty
Growing up, I had the first room down the hall on the right. Mom had a "for looks only" living room with her pretty white loveseat and dinning room with her sea-foam green carpet and Ethan Allen dinning room table. Every Christmas mom would set out her Nativity scene on top of her antique china cabinet....that's also where she helped Ben hide my engagement ring a few days before he proposed. Mom's bedroom was across the hall from mine next to the bathroom. Her canopy bed always reminded me of a princess' bed.....no frilly top to it or anything like that, but it was so tall and made of gorgeous cherry wood. The basement was the party room....years of Christmases, New Years and birthday parties. I remember having a gypsy bday party as a kid there, and my surprise sweet 16 bday party with the Juke box mom rented. My bridal shower and bachelorete parties all took place there. The kitchen at Deer Pass was small but mom always kept it tidy (as best she could with teens and a daycare!) She was sitting at that kitchen table when Ben and I gave her a baby rattle wrapped up to give her the news that she was going to be a first-time grandmom. Deer Pass held a lot of amazing moments in my life.
I remember packing it all up. Ben and I would go over every single day and help mom pack....I hated it. I was the one who researched moving companies and storage units. The day came and the movers loaded the truck. Everything that was to be moved had a pink ribbon tied to it and was put into the Stack n Store unit #3427.
Fast forward 7 years....Deer Pass is gone, mom is gone, and as of tonight unit #3427 is gone. We have emptied out all of the furniture, all of the boxes, all of the packed away memories in that storage unit. Todd has mom's dinning room table that she adored and was so proud of. The china cabinet now holds Ben's and my wedding china and her bed looks amazing in our room. My basement has all of the boxes stacked to the ceiling.....they're on her side of the basement in moms room that I haven't been able to bring myself to touch yet. The boxes of mom's Christmas ornaments are right next to her clothes that are still hanging up.
I can't even begin to describe the mixture of emotions that have been swarming inside my head and heart this past week. The only way I can think to describe it is to say I feel full of empty. Like the storage unit is right now, empty......I feel like thats me. And yet I also am glad to have mom's treasures in my house and with Todd. All of her things are "home" now, they are here but she's not. It leaves me full of empty.
Putting mom's China cabinet in my dinning room and filling it with the dishes, saucers and tea cups she helped me pick out brought me completely to my knees. I could almost hear her telling me "its an antique, so be careful with it". I have sat every day since we brought it home last Wednesday and just stared at it. I wish so badly that she were here to see it in our home. She told me a million times that I "should go get it and use it" but I never felt like digging through the stupid storage unit. I regret that.
The boxes downstairs are going to knock my legs out from under me....I'm terrified to go through them. I know i need to and I know I need to get the basement back into use for the sake of my husband and kids, but I don't want to open up a box that is ultimately going to hurt me and reopen a wound that I don't know how to heal. How do you go through items that belong to someone so important to you and decide what to keep and what to toss?! Every tiny, little, insignificant "thing" that holds any connection to mom is not something that I can easily part with these days....its like letting her go all over again and I don't know that I can handle that.....I really don't!
Everyone says "memories are kept in your head and heart, not in some box or container" and that "material things are just that, "things". But memories are a feeling". And everyone that says that either has never experienced a heartbreaking, life changing loss or they are worlds stronger than I can even imagine being. My memories are all I have left and I never want them to fade....its almost safer to keep them stored in a box. But then where does that leave me? It leaves me again feeling full of empty......
Oh Mama, I could really use your calming voice right now. There are sooooo many thoughts jamming up my brain. All of them screaming. What I wouldn't give to have you hold my hand and tell me "this too shall pass". Even if I didn't always believe you, the way you said it brought me a kind of peace that I haven't been able to find since you left. My heart hurts, mom. I feel like I miss you more now than i did even 3months ago. It scares me. I don't like this reality of you not being here to turn to when I need my mommy! I literally pray every night for you to talk to me so I can hear your voice again. Please, mom......talk to me and tell me what I'm supposed to do......
I love you always to the heavens and back a million times!!
Love,
Me
I remember packing it all up. Ben and I would go over every single day and help mom pack....I hated it. I was the one who researched moving companies and storage units. The day came and the movers loaded the truck. Everything that was to be moved had a pink ribbon tied to it and was put into the Stack n Store unit #3427.
Fast forward 7 years....Deer Pass is gone, mom is gone, and as of tonight unit #3427 is gone. We have emptied out all of the furniture, all of the boxes, all of the packed away memories in that storage unit. Todd has mom's dinning room table that she adored and was so proud of. The china cabinet now holds Ben's and my wedding china and her bed looks amazing in our room. My basement has all of the boxes stacked to the ceiling.....they're on her side of the basement in moms room that I haven't been able to bring myself to touch yet. The boxes of mom's Christmas ornaments are right next to her clothes that are still hanging up.
I can't even begin to describe the mixture of emotions that have been swarming inside my head and heart this past week. The only way I can think to describe it is to say I feel full of empty. Like the storage unit is right now, empty......I feel like thats me. And yet I also am glad to have mom's treasures in my house and with Todd. All of her things are "home" now, they are here but she's not. It leaves me full of empty.
Putting mom's China cabinet in my dinning room and filling it with the dishes, saucers and tea cups she helped me pick out brought me completely to my knees. I could almost hear her telling me "its an antique, so be careful with it". I have sat every day since we brought it home last Wednesday and just stared at it. I wish so badly that she were here to see it in our home. She told me a million times that I "should go get it and use it" but I never felt like digging through the stupid storage unit. I regret that.
The boxes downstairs are going to knock my legs out from under me....I'm terrified to go through them. I know i need to and I know I need to get the basement back into use for the sake of my husband and kids, but I don't want to open up a box that is ultimately going to hurt me and reopen a wound that I don't know how to heal. How do you go through items that belong to someone so important to you and decide what to keep and what to toss?! Every tiny, little, insignificant "thing" that holds any connection to mom is not something that I can easily part with these days....its like letting her go all over again and I don't know that I can handle that.....I really don't!
Everyone says "memories are kept in your head and heart, not in some box or container" and that "material things are just that, "things". But memories are a feeling". And everyone that says that either has never experienced a heartbreaking, life changing loss or they are worlds stronger than I can even imagine being. My memories are all I have left and I never want them to fade....its almost safer to keep them stored in a box. But then where does that leave me? It leaves me again feeling full of empty......
Oh Mama, I could really use your calming voice right now. There are sooooo many thoughts jamming up my brain. All of them screaming. What I wouldn't give to have you hold my hand and tell me "this too shall pass". Even if I didn't always believe you, the way you said it brought me a kind of peace that I haven't been able to find since you left. My heart hurts, mom. I feel like I miss you more now than i did even 3months ago. It scares me. I don't like this reality of you not being here to turn to when I need my mommy! I literally pray every night for you to talk to me so I can hear your voice again. Please, mom......talk to me and tell me what I'm supposed to do......
I love you always to the heavens and back a million times!!
Love,
Me
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Dear Mom....
Dear Mom,
I wish I could say all of this in person to you today. I want to say "Happy Mothers Day" to you and give you a sappy card and some cheesy predictable mothers day gift that we both end up making jokes about. But I am in the process of learning that what I want and wish for daily isn't something possible anymore. So this is what I'm left with....a blogged letter to you.
I hope that you and Gram had the absolute most perfect mother's day in heaven today. I imagine that is the only way things are done up there...perfectly....which is exactly what you deserve. I can totally see the two of you sitting there talking over your tea, or ice cream, and one of you starts into a giggle that leads both of you laughing to the point of tears. I have this picture in my head of you holding Gram's hand sitting on a sofa just like the one in her living room. And Papa waiting on "his girls" hand and foot (which we both know he deep down loved to do). So, am I close?
No need for me to tell you about how my day went, you saw. The surprise brunch was nice. The kids LOVED the chocolate fountain! And once again, Ben and I attempted a family picture which resulted in half our faces being cut off ;) one day we'll get it right!
But I made it through the day. Not without some tears and some deep breaths, but I got out of bed and enjoyed parts of the day (which isn't something I thought I was going to end up doing when lying awake all last night thinking). I'm proud of myself for doing that, mom. Sounds ridiculous to say that, doesn't it? Being proud of yourself for getting out of bed and enjoying the day....if I was someone who never experienced the loss of a mother and best friend I would say it sound pathetic. But I am experiencing that loss. So I do feel a sense of accomplishment in finding enjoyment in any part of my day. Of course, Ben, Nate and Brooke are good reasons to find enjoyment :) its just that Mothers day feels so different to me now. It feels like "half", if that even makes any sense. It just hurts knowing that my first ever reason for celebrating a mother's day isn't here anymore to celebrate with. I don't know if that'll ever get better for me.
I have to ask you....the hawk over the playground today- that was you, right? I told Ben to look up and we both just knew. And it was you yesterday checking in on me during the yard sale wasn't it...you always pick the perfect time to let me know you're still around. Its something I look for every single day, mom...so keep it coming!
I love you mom. Above all other crazy, sad, painful, confusing feelings I have, THAT is the strongest feeling that comes though....I hope you always knew and will forever know that.
Happy Mother's Day my sweet angel mother. Take care of your beautiful grandbaby for me and tell him/her only the happiest of stories about me until I get there someday to be with you guys again. Give Gram a big hug for me and tell her I said thank you for raising you to be the best mom that I could have ever been blessed with.
XOXO to the moon and back a million times!
Love,
Nickerooney
I wish I could say all of this in person to you today. I want to say "Happy Mothers Day" to you and give you a sappy card and some cheesy predictable mothers day gift that we both end up making jokes about. But I am in the process of learning that what I want and wish for daily isn't something possible anymore. So this is what I'm left with....a blogged letter to you.
I hope that you and Gram had the absolute most perfect mother's day in heaven today. I imagine that is the only way things are done up there...perfectly....which is exactly what you deserve. I can totally see the two of you sitting there talking over your tea, or ice cream, and one of you starts into a giggle that leads both of you laughing to the point of tears. I have this picture in my head of you holding Gram's hand sitting on a sofa just like the one in her living room. And Papa waiting on "his girls" hand and foot (which we both know he deep down loved to do). So, am I close?
No need for me to tell you about how my day went, you saw. The surprise brunch was nice. The kids LOVED the chocolate fountain! And once again, Ben and I attempted a family picture which resulted in half our faces being cut off ;) one day we'll get it right!
But I made it through the day. Not without some tears and some deep breaths, but I got out of bed and enjoyed parts of the day (which isn't something I thought I was going to end up doing when lying awake all last night thinking). I'm proud of myself for doing that, mom. Sounds ridiculous to say that, doesn't it? Being proud of yourself for getting out of bed and enjoying the day....if I was someone who never experienced the loss of a mother and best friend I would say it sound pathetic. But I am experiencing that loss. So I do feel a sense of accomplishment in finding enjoyment in any part of my day. Of course, Ben, Nate and Brooke are good reasons to find enjoyment :) its just that Mothers day feels so different to me now. It feels like "half", if that even makes any sense. It just hurts knowing that my first ever reason for celebrating a mother's day isn't here anymore to celebrate with. I don't know if that'll ever get better for me.
I have to ask you....the hawk over the playground today- that was you, right? I told Ben to look up and we both just knew. And it was you yesterday checking in on me during the yard sale wasn't it...you always pick the perfect time to let me know you're still around. Its something I look for every single day, mom...so keep it coming!
I love you mom. Above all other crazy, sad, painful, confusing feelings I have, THAT is the strongest feeling that comes though....I hope you always knew and will forever know that.
Happy Mother's Day my sweet angel mother. Take care of your beautiful grandbaby for me and tell him/her only the happiest of stories about me until I get there someday to be with you guys again. Give Gram a big hug for me and tell her I said thank you for raising you to be the best mom that I could have ever been blessed with.
XOXO to the moon and back a million times!
Love,
Nickerooney
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Thanks alot Hallmark
I ran in to Walgreens this morning. Doesn't sound like it should have been any kind of traumatic or emotional experience, right? I went in for masking tape....not exactly the kind of purchase that would lead you to tears! But I walked past the aisle of Mother's Day cards. Some cute little funny ones caught my eye and I stopped to look at them thinking "oh I should get one for Kristy! And send one to Gina...and I need one for my mother-in-law". I really wish I would have walked right past that stupid aisle. I picked up a few and read them and immediately teared up and started crying....RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF WALGREENS for Christ's sake! I caught myself and pulled it somewhat together just in time before my father-in-law snuck up behind me. He stopped in to get his mom a card. I don't think he noticed my tears because I stayed buried in the cards and made little eye contact when talking. Had he noticed, I know he would have hugged me and that would've totally led me to fall apart and I did NOT want that to happen in aisle 4 of a drug store. Hallmark set my day up on a bad note. Hallmark is now ion my sh*t list! Its a beautiful day outside and I am a f-ing wreck because I read a stupid bedazzled piece of paper thanking someone for loving them unconditionally and sharing in every major moment of their life. I was crying because the god dammed card companies refined me that the person who helped form me and my beliefs, the person that shared in all of MY special times, the person who loved me before I was even born was gone! Mother's Day is not the same for me now....it just isn't. And I feel like I have been just cycling around in this "it's all painfully different" kind of way now. Especially in the months of April and now May.
April 23, 2011....the first time I wasn't able to sing "Happy Birthday" to my mom and watch her smirk at me and tell me my si singing "doesn't improve with age but the delivery makes up for it". I was holding my breath for this day because I didn't know how it was going to effect me. I knew that I would need to be around family to keep me together, and thankfully I was. The first half of the day I just laid in bed and melted into my pillow with random bursts of tears...."she's gone, really gone. Not here to let us fuss over for the day. No birthday cake for her to cut. No presents for her to open and tell us we shouldn't have but glad we did. I don't get to hug my mother today and tell her I love her to the moon and back 10million times...its not fair!" All I wanted to do was hide in bed and let this day pass- mom's birthday. Her birthday is shadowed by her death day. And the pain is still all too fresh.
Todd and my nephews all came over so that we could be together to "celebrate" moms birthday....sounds like a funny way to describe it considering the dark cloud of grief that invades all happy moments for us. Ben picked up mom's favorite meal for us to have just as we would have had she been here to enjoy it. She LOVED the chicken masala from Bontempo Brothers. Todd and Ben got out and played some lax with the kids. I stayed on the deck trying to get pics and for a second I felt like mom....that's where she would've been, on the deck, watching, smiling, taking pictures. I don't want to be the "matriarch" of the family, that's HER title and I'm not ready to take it on and yet I know she would be disappointed if I didn't step up. Mom believed that all families need at least 1 person to take the reigns and make sure everyone still gets together, plans family dinners, keep lines of communication flowing and just keep the family interlaced with each other. She tried to do that as much as possible, and now I guess its my turn.
We sent balloons up with messages to mom - 8 pink and purple balloons with little blue cards tied to them. It was windy and I was afraid the balloons were going to get stuck in one of the hundreds of trees that surround our house, but the minute we all started the count down the wind stopped. Not a trace of wind blew until after the balloons where well over the trees....tell me that wasn't a total work of my mom!
The best part was my youngest nephew, Brody, saying "i don't see her. How's grandma getting the balloons if I can't see her", to which my brother responded, "close your eyes, Bubba, you can see her there." And that's exactly what Bubba did.....and he had the best smile ever on his face!
The next day was Easter. Mom usually spent Easter with Todd. But she was always there that evening to tell me about all of the delicious food she stuffed herself with and how the baskets were everywhere and how the flowers in Todd and Nicole's front garden were absolutely gorgeous. I came home from Easter with my in-laws craving the predictability of that conversation with my beautiful sweet mama.
I miss you mom. I miss you and everything that we shared. You were my first best friend and my truest bff. I hope you got our balloons and read our messages. I meant every word. Sunday is going to be hard on me...I wish you were her to tell me what I should do to get through it. I am happy that you get to share a mothers day again with Gram, but am so selfish in wishing I had you here for myself to celebrate with. I love you mama. And no Hallmark card could describe the gratitude and love I have towards you and for you....Hallmark ain't got nothing on us, kid ;)
April 23, 2011....the first time I wasn't able to sing "Happy Birthday" to my mom and watch her smirk at me and tell me my si singing "doesn't improve with age but the delivery makes up for it". I was holding my breath for this day because I didn't know how it was going to effect me. I knew that I would need to be around family to keep me together, and thankfully I was. The first half of the day I just laid in bed and melted into my pillow with random bursts of tears...."she's gone, really gone. Not here to let us fuss over for the day. No birthday cake for her to cut. No presents for her to open and tell us we shouldn't have but glad we did. I don't get to hug my mother today and tell her I love her to the moon and back 10million times...its not fair!" All I wanted to do was hide in bed and let this day pass- mom's birthday. Her birthday is shadowed by her death day. And the pain is still all too fresh.
Todd and my nephews all came over so that we could be together to "celebrate" moms birthday....sounds like a funny way to describe it considering the dark cloud of grief that invades all happy moments for us. Ben picked up mom's favorite meal for us to have just as we would have had she been here to enjoy it. She LOVED the chicken masala from Bontempo Brothers. Todd and Ben got out and played some lax with the kids. I stayed on the deck trying to get pics and for a second I felt like mom....that's where she would've been, on the deck, watching, smiling, taking pictures. I don't want to be the "matriarch" of the family, that's HER title and I'm not ready to take it on and yet I know she would be disappointed if I didn't step up. Mom believed that all families need at least 1 person to take the reigns and make sure everyone still gets together, plans family dinners, keep lines of communication flowing and just keep the family interlaced with each other. She tried to do that as much as possible, and now I guess its my turn.
We sent balloons up with messages to mom - 8 pink and purple balloons with little blue cards tied to them. It was windy and I was afraid the balloons were going to get stuck in one of the hundreds of trees that surround our house, but the minute we all started the count down the wind stopped. Not a trace of wind blew until after the balloons where well over the trees....tell me that wasn't a total work of my mom!
The best part was my youngest nephew, Brody, saying "i don't see her. How's grandma getting the balloons if I can't see her", to which my brother responded, "close your eyes, Bubba, you can see her there." And that's exactly what Bubba did.....and he had the best smile ever on his face!
The next day was Easter. Mom usually spent Easter with Todd. But she was always there that evening to tell me about all of the delicious food she stuffed herself with and how the baskets were everywhere and how the flowers in Todd and Nicole's front garden were absolutely gorgeous. I came home from Easter with my in-laws craving the predictability of that conversation with my beautiful sweet mama.
I miss you mom. I miss you and everything that we shared. You were my first best friend and my truest bff. I hope you got our balloons and read our messages. I meant every word. Sunday is going to be hard on me...I wish you were her to tell me what I should do to get through it. I am happy that you get to share a mothers day again with Gram, but am so selfish in wishing I had you here for myself to celebrate with. I love you mama. And no Hallmark card could describe the gratitude and love I have towards you and for you....Hallmark ain't got nothing on us, kid ;)
Thursday, April 21, 2011
This storage unit holds much more than just her "stuff"
At some point along in this unwanted journey I'm forced to take, I know that I have to sort through my mom's things and decide what to do with it all. She has a storage unit full of boxes and furniture and then of course all of her things that are still in her room in my basement. I have been avoiding this task and even used my husband's work-in-progress on the basement as an excuse as to why I can't get into her room yet. I don't want to face it and dive in....where do I even start?
Well, yesterday I made an attempt. Albeit a lackluster one, it was an attempt none the less. I ventured into mom's storage unit., or as I see it, her time capsule. I made Ben meet me there after work and took both kids with me because deep down I was hoping somehow they would be able to make this job pain free and distract me enough that it wouldn't phase me that I was routing through the last things left of mom. No such luck.
Opening that metal garage-style door to the storage unit was like opening the door to a time machine that sent me back 6years, 10years, 25 years ago. Lifting the tops to boxes and finding miniture clocks mom collected and all of her collectors plates that I made fun of for so may years was like someone sucking the air right out of my lungs- it took my breath away and I don't know that I've gotten it back yet. Her bed is right up front in the unit. A beautiful canopy bed with the four posts that other rails connect to at the top. I remember always thinking it was so tall and just big all around....yesterday it seemed smaller and not as royal as I once pictured it. In fact, all of mom's furniture seemed smaller to me. Her hope chest that used to be long enough for me to stretch completely out on is now just long enough to sit and prop my legs up on. The dinning room chairs that were so fancy and beyond heavy to me back in the day now were just pretty, almost dainty looking chairs sitiing there. The home that mom created for me that I lived in for 20+ years seemed so grand and colossal at the time. And I want it to stay that way for me, but it's not. All of those items that surrounded me seem so much less now that mom's gone. I can't imagine letting any of it go.
For whatever reason, I made the mistake of thinking I was strong enough to head into my basement and get into my mom's room. Her overstuffed recliner is still sitting there just how she left it when Todd had to take her to the er on Dec 3. Her Oil of Olay lotion on the shelves right next to it with the top only half on like she had a habit of leaving it. But what really broke me was seeing her shoe sitting there on the floor....her shoe....a stupid, old, dirty white shoe started the tears flowing. I hadn't even touched a thing yet and here I see a shoe and it just shatters me like baseball hitting a window. It was like I had just learned of my mother's passing in that moment for the first time all over again. God damn that shoe! How am I supposed to get through her things? How am I supposed to go through all of her stuff and make decisions to give some of it away when I can't even look at a stinky old Sketcher slip-on tennis shoe without completely falling apart?
I sat on the couch in mom's room to try and pull it together and I could still smell her perfume on some of her clothes sitting next to me. I didn't touch them or pick them up, but I could smell the soft warmth that was the scent of her perfume faintly coming from them. And that was all I could do.....just sit there. I stopped crying and just sat. Silence. Starring. And all of it starring right back at me. And once again, I felt the air being sucked right out of me and the sickening sense of helplessness overwhelmed me. I am no where near as strong as I hoped I would be. Right now, I'd give anything to have even an ounce of the courage my mom carried ....
*I miss helping you put on your shoes, mom. I love you.
Well, yesterday I made an attempt. Albeit a lackluster one, it was an attempt none the less. I ventured into mom's storage unit., or as I see it, her time capsule. I made Ben meet me there after work and took both kids with me because deep down I was hoping somehow they would be able to make this job pain free and distract me enough that it wouldn't phase me that I was routing through the last things left of mom. No such luck.
Opening that metal garage-style door to the storage unit was like opening the door to a time machine that sent me back 6years, 10years, 25 years ago. Lifting the tops to boxes and finding miniture clocks mom collected and all of her collectors plates that I made fun of for so may years was like someone sucking the air right out of my lungs- it took my breath away and I don't know that I've gotten it back yet. Her bed is right up front in the unit. A beautiful canopy bed with the four posts that other rails connect to at the top. I remember always thinking it was so tall and just big all around....yesterday it seemed smaller and not as royal as I once pictured it. In fact, all of mom's furniture seemed smaller to me. Her hope chest that used to be long enough for me to stretch completely out on is now just long enough to sit and prop my legs up on. The dinning room chairs that were so fancy and beyond heavy to me back in the day now were just pretty, almost dainty looking chairs sitiing there. The home that mom created for me that I lived in for 20+ years seemed so grand and colossal at the time. And I want it to stay that way for me, but it's not. All of those items that surrounded me seem so much less now that mom's gone. I can't imagine letting any of it go.
For whatever reason, I made the mistake of thinking I was strong enough to head into my basement and get into my mom's room. Her overstuffed recliner is still sitting there just how she left it when Todd had to take her to the er on Dec 3. Her Oil of Olay lotion on the shelves right next to it with the top only half on like she had a habit of leaving it. But what really broke me was seeing her shoe sitting there on the floor....her shoe....a stupid, old, dirty white shoe started the tears flowing. I hadn't even touched a thing yet and here I see a shoe and it just shatters me like baseball hitting a window. It was like I had just learned of my mother's passing in that moment for the first time all over again. God damn that shoe! How am I supposed to get through her things? How am I supposed to go through all of her stuff and make decisions to give some of it away when I can't even look at a stinky old Sketcher slip-on tennis shoe without completely falling apart?
I sat on the couch in mom's room to try and pull it together and I could still smell her perfume on some of her clothes sitting next to me. I didn't touch them or pick them up, but I could smell the soft warmth that was the scent of her perfume faintly coming from them. And that was all I could do.....just sit there. I stopped crying and just sat. Silence. Starring. And all of it starring right back at me. And once again, I felt the air being sucked right out of me and the sickening sense of helplessness overwhelmed me. I am no where near as strong as I hoped I would be. Right now, I'd give anything to have even an ounce of the courage my mom carried ....
*I miss helping you put on your shoes, mom. I love you.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Pink Trees and Allergies
Finally a beautiful day- 82 degrees and the sun was shining bright. The signs of spring have been popping up all around: the grass is greener, daffodils are in bloom around all of the mail boxes, the slapping sounds of flip flops on every mom running errands, convertibles have the tops down and the radios up. The one sign here at home that I can alwasy count on is the "pink tree" blooming.
At the top of my driveway is a weeping cherry tree. When we first moved in, almost 6 years ago, my mom and I wondered what kind of tree it was and what it would look like in the spring (we moved-in in the middle of Nov so everything was dull and dying). That first spring we were mesmerized with the beautiful pink flowers that covered that once dull, dead looking tree. And every spring since, we (mom especially) would look forward to the weeks of pink beauty to sit and get lost in.
Today I noticed the tree is starting to bud it's pink beauty...and mom's not here this year to comment on it. "Look, it's almost Easter- the pink tree is starting to pop!". It went from being a sign I looked forward to, a symbol of new life and new beginnings, to a sign that only burns the reminder that change has come that I'm still not ok with and that a new life began in heaven leaving my life as I knew it forever different.
I sat out on my deck for a bit today after getting the kids off to school and ran through every memory I could of my mom and how she LOVED to spend time outside in the warm weather. I remembered her sweeping the deck religiously and telling me it felt almost theraputic to her to clear away the dead leaves or dried mud from footprints. I remembered her sitting in the rocking chair working on her word searches. I remembered mom suggesting a day at the park every morning she woke up and heard the temp was going to be 70 or above. I remembered mom standing under that pink tree starring out into the back yard that was decorated and filled with her friends and family surprising her at her Surprise 61st birthday party. And I remembered mom telling Ben that if he cut down the "pink tree" to lengthen our driveway, like he once considered, that he would end up regretting it...and she was right. That tree has a stronger meaning and importance to me now. It brings on a pain that I can't really put into words- but it's a pain that hurts good. Does that even make sense? So of course as I was sitting out there thinking, my eyes teared up which then lead my nose to run. And that, in turn, lead me to chuckle at yet another memory of my mom. She would tease me every year around this time because I would have to carry around tissues with me because of allergies that progressively got worse through the season. She laughed at the way I sneezed...said I sound like a mouse! And then would mimick me sniffleing. So was it my tears and runny nose today that came on from my memories & sadness? Or was it my allergies kicking in and enhancing the emotions? That is totally something that mom and I would laugh and joke about if she were here....
A very good friend of mine told me the other day that it seems like I am worrying too much about making sure everyone around me is ok and trying to convince them that I am ok. The last thing I want is to get emotional around people and make them uncomfortable. She told me that I need to stop worrying about what everyone else is thinking and let myself feel whatever it is I am feeling in that moment. She's got a good point. It is frustrating to try and push my greif aside and just tell people what I know they want to hear..."I'm good. I know mom's watching over me and that she's in my heart. I keep myself busy.". However, how do you tell someone that your heart feels broken every minute of every day, some more than others. How do you tell people that the distractions you can come up with throughout the day never seem to last long enough? It sounds a little rough to say "today sucks and I'm just in a shitty mood & can't stop crying over the most random things". So to say "I'm ok" just seems easier.
I almost wonder if this on-again-of-again warm weather is happening slowly as a way to ease me into spring. Maybe it's mom's way of saying "Hey Nik, I know this change of season this year is going to be especially rough on you, so I'm going to just spoon feed it to you so you can take your time with it". She would totally do that if she's got the power to. And that would explain why today was 82 and tomorrow is only supposed to be 57. But that's my mom for you- always looking out for her babies....
I love you mom! I'm missing you a lot today. Here's to the years we shared together of pink trees and allergies...
At the top of my driveway is a weeping cherry tree. When we first moved in, almost 6 years ago, my mom and I wondered what kind of tree it was and what it would look like in the spring (we moved-in in the middle of Nov so everything was dull and dying). That first spring we were mesmerized with the beautiful pink flowers that covered that once dull, dead looking tree. And every spring since, we (mom especially) would look forward to the weeks of pink beauty to sit and get lost in.
Today I noticed the tree is starting to bud it's pink beauty...and mom's not here this year to comment on it. "Look, it's almost Easter- the pink tree is starting to pop!". It went from being a sign I looked forward to, a symbol of new life and new beginnings, to a sign that only burns the reminder that change has come that I'm still not ok with and that a new life began in heaven leaving my life as I knew it forever different.
I sat out on my deck for a bit today after getting the kids off to school and ran through every memory I could of my mom and how she LOVED to spend time outside in the warm weather. I remembered her sweeping the deck religiously and telling me it felt almost theraputic to her to clear away the dead leaves or dried mud from footprints. I remembered her sitting in the rocking chair working on her word searches. I remembered mom suggesting a day at the park every morning she woke up and heard the temp was going to be 70 or above. I remembered mom standing under that pink tree starring out into the back yard that was decorated and filled with her friends and family surprising her at her Surprise 61st birthday party. And I remembered mom telling Ben that if he cut down the "pink tree" to lengthen our driveway, like he once considered, that he would end up regretting it...and she was right. That tree has a stronger meaning and importance to me now. It brings on a pain that I can't really put into words- but it's a pain that hurts good. Does that even make sense?A very good friend of mine told me the other day that it seems like I am worrying too much about making sure everyone around me is ok and trying to convince them that I am ok. The last thing I want is to get emotional around people and make them uncomfortable. She told me that I need to stop worrying about what everyone else is thinking and let myself feel whatever it is I am feeling in that moment. She's got a good point. It is frustrating to try and push my greif aside and just tell people what I know they want to hear..."I'm good. I know mom's watching over me and that she's in my heart. I keep myself busy.". However, how do you tell someone that your heart feels broken every minute of every day, some more than others. How do you tell people that the distractions you can come up with throughout the day never seem to last long enough? It sounds a little rough to say "today sucks and I'm just in a shitty mood & can't stop crying over the most random things". So to say "I'm ok" just seems easier.
I almost wonder if this on-again-of-again warm weather is happening slowly as a way to ease me into spring. Maybe it's mom's way of saying "Hey Nik, I know this change of season this year is going to be especially rough on you, so I'm going to just spoon feed it to you so you can take your time with it". She would totally do that if she's got the power to. And that would explain why today was 82 and tomorrow is only supposed to be 57. But that's my mom for you- always looking out for her babies....
I love you mom! I'm missing you a lot today. Here's to the years we shared together of pink trees and allergies...
Friday, April 1, 2011
Simple is something to get used to.
I was driving home from dropping Brooke off at school yesterday and was thinking that I really don't have anything crazy going on in life right now- nothing "exciting". I used to wish for such a time...and now I'm wondering if that desired "quiet time" is a good thing or a bad thing.
For the first time in 4 years, life seems just simple, No worrying about fandom high fevers that result in a trip to the ER, no making sure medicines are taken at the same time every day-some with food, some without. I don't have anymore late nights of changing tubes, bags or bandages. No worrying over Ct scans and PETscan results and whether they are going to show new tumor growth, no more all day stays at chemo. No more trying to figure out how to get my kids plus stay at the hospital to answer questions about mom & to talk try and catch a dr to answer questions that I have. - no longer have those major worries- it's all "simple" now. Simple can be a blessing, especially if you feel that you are juggling so many different issues in life that it seems like you aren't focused 100% on anything. But it can also be scary if you're not used to it. I mean, it IS nice to not have a major worry for once, however I'm not sure I know how to handle a "smooth ride" without creating more fear in myself that any minute now something awful is going to happen...again. It's a whole new way of thinking and living that I am really trying to train myself to be comfortable with. It's a process.
In the past year, I have lost 4 people that have held some form of true value in my life...
1) My Grandmother passed away Feb 26 last year. We knew it was coming, we knew it was a blessing for her to finally have all of her suffering and fears to be gone, but she was my grandma- the only grandma I ever really had any relationship with and can say was involved in my life. And I saw the pain that her passing brought to my mom...pain I never wanted to experience, but knew one day I would.
2) This past January A very close and dear friend of mine lost her husband in his sleep. Rick was an incredibly giving man that never thought twice about helping my family in any way he could. He was a photographer and brought all of his equipment and backdrops to my house during Christmas last year to take family photos of my mom and all of us because she was too weak to go out to him. He did that without ever thinking anything other than we NEEDED to have such valuable shots with my mom. HE knew that one day they would be all we had of her to physically lay our eyes on and remember her beautiful smile and loving eyes. Those photos are twice as precious to me now....I love you Rick for taking them!
3) Feb 2, 2011 I held my mom's hand and witnessed her last breath. I kissed her forehead for the very last time that day. I lost her smile, her voice, her hugs, our giggles, our chats, or fights and our routines. But I still have her memory, her lessons she taught me and her love. I feel the pain that she felt when my grandma died. That sting that comes with every glance of an object that belonged to her, that unwanted sense of quietness that fills the house even when my kids are screaming, and that ache that overwhelms me when I know that I can't change her being gone. It really is so overwhelming at times.
4) Exactly 2weeks to the day of losing my mom, my brother called me to tell me that a good high school friend of ours died early that morning. Chris and I had a friendship that was different and special. I met him when I was in 8th grade and remained close all through high school. We shared many memories together. He was my high school crush before I found my life long love in Ben, and was my jr prom date in his Marine blues. He was a big part of my teen life and was one of my core group of friends that I could always turn to for anything. Chris taught me alot about myself and what I deserved in a relationship- and I don't think he ever knew he did that. It is his death that has brought those few special people that I was closest to in high school back into my life and I hate that he is not here to reminisce with us all. The "group" will forever be different without him.
That is alot of loss to take in and have to accept in under 365 days. A lot of grief that has been piled on to work through and sort out. No rest in between to come to grips with the new reality that is now before the next smack comes along and knocks you down again. It makes you nervous to fully stand back up and even try to steady yourself....I don't want to be knocked down anymore.
There is one comfort that I find sends a sense of calm in to my thoughts...my belief in Heaven. I know that all of those beautiful souls of my family and friends that I love and cared about are experiencing pure bliss and complete happiness in Heaven. They are not missing me or anyone....they feel no pain, sadness or sorrow. I know that God has them safe...no doubt in my mind that God has them. I pray that they can feel all of the love that remains here on earth in my heart for them. I know that they are celebrating and living the "simple" lives that were waiting for them in Heaven. I'm trying to learn to do the same as best as I can here on earth. Simple will sit fine with me....someday.
For the first time in 4 years, life seems just simple, No worrying about fandom high fevers that result in a trip to the ER, no making sure medicines are taken at the same time every day-some with food, some without. I don't have anymore late nights of changing tubes, bags or bandages. No worrying over Ct scans and PETscan results and whether they are going to show new tumor growth, no more all day stays at chemo. No more trying to figure out how to get my kids plus stay at the hospital to answer questions about mom & to talk try and catch a dr to answer questions that I have. - no longer have those major worries- it's all "simple" now. Simple can be a blessing, especially if you feel that you are juggling so many different issues in life that it seems like you aren't focused 100% on anything. But it can also be scary if you're not used to it. I mean, it IS nice to not have a major worry for once, however I'm not sure I know how to handle a "smooth ride" without creating more fear in myself that any minute now something awful is going to happen...again. It's a whole new way of thinking and living that I am really trying to train myself to be comfortable with. It's a process.
In the past year, I have lost 4 people that have held some form of true value in my life...
1) My Grandmother passed away Feb 26 last year. We knew it was coming, we knew it was a blessing for her to finally have all of her suffering and fears to be gone, but she was my grandma- the only grandma I ever really had any relationship with and can say was involved in my life. And I saw the pain that her passing brought to my mom...pain I never wanted to experience, but knew one day I would.
2) This past January A very close and dear friend of mine lost her husband in his sleep. Rick was an incredibly giving man that never thought twice about helping my family in any way he could. He was a photographer and brought all of his equipment and backdrops to my house during Christmas last year to take family photos of my mom and all of us because she was too weak to go out to him. He did that without ever thinking anything other than we NEEDED to have such valuable shots with my mom. HE knew that one day they would be all we had of her to physically lay our eyes on and remember her beautiful smile and loving eyes. Those photos are twice as precious to me now....I love you Rick for taking them!
3) Feb 2, 2011 I held my mom's hand and witnessed her last breath. I kissed her forehead for the very last time that day. I lost her smile, her voice, her hugs, our giggles, our chats, or fights and our routines. But I still have her memory, her lessons she taught me and her love. I feel the pain that she felt when my grandma died. That sting that comes with every glance of an object that belonged to her, that unwanted sense of quietness that fills the house even when my kids are screaming, and that ache that overwhelms me when I know that I can't change her being gone. It really is so overwhelming at times.
4) Exactly 2weeks to the day of losing my mom, my brother called me to tell me that a good high school friend of ours died early that morning. Chris and I had a friendship that was different and special. I met him when I was in 8th grade and remained close all through high school. We shared many memories together. He was my high school crush before I found my life long love in Ben, and was my jr prom date in his Marine blues. He was a big part of my teen life and was one of my core group of friends that I could always turn to for anything. Chris taught me alot about myself and what I deserved in a relationship- and I don't think he ever knew he did that. It is his death that has brought those few special people that I was closest to in high school back into my life and I hate that he is not here to reminisce with us all. The "group" will forever be different without him.
That is alot of loss to take in and have to accept in under 365 days. A lot of grief that has been piled on to work through and sort out. No rest in between to come to grips with the new reality that is now before the next smack comes along and knocks you down again. It makes you nervous to fully stand back up and even try to steady yourself....I don't want to be knocked down anymore.
There is one comfort that I find sends a sense of calm in to my thoughts...my belief in Heaven. I know that all of those beautiful souls of my family and friends that I love and cared about are experiencing pure bliss and complete happiness in Heaven. They are not missing me or anyone....they feel no pain, sadness or sorrow. I know that God has them safe...no doubt in my mind that God has them. I pray that they can feel all of the love that remains here on earth in my heart for them. I know that they are celebrating and living the "simple" lives that were waiting for them in Heaven. I'm trying to learn to do the same as best as I can here on earth. Simple will sit fine with me....someday.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Proud Mama Moment
I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that every mother out there experiences they're fair share of "Proud Mama Moments". I had one today :)
Nate started in Cub Scouts this year. He loves it! And he'll tell you he loves it for many different reasons. My personal favorite reason he gives is because he knows that it is something that his Great Grandfather loved doing and that being in scouts is something that "makes Grandma proud". Today was his Blue and Gold Banquet where the different dens in the pack "graduate" on to the next step in scouting. Nate's den graduated from Tiger status to Wolf status. He thinks that is the coolest thing- to be a Wolf! I loved seeing him and his best little buds up on the stage, dressed in their class A uniforms, receiving their new badges and pins, and shaking the hands of their scout leaders and Cub Master like the adorable little gentlemen that they are! But that wasn't even my proudest moment of the day.
You see, Nate won a little contest in which his artwork was chosen out of all of the scouts in the pack to be the cover of the 2011 Blue and Gold Banquet Program. (We found this out when we first arrived today) It's not the fact that he won that gave me pride, it was the fact that HE was so proud of himself! Seeing his face display both joy and pride is what made my heart feel like it could burst. Walking in to the banquet, some of the adults and the other scouts congratulated him and said "great job, Nate!" and he thanked them with a big ol' smile on his face. And when one of the little boys said, "I wish mine would've been in the program", Nate turned and said "It's OK because we all did really good pictures. You may win next year and make the cover on the next one!" That's my boy! He is always so good to try and lift up a peer that may be having a bummed out moment and point out the positive spin on things. ( I can't even begin to tell you how many times he has done this for me in the past year...I love that about him!)
Nate came to me halfway through the ceremony holding his program with a calm and heavy look in his eye and quietly said, "Hey Mom, Grandma would've really liked to see this. I wish she were here for me to show her that my picture is on the cover." Good Lord that choked me up!! All I could muster up to say was "I know, buddy. Me too."
Nate and my mom had the strongest bond and connection that is possible between a grandmother and her grandchild. And I know that he thinks about her all of the time and misses her more than anything. He'll bring her up somehow in everything that he does and at the most random times. I hate that his little heart feels such a tremendous loss at such a young age, but am so incredibly grateful that he experienced such a wonderful unconditional love that a lot of children never get to share with a grandparent.
My mom passed before she got a chance to see Nate really involved in Cub Scouts. She missed his first Pinewood Derby Race which was something that they talked alot about before he even signed up for cub scouts. And Nate is completely right in that Grandma would be so proud of him and would have loved to see him active in all of this. She used to tell Nate stories of her dad (Nate's Great-Grandfather) being in scouts all the way up to Eagle scout and all of the fun he had camping and building friendships and racing pinewood derby cars. Really, I credit my mom with Nate's involvement in scouts. She's the one who peaked his interest in cub scouts at all. And it breaks my heart (even more that it already feels broken) that she is not here to cheer Nate on and hug him when he's accomplished something great and share in his moment. Yes, I will do all of that, but it's not the same for him....and I hate that he doesn't have that. I hate that mom is not physically here for him having her heart fill with the pride and joy that it always did when it came to her grandkids!
Today, like many others since my mom's death, has been bitter sweet. I had feelings of happiness, pride, love and joy....but for each of those wonderful feelings I also felt that sting of sadness, loss and anger. And the anger is not at my mom for not being here. Not at all. My anger is totally on the cancer that took my beautiful mother and robbed her of time with her family and robbed my innocent son of his best friend. I pray for the day that I can feel the "good feeling" again purely and without the shadow of sadness hanging over....I wonder if that day will ever exist for me?
The love that I have as a mother is the greatest gift that God has ever blessed me with. I don't take being a parent lightly- I want to soak up every sweet (and sometimes not so sweet) moment that comes with raising my children. And if I'm going to be honest, I have to admit that having such a wonderful mother myself who never once failed to show her love for me is what has made me want to be a true "mother" to my babies. I just get scared that I won't be at my best with Nate and Brooke now that my role model is gone....Thank God my kids are forgiving and can always lead me back on to the right track simply with a hug and a smile :)
Dear Mom,
Did you see Nate today? His smile was bright enough that I am sure you must have seen it from Heaven!! You would've been so proud of him today- he's a Wolf now. And the art skills that you always encouraged in him led his picture to be on the cover of their banquet program!!! How cool is that?!
He misses you alot, mom. We all do. He thanked Ben and I for signing him up for scouts last night on the way home from the mall. He said he has fun with it and can't wait to go camping for the first time in May...then he said he really likes it most because he knows it's something that makes you proud. He's always thinking of you and what you would say or feel about something he's doing. He wants to make you proud- and I know you are!
Brookie told me the other day that it was raining because you were in Heaven playing with the sprinkler just like you did here with her and Nate. I am choosing to follow her in that thought. She hugged herself again this morning coming out of church....I now know that when she does that she is hugging you. I know you are with them mom, but if you could, visit them in a dream....give them a hug that they can feel back again. They miss your hugs a LOT.
I'm trying to stay strong, mom, I really am. When the pain gets stronger than I can handle, I run your voice over and over in my head, "This too shall pass". I miss you so much and still look to talk to you and share in my daily news....it hurts when I remember that I can't run down the steps to talk to you or pick up a phone and call and hear your voice. But I'm doing like I know you would want me to do mom...I'm holding on to Benny, I'm looking to Nate and Brooke and clinging to every minute with them and my friends. I'll be ok- I had one hell of a role model for 31years and I will be as brave and strong through my hard days as you were!
I love you so much , Mama! I miss you more than you will ever know! I hope to see you in my dream tonight...send me a message how every you want, just promise to visit.
love you always!
nik
Nate started in Cub Scouts this year. He loves it! And he'll tell you he loves it for many different reasons. My personal favorite reason he gives is because he knows that it is something that his Great Grandfather loved doing and that being in scouts is something that "makes Grandma proud". Today was his Blue and Gold Banquet where the different dens in the pack "graduate" on to the next step in scouting. Nate's den graduated from Tiger status to Wolf status. He thinks that is the coolest thing- to be a Wolf! I loved seeing him and his best little buds up on the stage, dressed in their class A uniforms, receiving their new badges and pins, and shaking the hands of their scout leaders and Cub Master like the adorable little gentlemen that they are! But that wasn't even my proudest moment of the day.
You see, Nate won a little contest in which his artwork was chosen out of all of the scouts in the pack to be the cover of the 2011 Blue and Gold Banquet Program. (We found this out when we first arrived today) It's not the fact that he won that gave me pride, it was the fact that HE was so proud of himself! Seeing his face display both joy and pride is what made my heart feel like it could burst. Walking in to the banquet, some of the adults and the other scouts congratulated him and said "great job, Nate!" and he thanked them with a big ol' smile on his face. And when one of the little boys said, "I wish mine would've been in the program", Nate turned and said "It's OK because we all did really good pictures. You may win next year and make the cover on the next one!" That's my boy! He is always so good to try and lift up a peer that may be having a bummed out moment and point out the positive spin on things. ( I can't even begin to tell you how many times he has done this for me in the past year...I love that about him!)
Nate came to me halfway through the ceremony holding his program with a calm and heavy look in his eye and quietly said, "Hey Mom, Grandma would've really liked to see this. I wish she were here for me to show her that my picture is on the cover." Good Lord that choked me up!! All I could muster up to say was "I know, buddy. Me too."
Nate and my mom had the strongest bond and connection that is possible between a grandmother and her grandchild. And I know that he thinks about her all of the time and misses her more than anything. He'll bring her up somehow in everything that he does and at the most random times. I hate that his little heart feels such a tremendous loss at such a young age, but am so incredibly grateful that he experienced such a wonderful unconditional love that a lot of children never get to share with a grandparent.
My mom passed before she got a chance to see Nate really involved in Cub Scouts. She missed his first Pinewood Derby Race which was something that they talked alot about before he even signed up for cub scouts. And Nate is completely right in that Grandma would be so proud of him and would have loved to see him active in all of this. She used to tell Nate stories of her dad (Nate's Great-Grandfather) being in scouts all the way up to Eagle scout and all of the fun he had camping and building friendships and racing pinewood derby cars. Really, I credit my mom with Nate's involvement in scouts. She's the one who peaked his interest in cub scouts at all. And it breaks my heart (even more that it already feels broken) that she is not here to cheer Nate on and hug him when he's accomplished something great and share in his moment. Yes, I will do all of that, but it's not the same for him....and I hate that he doesn't have that. I hate that mom is not physically here for him having her heart fill with the pride and joy that it always did when it came to her grandkids!
Today, like many others since my mom's death, has been bitter sweet. I had feelings of happiness, pride, love and joy....but for each of those wonderful feelings I also felt that sting of sadness, loss and anger. And the anger is not at my mom for not being here. Not at all. My anger is totally on the cancer that took my beautiful mother and robbed her of time with her family and robbed my innocent son of his best friend. I pray for the day that I can feel the "good feeling" again purely and without the shadow of sadness hanging over....I wonder if that day will ever exist for me?
The love that I have as a mother is the greatest gift that God has ever blessed me with. I don't take being a parent lightly- I want to soak up every sweet (and sometimes not so sweet) moment that comes with raising my children. And if I'm going to be honest, I have to admit that having such a wonderful mother myself who never once failed to show her love for me is what has made me want to be a true "mother" to my babies. I just get scared that I won't be at my best with Nate and Brooke now that my role model is gone....Thank God my kids are forgiving and can always lead me back on to the right track simply with a hug and a smile :)
Dear Mom,
Did you see Nate today? His smile was bright enough that I am sure you must have seen it from Heaven!! You would've been so proud of him today- he's a Wolf now. And the art skills that you always encouraged in him led his picture to be on the cover of their banquet program!!! How cool is that?!
He misses you alot, mom. We all do. He thanked Ben and I for signing him up for scouts last night on the way home from the mall. He said he has fun with it and can't wait to go camping for the first time in May...then he said he really likes it most because he knows it's something that makes you proud. He's always thinking of you and what you would say or feel about something he's doing. He wants to make you proud- and I know you are!
Brookie told me the other day that it was raining because you were in Heaven playing with the sprinkler just like you did here with her and Nate. I am choosing to follow her in that thought. She hugged herself again this morning coming out of church....I now know that when she does that she is hugging you. I know you are with them mom, but if you could, visit them in a dream....give them a hug that they can feel back again. They miss your hugs a LOT.
I'm trying to stay strong, mom, I really am. When the pain gets stronger than I can handle, I run your voice over and over in my head, "This too shall pass". I miss you so much and still look to talk to you and share in my daily news....it hurts when I remember that I can't run down the steps to talk to you or pick up a phone and call and hear your voice. But I'm doing like I know you would want me to do mom...I'm holding on to Benny, I'm looking to Nate and Brooke and clinging to every minute with them and my friends. I'll be ok- I had one hell of a role model for 31years and I will be as brave and strong through my hard days as you were!
I love you so much , Mama! I miss you more than you will ever know! I hope to see you in my dream tonight...send me a message how every you want, just promise to visit.
love you always!
nik
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Now where?
I find myself asking the same question in my head a lot lately...."Well Nik, now where?" It seems like I live at both ends of the "busyness scale" spectrum; I'm either always running trying to get the errands done, meals cooked, homework finished, sports practices, etc, OR I am sitting with not a single thing to do and starring at the four walls that hold this roof up over my head. So the repeated question that runs through my head can be thought as rhetorical or can be answered in a literal sense.
Friday morning was a mix of both.I got Nate off to school and even managed to dry my hair and slap some make-up on before running out the door with Brooke to get her school day started. I had the plan of my day set in my head as well as a piece of paper and wanted to get a jump on it: 1. Close out Mom's bank account, 2. Take mom's death certificate up to Social Security to have on file (because apparently the cremation place never notified the state of her death or something along those lines), and 3. Drop off the kids' old toys to the Good Will. All of that and get back to pick Brookie up by 1pm from school.....no biggie, I've done way more in shorter periods of time.
Kissed my beautiful blue eyed baby, walked out of the school doors, got in my car, started it up and put it in drive. Instead of heading towards Bel Air to the bank like my plan was, my brain must have been set on auto pilot and I started heading to Stella Maris Hospice. (My mom was there for the last month of her life and I went every single day but 1 because of an ice storm. She has been gone for 6weeks. I haven't had to drive to SM for 6 WEEKS!! WHY DID I START BACK THAT WAY THIS MORNING!!) I was just about halfway there when I realized what I was doing. "Ugh, you dumb ass! What are you doing to yourself?!?! Get your sh*t together, you don't have a lot of time to waste like this!" is all I could think as I was turning around.. I felt my heart sink, again, when I realized, again, that I wasn't needed at SM anymore. But I kept my cool and just focused on getting my things done...No putzing around on days that I have a list!!
Pulled up to the bank- no problem. Turned off the car, got out, walked inside- no problem. Walked up to the teller- no problem. Opened my mouth to tell him I was there to shut down my mother's account- PROBLEM. The minute I started to speak I started to choke up without any warning that my mind was going to go there! Honestly, the only thing that kept me from totally losing it was the look on the teller's face- priceless! I mean, really though, what's so unusual about having a customer come in and start crying as they talk to you? What part of that through him off?!? ;)
After that embarrassment (and being shuffled over to the proper teller to show the death certificate to and have the account closed) I went back to my car to check off #1 on my "to do list" for the day. I drove about 20 parking spots down from where I was in the shopping center before I had to pull over because that damned question in my head set me off crying. "Now where, Niki?" I knew where. I had it on my list right in front of me. #2 -Take mom's death certificate up to Social Security ......this wasn't a surprise to me, I KNEW as of last night that this is what I was going to do today. "SO WHY AM I SITTING HERE CRYING IN MY CAR OVER IT?!?!?!?!?!?!?"
I called Ben. God love that man, he is a saint I swear. But he's never been one that is good at "talking you down from the ledge" if you know what I mean. He is the greatest man walking this earth, in my eyes. And he can do alot of things and solve alot of problems with knowledge that just seems to come to him naturally. Me tearing up or crying at all is not natural to him. And I get it. I understand that it's uncomfortable and no one knows what to say or what to do when confronted with such emotions. He just cracks me up because in the midst of "listening to me" I can hear his brain racing thinking "what do I say, what do I say, what SHOULD I say?"....and in that, I end up most of the time with silence on the other end of the phone. I don't blame him. Who the hell wants to listen to someone cry or whine about something that can't be changed? He tried his best and gave me an old "I remember your mom flying to the bank on Friday's to deposit her checks when she did daycare".....his effort was there, and I love him for that.
No SSA visit for this chick on Friday! Last thing I needed to deal with was your typical, oh-so-cheery, "how may I help you today" attitude of the employees there. So #2 on my list has been put of untill sometime next week. Good news is that I did unloada bunch of junk at the Good Will, literally! My trunk was purged of the 3 bags of old toys and what not from that I've been carting around for the past few days. (Is it just me or does anyone else get a sense of relief when you bag up all of the crap in your house and dispose of it? Lucky me has a house that still holds many more chances for me to feel the relief--- crap is taking over my closets!!)
Obviously, my morning to-do list was cut short and so I had an abundance of time to waste before stealing my baby girl back from preschool. "Well Nik, now where?" For a while, I just drove aimlessly around Bel Air listening to the radio and hoping that maybe mom would send me a sign and I'd hear a song that was ours or was special to us. I ended up sitting at the duck pond she loved. It was her go to place with Nate and Brooke. I think I've spent more time there in the past month then I had the past year....really drives home the idea of having a 'happy place". 
There were a couple of kids there with what I would guess were their moms. Bubbles were being popped, ducks were being fed, and swings were squeaking from being used over and over again. I just stayed in my car and watched. There was one goose in the water that was making all kids of noise. He was chasing away any of the other geese or ducks that would get too close to him. I had to laugh because it reminded me of Nate as a toddler telling me of "the mean goose at the duck pond" that he saw with Grandma, and his imitating the honking sound the goose made. (That kid can really make you laugh hard when he wants to- he's always had the best sense of humor.) "Ok, ma, is that your way of sending me a sign? A mean goose??" Yeah, I know I sound nuts waiting for a sign from the great beyond, but listen people, she and I had a pact and I'm holding her little butt to it! My watch said 12:47pm...."Well Nik, at least this time you know where".
So I got my Brookie from school and no sooner then her buckling her seat belt she said to me , "No where do we go, mama?" HA! Really?! Did she seriously just ask that?! No denying that little girl as mine! (And I thank God for that!)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Forgive me... I'm a virgin blogger!
So here it goes....my first ever blog. I'm hoping this all does good for me. I feel like my life has been changed so drastically in the past few years (last 3 months especially) and my mind just feels so damn jumbled. I need to sort through the good and bad both internally and in my outside world....LISTS- that's how my mom dealt with things so I'm going to try something along those lines with this blog! I'm literally going to just start typing and see where it goes....I apologize ahead of time for jumping around alot. Like I said, my mind is jumbled and I'm most likely going to type in such a fashion that shows that jumbledness. And I apologize if I abruptly come to an end in my blog and don't pick up with it in a timely manor. I have a feeling that I'll be confronting emotions in typing this that may require me to get up and walk away from my computer for a while. I hope that I don't end up sounding like some always neagtive, gloomy, eternally sad Debbie Downer in this blog. I promise you, I am usually the happy girl in the room and try to find the good in everything (my mama taught me that!) However, I do have my days, and with what's happened recently, those days occur a little more frequently and I'm just trying to work through them. Having said that, here we go....
Let me preface this by saying my mom was my very first best friend and has remained that my entire life. She and my husband have been the only 2 people in my life that I have ever felt completely comfortable being 100% myself with. Hands down, my life has been better because of having both of them in it.
If you know me, then you know that my life in the past 4years has been mainly circulating around caring for my mother (diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer in Oct '07) and my 2 children (Nate and Brooke). I didn't anticipate myself living this life at the age of 31....I mean, I saw kids and knew I'd have them and wanted more than anything to be a mother. But I always pictured myself having the perfect balance between career and kids. I tried the career- worked in the medical field- and decided to take my "break from it" when I first became pregnant with my "Nater-Tot". I fell in love with that perfect little baby boy and knew that my plans/priorities were forever altered by his mere existence. And I was good with that. Two and a half years and 1 heartbreaking/mind-f-ing miscarriage later, my life was blessed yet again with my beautiful "Boogielyn". I was a mother and a wife and had my family just as I felt I was supposed to. Work could wait as long as my incredible husband, Ben, could handle being the sole money-maker. And he was good with that.
Ben and I have always felt that if you're blessed with kids, and your lifestyle allows for it, those kids should be able to bond and be with at least one of their parents at least until the age of 2. Those first 2 years in a child's life are so amazing and wondrous- both for the child AND the parent. And I say that as a mom, and also as someone who witnessed children in a daycare first hand. My mom ran her own daycare out of our house for 13-14years ...she started it my freshman year at Mercy High School. I don't think day care is bad, or parents that put their newborns/babies/children in daycare are bad....in fact, I feel like if you can find that one diamond of a center and angel of a provider, I think a daycare can benefit your child. I would have gladly left my children to be taken care of by my mother at the age of 6weeks....she was a "mother teacher" to every single child that she watched. She made sure that those fresh young minds learned and absorbed educational material and emotional balance. I've recently touched base with some of her daycare parents and they have praised my mom's gentle hands and heart with the progression of their well-rounded, smart, happy , now teenagers. "You're mother was amazing with with my kids and they STILL to this day talk about her and the fun memories she created with them!"
My mom took her very last breath on this earth the morning of February 2 , 2011 at 9:53am. I watched it. I heard it. I felt it. And I still can't believe it. She is gone. That gentle hand, that loving heart, those forgiving eyes....gone.
My mom moved in with Ben, Nate and myself when Nate was just about 1.5. Her original plan was to take care of her mother for a while and then eventually get a condo in Bel Air. So she sold the house that I was born and raised in. The house that I made some fantastic memories as a kid and teen in!! It was the house where I had many many sleepovers with my girlfriends and stayed up all night talking, where I had my first kiss, where a million times I would jump on a pillow and slide down the steps with my brother until we crashed into the wall at the bottom. It was the house that held my surprise bridal shower, and where I went to "recover" after having my gall bladder out only 2 months after becoming a first time mom. It was my home for 20+ years. But it was ok to see it go because I knew it was becoming a lonely burden (emotionally and financialy) for my mom to bare on her own. Besides, I had married and made a new home for my new family in Bel Air...lives were changing and it was all good.
I've learned that life gets tricky when you get too cocky. Once you think you have it figured out, life decides to send you a message that clearly says "We're gonna shake things up a bit since you seem to comfortable!"
Things didn't work out for my mom the way it should have for her living and 100% caring for my grandmother. That's an entirely different story that really i need not go into...all I have to say about that is that people that jump to conclusions without ever knowing all of the facts tend to leave scars on hearts that only try to love..... my mom was that scarred heart in the end.
Anyway, mom moved in with us while she waited, and waited and waited and waited, for the perfect condo to become available in Bel Air for her to move into. It was fine. She was fun to be with- we shopped, played with Nate, had a built in babysitter....and anyone with kids can testify to how glorious a good babysitter can be!! It was temporary and seemed to be the plan that would benefit everyone. When a condo did finally become available, mom put a bid in on it but was out bid with cash. She had a chance to counter offer but for whatever reason (and everyone will have their assumptions as to why) she didn't feel she wanted to offer any more money. So she stayed with us and eventually moved with us again into our current home in Jarrettsville.
During that time, Ben and I suffered a heartbreaking miscarriage. Our second child was due to be born on February 2 (date sound familiar?) 2006. We were over the moon with excitement telling everyone our joyous news. I still remember the day I wrote on one of Nate's onsies: on the front it read "Just Call Me..." and on the back it said "BIG BROTHER". That was my way of telling Ben that he was going to be a daddy again. I vividly can remember the look on his face when he came home from work, went in to Nate's room to get Nate from his nap (which he would do pretty much do routinely) and after starring at his front for a few minutes, turned Nate around and then got the biggest grin on his face and started to laugh his "happy nervous" little chuckle. Nate just stood completley oblivious as to why we were laughing with his chubby little cheeks and toothy little grin squealing and jumping in his crib. (Ahh, the sweet innocence of that little babe! Now that he's a 7yr old that aparently knows everything, I look back to such days to remember that his horns that pop out every now and then were not present at birth! ;-) ). That moment in my life will forever be one of my most perfect moments that I will never ever forget. Sadly, it wasn't long after that I went for my 12week sonogram only to learn that that sweet, already loved, joyous little gift that I was carrying "stopped it's progression at 11weeks"....my world changed and I was (and sometimes still am)consumed with guilt that I had somehow done something wrong that caused my child not to make it into this world. That is a horrible feeling. No answers as to why it happened. My health was supposedly fine. I did everything my OBGYN told me to do, I was taking my vitamins. The drs couldn't give me any solid reason as to why this happened....so my mind went to the thought that i must have done something wrong morally to deserve such a punishment. I know what everyone told me: "Things all happen for a reason", "It's probably better it happened now, you wouldn't want a baby with birth defects", "You did nothing wrong, it is what it is and there's nothing you can do but focus on the child you already have"..... and I know everyone meant well in saying it, but all of it means crap to the mother that is going through the loss. My mom repeatedly told me something that at the time I thought was so cold. She told me "Niki, all of this too shall pass". It wasn't until years later that she and I talked about what she meant and I understood what she was trying to tell me. The only thing worse than losing a child is to have your child suffer so deeply and so raw right in front of you and you can't do a damned thing about it...."This too shall pass" was her way of trying to teach me that life will always have it's ups and downs. The ups will seem to fly by fast and last for only minutes in comparison to the downs that will seem to drag on for an eternity....mom wanted me to remember that this down will pass and my up will be here before I know it. (Don't know if my explanation is as good as my mom's was....but hopefully you get the point!)
As usual, mother knows best, and my up came almost 2 months after that lowest low. I was pregnant with my daughter! And better yet, my pregnancy was going beautifully! Ben and I purchased our house in Jarrettsville complete with the swing set in the backyard ready to be played on by our perfect little munchkins. We moved in on my father-in-laws birthday November18th (and he was a saint for helping us move on his birthday!!) and my mom and I went straight to work deciding on how to design the kids' bedrooms. She still hadn't found her condo yet so she moved with us and continued to "couch it" in what was going to be the kid's playroom. (Mom "LOVED" our This Ends Up couch because she said it was better for her back than any bed...personally I think it was all just BS she told us because she never wanted us to have to "go out of our way" to put up a bed for her even though we offered to millions of times. That's just my personal opinion.)
Brookelyn was born the end of May in 2006. I couldn't have been more happy to have my mom living with us when I came home from the hospital. Not only was she able to keep Nate and make him feel so special during the time Ben & I were actually in the hospital, but she was my second set of hands in handling a non_sleeping newborn and curious little 2.5yr old. Ben even told me on occasion that he was glad to have her here to keep an eye on things while we attempted a nap every once in a while. Life was good...literally.
When Brooke was around 6 moths old, and after an incredibly scary 10day stay in the hospital for sepsis with a fever of 106, she was diagnosed with VasicoUreteralReflux (VUR). Basically, the check valve between her ureter and her bladder was nonexistent and her urine would free flow back up into her kidney and cause infections and kidney damage. After loads of tests, labs,x-rays and ultrasounds the doctors were able to find the exact antibiotic that would treat my poor suffering little baby and get her back to her sweet bobble-headed self. She was required to stay on a daily antibiotic everyday until her VUR either corrected itself or she had surgery. 3 surgeries later, at the age of 4, Brooke was finally able to discontinue that antibiotic
September 29, 2007. The day mom's life changed. The day my life changed. The day my entire family's life changed. Mom came into my and Ben's bedroom, which she absolutely never did, and woke me up at 7am asking me to take her to the hospital. My mom never saw doctors for anything and never wanted to take medicines for anything other than Advil. So for her to ask to go to the hospital meant that something was severely wrong with her. Apparently, she had been up the entire night before in excruciating pain. My mom was a very private woman, and out of respect for her I will not go into detail about what was causing her pain...all you need to know was that it scared her, hurt her and had her thinking she was dying. But even in those thoughts, she didn't want to "make a fuss at night while everyone was sleeping" to have me take her to the hospital. I love her for always putting others first, but also despise her for never thinking she was important enough to take care of herself before others.
The doctors were able to tell mom that they believed her "issue" that was casuing her pain was most likely the result of diverticulitis, but they wouldn't be completly sure until further testing. Mom was kept in the hospital on antibiotics and pain meds and went for surgery on my birthday October 7 for a colostomy. The drs wanted to give mom's bowel and bladder time to heal before they reversed the colostomy and "fixed the problem". In the mean time, mom felt 100% better and coped with having a colostomy rather well. For her, she focused on the fact that it was all going to be reversed and this was a minor hiccup that she had to temporarily deal with.
A week or so later, I took mom to have a colonoscopy done to see just how bad her diverticulitis was. I used to work for the GI dr that did her colonoscopy so I felt very comfortably with his knowledge and expertise. But when he came out and spoke to me in the recovery holding room, I prayed that he was wrong. "Niki, I'm not going to lie to you. I believe your mother has colon cancer. I took a few specimens and am sending them off to be tested for certain, but I know what cancer looks like. There is a large tumor in your mother that I believe may also be in her bladder now. I am so sorry and I really hope that I am wrong." I never said any of this to my mom. Never told her about that conversation when she came to. On the ride home and the next day, all I told her was "Dr Park will call us with the definitive results once he gets the biopsy report back. Good or bad, we are going to get through this together mom, I promise." Those last 11 words will forever haunt me.
-----------and here is where I am going to stop for now....I feel some tears coming on, so I'm going to go up, sneak into my munchkins' rooms and smooch them and then curl up next to Ben and find my comfort once again.
Let me preface this by saying my mom was my very first best friend and has remained that my entire life. She and my husband have been the only 2 people in my life that I have ever felt completely comfortable being 100% myself with. Hands down, my life has been better because of having both of them in it.
If you know me, then you know that my life in the past 4years has been mainly circulating around caring for my mother (diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer in Oct '07) and my 2 children (Nate and Brooke). I didn't anticipate myself living this life at the age of 31....I mean, I saw kids and knew I'd have them and wanted more than anything to be a mother. But I always pictured myself having the perfect balance between career and kids. I tried the career- worked in the medical field- and decided to take my "break from it" when I first became pregnant with my "Nater-Tot". I fell in love with that perfect little baby boy and knew that my plans/priorities were forever altered by his mere existence. And I was good with that. Two and a half years and 1 heartbreaking/mind-f-ing miscarriage later, my life was blessed yet again with my beautiful "Boogielyn". I was a mother and a wife and had my family just as I felt I was supposed to. Work could wait as long as my incredible husband, Ben, could handle being the sole money-maker. And he was good with that.
Ben and I have always felt that if you're blessed with kids, and your lifestyle allows for it, those kids should be able to bond and be with at least one of their parents at least until the age of 2. Those first 2 years in a child's life are so amazing and wondrous- both for the child AND the parent. And I say that as a mom, and also as someone who witnessed children in a daycare first hand. My mom ran her own daycare out of our house for 13-14years ...she started it my freshman year at Mercy High School. I don't think day care is bad, or parents that put their newborns/babies/children in daycare are bad....in fact, I feel like if you can find that one diamond of a center and angel of a provider, I think a daycare can benefit your child. I would have gladly left my children to be taken care of by my mother at the age of 6weeks....she was a "mother teacher" to every single child that she watched. She made sure that those fresh young minds learned and absorbed educational material and emotional balance. I've recently touched base with some of her daycare parents and they have praised my mom's gentle hands and heart with the progression of their well-rounded, smart, happy , now teenagers. "You're mother was amazing with with my kids and they STILL to this day talk about her and the fun memories she created with them!"
My mom took her very last breath on this earth the morning of February 2 , 2011 at 9:53am. I watched it. I heard it. I felt it. And I still can't believe it. She is gone. That gentle hand, that loving heart, those forgiving eyes....gone.
My mom moved in with Ben, Nate and myself when Nate was just about 1.5. Her original plan was to take care of her mother for a while and then eventually get a condo in Bel Air. So she sold the house that I was born and raised in. The house that I made some fantastic memories as a kid and teen in!! It was the house where I had many many sleepovers with my girlfriends and stayed up all night talking, where I had my first kiss, where a million times I would jump on a pillow and slide down the steps with my brother until we crashed into the wall at the bottom. It was the house that held my surprise bridal shower, and where I went to "recover" after having my gall bladder out only 2 months after becoming a first time mom. It was my home for 20+ years. But it was ok to see it go because I knew it was becoming a lonely burden (emotionally and financialy) for my mom to bare on her own. Besides, I had married and made a new home for my new family in Bel Air...lives were changing and it was all good.
I've learned that life gets tricky when you get too cocky. Once you think you have it figured out, life decides to send you a message that clearly says "We're gonna shake things up a bit since you seem to comfortable!"
Things didn't work out for my mom the way it should have for her living and 100% caring for my grandmother. That's an entirely different story that really i need not go into...all I have to say about that is that people that jump to conclusions without ever knowing all of the facts tend to leave scars on hearts that only try to love..... my mom was that scarred heart in the end.
Anyway, mom moved in with us while she waited, and waited and waited and waited, for the perfect condo to become available in Bel Air for her to move into. It was fine. She was fun to be with- we shopped, played with Nate, had a built in babysitter....and anyone with kids can testify to how glorious a good babysitter can be!! It was temporary and seemed to be the plan that would benefit everyone. When a condo did finally become available, mom put a bid in on it but was out bid with cash. She had a chance to counter offer but for whatever reason (and everyone will have their assumptions as to why) she didn't feel she wanted to offer any more money. So she stayed with us and eventually moved with us again into our current home in Jarrettsville.
During that time, Ben and I suffered a heartbreaking miscarriage. Our second child was due to be born on February 2 (date sound familiar?) 2006. We were over the moon with excitement telling everyone our joyous news. I still remember the day I wrote on one of Nate's onsies: on the front it read "Just Call Me..." and on the back it said "BIG BROTHER". That was my way of telling Ben that he was going to be a daddy again. I vividly can remember the look on his face when he came home from work, went in to Nate's room to get Nate from his nap (which he would do pretty much do routinely) and after starring at his front for a few minutes, turned Nate around and then got the biggest grin on his face and started to laugh his "happy nervous" little chuckle. Nate just stood completley oblivious as to why we were laughing with his chubby little cheeks and toothy little grin squealing and jumping in his crib. (Ahh, the sweet innocence of that little babe! Now that he's a 7yr old that aparently knows everything, I look back to such days to remember that his horns that pop out every now and then were not present at birth! ;-) ). That moment in my life will forever be one of my most perfect moments that I will never ever forget. Sadly, it wasn't long after that I went for my 12week sonogram only to learn that that sweet, already loved, joyous little gift that I was carrying "stopped it's progression at 11weeks"....my world changed and I was (and sometimes still am)consumed with guilt that I had somehow done something wrong that caused my child not to make it into this world. That is a horrible feeling. No answers as to why it happened. My health was supposedly fine. I did everything my OBGYN told me to do, I was taking my vitamins. The drs couldn't give me any solid reason as to why this happened....so my mind went to the thought that i must have done something wrong morally to deserve such a punishment. I know what everyone told me: "Things all happen for a reason", "It's probably better it happened now, you wouldn't want a baby with birth defects", "You did nothing wrong, it is what it is and there's nothing you can do but focus on the child you already have"..... and I know everyone meant well in saying it, but all of it means crap to the mother that is going through the loss. My mom repeatedly told me something that at the time I thought was so cold. She told me "Niki, all of this too shall pass". It wasn't until years later that she and I talked about what she meant and I understood what she was trying to tell me. The only thing worse than losing a child is to have your child suffer so deeply and so raw right in front of you and you can't do a damned thing about it...."This too shall pass" was her way of trying to teach me that life will always have it's ups and downs. The ups will seem to fly by fast and last for only minutes in comparison to the downs that will seem to drag on for an eternity....mom wanted me to remember that this down will pass and my up will be here before I know it. (Don't know if my explanation is as good as my mom's was....but hopefully you get the point!)
As usual, mother knows best, and my up came almost 2 months after that lowest low. I was pregnant with my daughter! And better yet, my pregnancy was going beautifully! Ben and I purchased our house in Jarrettsville complete with the swing set in the backyard ready to be played on by our perfect little munchkins. We moved in on my father-in-laws birthday November18th (and he was a saint for helping us move on his birthday!!) and my mom and I went straight to work deciding on how to design the kids' bedrooms. She still hadn't found her condo yet so she moved with us and continued to "couch it" in what was going to be the kid's playroom. (Mom "LOVED" our This Ends Up couch because she said it was better for her back than any bed...personally I think it was all just BS she told us because she never wanted us to have to "go out of our way" to put up a bed for her even though we offered to millions of times. That's just my personal opinion.)
Brookelyn was born the end of May in 2006. I couldn't have been more happy to have my mom living with us when I came home from the hospital. Not only was she able to keep Nate and make him feel so special during the time Ben & I were actually in the hospital, but she was my second set of hands in handling a non_sleeping newborn and curious little 2.5yr old. Ben even told me on occasion that he was glad to have her here to keep an eye on things while we attempted a nap every once in a while. Life was good...literally.
When Brooke was around 6 moths old, and after an incredibly scary 10day stay in the hospital for sepsis with a fever of 106, she was diagnosed with VasicoUreteralReflux (VUR). Basically, the check valve between her ureter and her bladder was nonexistent and her urine would free flow back up into her kidney and cause infections and kidney damage. After loads of tests, labs,x-rays and ultrasounds the doctors were able to find the exact antibiotic that would treat my poor suffering little baby and get her back to her sweet bobble-headed self. She was required to stay on a daily antibiotic everyday until her VUR either corrected itself or she had surgery. 3 surgeries later, at the age of 4, Brooke was finally able to discontinue that antibiotic
September 29, 2007. The day mom's life changed. The day my life changed. The day my entire family's life changed. Mom came into my and Ben's bedroom, which she absolutely never did, and woke me up at 7am asking me to take her to the hospital. My mom never saw doctors for anything and never wanted to take medicines for anything other than Advil. So for her to ask to go to the hospital meant that something was severely wrong with her. Apparently, she had been up the entire night before in excruciating pain. My mom was a very private woman, and out of respect for her I will not go into detail about what was causing her pain...all you need to know was that it scared her, hurt her and had her thinking she was dying. But even in those thoughts, she didn't want to "make a fuss at night while everyone was sleeping" to have me take her to the hospital. I love her for always putting others first, but also despise her for never thinking she was important enough to take care of herself before others.
The doctors were able to tell mom that they believed her "issue" that was casuing her pain was most likely the result of diverticulitis, but they wouldn't be completly sure until further testing. Mom was kept in the hospital on antibiotics and pain meds and went for surgery on my birthday October 7 for a colostomy. The drs wanted to give mom's bowel and bladder time to heal before they reversed the colostomy and "fixed the problem". In the mean time, mom felt 100% better and coped with having a colostomy rather well. For her, she focused on the fact that it was all going to be reversed and this was a minor hiccup that she had to temporarily deal with.
A week or so later, I took mom to have a colonoscopy done to see just how bad her diverticulitis was. I used to work for the GI dr that did her colonoscopy so I felt very comfortably with his knowledge and expertise. But when he came out and spoke to me in the recovery holding room, I prayed that he was wrong. "Niki, I'm not going to lie to you. I believe your mother has colon cancer. I took a few specimens and am sending them off to be tested for certain, but I know what cancer looks like. There is a large tumor in your mother that I believe may also be in her bladder now. I am so sorry and I really hope that I am wrong." I never said any of this to my mom. Never told her about that conversation when she came to. On the ride home and the next day, all I told her was "Dr Park will call us with the definitive results once he gets the biopsy report back. Good or bad, we are going to get through this together mom, I promise." Those last 11 words will forever haunt me.
-----------and here is where I am going to stop for now....I feel some tears coming on, so I'm going to go up, sneak into my munchkins' rooms and smooch them and then curl up next to Ben and find my comfort once again.
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