One year ago today was the last time you spoke to me.
One year ago today was the last time I heard your voice.
One year ago today was the last time you reached out and hugged me.
One year ago today was the last time I saw you smile.
One year ago today was the last time you said "i love you".
One year ago today was the last time I felt whole.
One year ago tomorrow, a part of me died with you.
I can't explain how much I miss you, mom....I love you to the heavens and back.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
It's a new year...or is it a new fear?
I took a little time off from blogging because I was sarting to think it wasn't helping and instead it was actually causing me to be more "in my head" than not. I guess you could say that I have been attempting to avoid my own thoughts for a while now....running from something that seems stationary in your mind, heart and soul is completley futile. The holidays have reinforced that lesson.
So it's 2012. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's are all over. I made it through them. Not without MANY tears and a sickening, empty, sad gloom that hoovered over my every day, but I made it through them none the less. It was then that I really started to understand that she's not coming back.
For some time now, I suppose I have been allowing myself to think of my mom as being "away" as though in another hospital stay or at my brother's and that adventually she would be back. Thanksgiving was my first slap in the face that made me wake up to reality. Mom wasn't home for her favorite meal of turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing and cranberries....and she never would be again.
Christmas Eve came at me like a cannon straight through my sanity. It all was real. I was wrong. There was no hospital that had my mother. My brother's house was empty and she was not there. This county, this state, this earth did not have my mom tucked away somewhere to retun her to me or to allow me to visit her. She was not going to be home to help me set up the kids' presents. She hadn't been there to help me stalk the "toy of the year" for Nate or Brooke. Mom wouldn't be in her rocking chair or any hospital bed tearing open a silly little gift that her grandkids made for her and that reality was more than I could handle!
Christmas Eve was spent 90% in tears and 10% in forced, phoney conversation on my part.
It's hard to fully expalin this new "ground" that grief has lead me to. It's been almost 1year since my mom's death and yet I feel like I hurt more and the sorrow keeps growing more intense than ever. And the only thing I can think that it steams from is that the shock of it all has worn off. I knew mom was dead...I watched her die. But I never really allowed myself to believe it I guess. And now, I am starting to believe it. Maybe every time I began to believe it before, I distracted myself and subconsiously lied to myself that it wasn't the truth nor was it as bad as it seemed. Maybe I have been going through those proverbial stages of grief and I didn't know it? Maybe it's God's way of telling me I need to go through it to begin to heal? I don't know. What I do know is that I find myself thinking of my mom all the time and reliving her last days over and over again in my head.
I found myself packing my son's lunch the other night and yet I was rehashing a conversation I had had with my mom in the hospital when she asked me if she was dying and made me promise to tell her if /when she was. "Did I keep my promise? Did I ever tell her? I'm pretty sure I never said it....pretty sure that I just avoided it and never told her the truth...What kind of daughter does that?!?!? Who doesn't keep a promise to thier mother and best friend?!?!?"
Yeah, that about sums up my everyday thoughts. Which now I am sure, must have something to do with my every night dreams/nightmares. Nice, right?
Life is something that many of us take for granted. You drive fast, you run across busy streets, you smoke, drink, lay out in the sun for hours with oil on our skin hoping to get that perfect tan.....all without ever thinking how it could harm our lives. I have to admit that I am no longer in that carefree state of living. I am fearful. And I HATE it!
I try not to be, but in all actuallity, I am scared of everything now. Every little heath issue becomes completely blown out of proportion in my mind. Every little scenerio that I hear of my loved ones being in becomes a horrible opportunity that could harm them or even worse, kill them....in my mind. Now that I know the worst CAN happen, I feel as though I am just waiting for it to happen again. That other shoe is going to drop when I least expect it...I won't be prepared....my world will once again be thrown off it's axis and I won't be ready for it. I CAN NOT HANDLE THAT AGAIN! So, I find my self here in this constant state of fear and anxiety.
And now that I see that life and time is moving on without my mom, I have a new fear that people will forget about her....that I might forget special little things about her!! I try to calm myself and I know it does no good worrying about things, however, I have always had that tendency in my nature. Lately it has just been maximized to the extreme and my anxiety become fears.
I was hoping that by this new year I would have found a way to snap myself out of this vicious cycle with myself but obviously I haven't. And so, with this new year, I am sure, will come some new fear....
So it's 2012. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's are all over. I made it through them. Not without MANY tears and a sickening, empty, sad gloom that hoovered over my every day, but I made it through them none the less. It was then that I really started to understand that she's not coming back.
For some time now, I suppose I have been allowing myself to think of my mom as being "away" as though in another hospital stay or at my brother's and that adventually she would be back. Thanksgiving was my first slap in the face that made me wake up to reality. Mom wasn't home for her favorite meal of turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing and cranberries....and she never would be again.
Christmas Eve came at me like a cannon straight through my sanity. It all was real. I was wrong. There was no hospital that had my mother. My brother's house was empty and she was not there. This county, this state, this earth did not have my mom tucked away somewhere to retun her to me or to allow me to visit her. She was not going to be home to help me set up the kids' presents. She hadn't been there to help me stalk the "toy of the year" for Nate or Brooke. Mom wouldn't be in her rocking chair or any hospital bed tearing open a silly little gift that her grandkids made for her and that reality was more than I could handle!
Christmas Eve was spent 90% in tears and 10% in forced, phoney conversation on my part.
It's hard to fully expalin this new "ground" that grief has lead me to. It's been almost 1year since my mom's death and yet I feel like I hurt more and the sorrow keeps growing more intense than ever. And the only thing I can think that it steams from is that the shock of it all has worn off. I knew mom was dead...I watched her die. But I never really allowed myself to believe it I guess. And now, I am starting to believe it. Maybe every time I began to believe it before, I distracted myself and subconsiously lied to myself that it wasn't the truth nor was it as bad as it seemed. Maybe I have been going through those proverbial stages of grief and I didn't know it? Maybe it's God's way of telling me I need to go through it to begin to heal? I don't know. What I do know is that I find myself thinking of my mom all the time and reliving her last days over and over again in my head.
I found myself packing my son's lunch the other night and yet I was rehashing a conversation I had had with my mom in the hospital when she asked me if she was dying and made me promise to tell her if /when she was. "Did I keep my promise? Did I ever tell her? I'm pretty sure I never said it....pretty sure that I just avoided it and never told her the truth...What kind of daughter does that?!?!? Who doesn't keep a promise to thier mother and best friend?!?!?"
Yeah, that about sums up my everyday thoughts. Which now I am sure, must have something to do with my every night dreams/nightmares. Nice, right?
Life is something that many of us take for granted. You drive fast, you run across busy streets, you smoke, drink, lay out in the sun for hours with oil on our skin hoping to get that perfect tan.....all without ever thinking how it could harm our lives. I have to admit that I am no longer in that carefree state of living. I am fearful. And I HATE it!
I try not to be, but in all actuallity, I am scared of everything now. Every little heath issue becomes completely blown out of proportion in my mind. Every little scenerio that I hear of my loved ones being in becomes a horrible opportunity that could harm them or even worse, kill them....in my mind. Now that I know the worst CAN happen, I feel as though I am just waiting for it to happen again. That other shoe is going to drop when I least expect it...I won't be prepared....my world will once again be thrown off it's axis and I won't be ready for it. I CAN NOT HANDLE THAT AGAIN! So, I find my self here in this constant state of fear and anxiety.
And now that I see that life and time is moving on without my mom, I have a new fear that people will forget about her....that I might forget special little things about her!! I try to calm myself and I know it does no good worrying about things, however, I have always had that tendency in my nature. Lately it has just been maximized to the extreme and my anxiety become fears.
I was hoping that by this new year I would have found a way to snap myself out of this vicious cycle with myself but obviously I haven't. And so, with this new year, I am sure, will come some new fear....
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
6 months
Today marks the 6month anniversary of my mom's death. Its hare to believe it has been half of a year without her. Shouldn't I feel "adjusted" by know? Shouldn't things be some what "normal" for me? I still don't know that I've really accepted her being gone. I still expect to hear her call for me or see her sitting in her chair sleeping when I go downstairs. Six months......its unreal how strong the pain still is......and the memory of every single moment of Wednesday, February 2nd.
Ugh, forget it. I can't blog this. Can't see with these God Damned tears!! The point is, TODAY HURTS AS BAD AS EVERY DAY HAS FOR THE LAST 6 MONTHS. My mom hasnt been here to hug me, talk to me, laugh or cry with me for 6 months. And my heart is not feeling any less heavy.
I love you mom. I miss you.
Ugh, forget it. I can't blog this. Can't see with these God Damned tears!! The point is, TODAY HURTS AS BAD AS EVERY DAY HAS FOR THE LAST 6 MONTHS. My mom hasnt been here to hug me, talk to me, laugh or cry with me for 6 months. And my heart is not feeling any less heavy.
I love you mom. I miss you.
Monday, August 1, 2011
"It was more than just cheering for me. Its hard to expalain, ma."
Some days I feel like the world has forgotten about my mom. Some days I get irritated thinking that the people that were closest to her never seem to really talk about mom to me or share/show any emotion over her being gone anymore. It's enough that some days I can feel myself boiling with anger thinking that no one else is missing mom like I am....and how dare they move on and get over it!! But then there are days like today when I have a small conversation with someone that puts all of such thoughts to shame.
Today was Nate's first day of football practice. It's his 3rd year playing and he has convinced himself that this year he is going to be one of the best players on the team since he has finally grown a bit and is playing with kids his own size (he's always been one of if not THE smallest on his team....but I can proudly say he held his own when put up against kids twice his size!) Nate loves football. He may not always love going to practice, but the kid really loves game day and scrimages. He LOVES watching the Baltimore Ravens on tv and will even shout at the tv and get excited jumping up and down or slamming his hands to his head when watching a game. And if you ask him why he loves football so much he'll give you one answer...."it reminds me of my grandma and how she loved watching me play."
So today was an important day for my little buddy. And I knew that he was looking forward to strapping on his helmet and pads and seeing his teammates on the field. What I didn't know was what he was missing...or rather, WHO he was missing today.
This morning, while he was eating his breakfast and explaining to me what drills he was hoping they would do tonight, Nate shared something with me that pierced my heart. "You know ma, football used to be grandma's favorite sport. She used to like watching it with me. She didn't always understand it so I'd have to explain what happened sometimes, but I liked doing that." I sat down with him and just gave him the usual, "yeah, bud, I know....she sure did love doing everything and anything with you kids!" "Do you think grandma still wants to watch me now that she is in heaven? I wish I could see her face on the side of the field watching me one more time, or have her waiting for me to come home and tell her how awesome practice was". The next 2 sentences out of his mouth reviled my baby boy's heart to me; "It was more than just her cheering for me. It's hard to explain, ma." My mind nor mouth could form no words to speak to him. In that moment all I could do was hug him, rock him, and fight my tears. In my head all I could think was how unfair that my sweet little boy is experiencing such a deep sadness and how excruciating it is that I can't protecting him from it!! When I could finally speak I could only think to say something to lighten the moment. "i think its safe to bet that grandma is most definitely going to be watching you play football and that she has probably got ALL of heaven watching and cheering for her best little man! Even the Steeler fans up there are cheering for the J-ville Ravens this year because of your grandma!" I could breath again when Nate looked at me and giggled. I did my best to talk to him and reassure him that grandma is and always will be proudly watching over him even though we can't see her. And that just because she isnt here with us doesn't mean her love isn't. Words came out that I wasn't even aware of to comfort my Nater-Tot....and I can't help but wonder if that was my mama talking through me.
My son had such a strong connection with my mom. I know I've said it before, but truly they had an incredible bond. And in my own selfish grief I didn't consider how Nate has been feeling in all of his "big moments" since mom's death. This was an eye-opener for me. It isn't only myself that still feels the sting. A little J-ville Ravens player is battling his own emotions with the loss of this incredible force in his life. And its more than just her cheering that is gone for him.....its hard to explain and yet I completely understand it now.
**He's got a big heart, mom, you know that. But that big heart is holding lots of pain. He's trying so hard to be your brave little man. Listen for him, mom....he always felt understood by you.
Love and miss you forever.
N
Today was Nate's first day of football practice. It's his 3rd year playing and he has convinced himself that this year he is going to be one of the best players on the team since he has finally grown a bit and is playing with kids his own size (he's always been one of if not THE smallest on his team....but I can proudly say he held his own when put up against kids twice his size!) Nate loves football. He may not always love going to practice, but the kid really loves game day and scrimages. He LOVES watching the Baltimore Ravens on tv and will even shout at the tv and get excited jumping up and down or slamming his hands to his head when watching a game. And if you ask him why he loves football so much he'll give you one answer...."it reminds me of my grandma and how she loved watching me play."
So today was an important day for my little buddy. And I knew that he was looking forward to strapping on his helmet and pads and seeing his teammates on the field. What I didn't know was what he was missing...or rather, WHO he was missing today.
This morning, while he was eating his breakfast and explaining to me what drills he was hoping they would do tonight, Nate shared something with me that pierced my heart. "You know ma, football used to be grandma's favorite sport. She used to like watching it with me. She didn't always understand it so I'd have to explain what happened sometimes, but I liked doing that." I sat down with him and just gave him the usual, "yeah, bud, I know....she sure did love doing everything and anything with you kids!" "Do you think grandma still wants to watch me now that she is in heaven? I wish I could see her face on the side of the field watching me one more time, or have her waiting for me to come home and tell her how awesome practice was". The next 2 sentences out of his mouth reviled my baby boy's heart to me; "It was more than just her cheering for me. It's hard to explain, ma." My mind nor mouth could form no words to speak to him. In that moment all I could do was hug him, rock him, and fight my tears. In my head all I could think was how unfair that my sweet little boy is experiencing such a deep sadness and how excruciating it is that I can't protecting him from it!! When I could finally speak I could only think to say something to lighten the moment. "i think its safe to bet that grandma is most definitely going to be watching you play football and that she has probably got ALL of heaven watching and cheering for her best little man! Even the Steeler fans up there are cheering for the J-ville Ravens this year because of your grandma!" I could breath again when Nate looked at me and giggled. I did my best to talk to him and reassure him that grandma is and always will be proudly watching over him even though we can't see her. And that just because she isnt here with us doesn't mean her love isn't. Words came out that I wasn't even aware of to comfort my Nater-Tot....and I can't help but wonder if that was my mama talking through me.
My son had such a strong connection with my mom. I know I've said it before, but truly they had an incredible bond. And in my own selfish grief I didn't consider how Nate has been feeling in all of his "big moments" since mom's death. This was an eye-opener for me. It isn't only myself that still feels the sting. A little J-ville Ravens player is battling his own emotions with the loss of this incredible force in his life. And its more than just her cheering that is gone for him.....its hard to explain and yet I completely understand it now.
**He's got a big heart, mom, you know that. But that big heart is holding lots of pain. He's trying so hard to be your brave little man. Listen for him, mom....he always felt understood by you.
Love and miss you forever.
N
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Maddison Olivia McLain....her initials spell your name
Dear Mom,
She's here, Maddie is finally here :) And she is perfect! (but you already knew that!) Todd is sooooo proud...he couldn't keep his eyes off of her :) And Nic- talk about a woman on a mission! She was incredible! So calm and relaxed. I was definitely more frantic and chaotic from excitement! :)
It was bittersweet sitting in the waiting room, mom. I just kept picturing the last time we were there....you and I sat giggling with excitement for Brody to come....and then snapping pics of each other with our silly name tags informing people we were the "favorite aunt" and "proud grandma" after he was born! I made my name tag today just like that one, but no one giggled with me or understood the inside joke. I wanted so badly to hear you laugh until you cried.
But I know you were there. Not even death would keep you from the birth of your grandchild! Nate said you were lucky because you got to see Maddie first since babies come from heaven....I totally agree with him :) At one point, Brooke asked me if you picked who's hair color Maddie would have! (by the way, she thinks you should've given Maddie pink hair since it is a "princess color"!) And of course, I filled in with the random tears of joy that you always shed! I swear I felt like you as I was tearing up walking down the hallway to see Nicole before the baby was even born...and I felt horrible for ever teasing you about it.
Ugh, so many emotions today, mom. You were steady on my brain and heart. Things this joyous and significant are supposed to be shared with loved ones. And as much as I firmly believe you were there, it was rough not physically sharing it with you. I'm sure Todd felt the same way. But I did my best to represent you, mama! I gave the hugs, the tears of happiness, the encouraging words, and the snacks and gifts for the kids just like you would've done! I tried to find a pink musical bear for Maddie like the one you gave Brooke but could only find a musical giraffe...still, it was in tradition and you would've approved its cuteness factor!
Did you hear me talking to Maddie? I promised to help her know all about you and what an awesome grandma you were. And everything else I said I know is true....and I know you'll make sure of it.
I can't say it enough....I miss you, mama, and I love you so incredibly much. Thank you for being MY mom and my foundation. And thank you for loving me with "mother love".
I know I don't have to say it, but be with Todd and Nicole and help them in these first few months. They are great parents, but even the greatest parents need some extra tlc in the beginning ;) Give them a sign and let them know you're there. And keep an eye on Miss Maddie O....I have a feeling she's going to give Todd and Nic a run for their money as all little girls do ;)
I'm out of words for tonight mom, so I'm going to hit the sack. I hope to see you in my dreams and we can talk face to face about your newest little grandbaby....and I can hear you giggle until you cry with me.
Forever XOXO,
Your baby girl
She's here, Maddie is finally here :) And she is perfect! (but you already knew that!) Todd is sooooo proud...he couldn't keep his eyes off of her :) And Nic- talk about a woman on a mission! She was incredible! So calm and relaxed. I was definitely more frantic and chaotic from excitement! :)
It was bittersweet sitting in the waiting room, mom. I just kept picturing the last time we were there....you and I sat giggling with excitement for Brody to come....and then snapping pics of each other with our silly name tags informing people we were the "favorite aunt" and "proud grandma" after he was born! I made my name tag today just like that one, but no one giggled with me or understood the inside joke. I wanted so badly to hear you laugh until you cried.
But I know you were there. Not even death would keep you from the birth of your grandchild! Nate said you were lucky because you got to see Maddie first since babies come from heaven....I totally agree with him :) At one point, Brooke asked me if you picked who's hair color Maddie would have! (by the way, she thinks you should've given Maddie pink hair since it is a "princess color"!) And of course, I filled in with the random tears of joy that you always shed! I swear I felt like you as I was tearing up walking down the hallway to see Nicole before the baby was even born...and I felt horrible for ever teasing you about it.
Ugh, so many emotions today, mom. You were steady on my brain and heart. Things this joyous and significant are supposed to be shared with loved ones. And as much as I firmly believe you were there, it was rough not physically sharing it with you. I'm sure Todd felt the same way. But I did my best to represent you, mama! I gave the hugs, the tears of happiness, the encouraging words, and the snacks and gifts for the kids just like you would've done! I tried to find a pink musical bear for Maddie like the one you gave Brooke but could only find a musical giraffe...still, it was in tradition and you would've approved its cuteness factor!
Did you hear me talking to Maddie? I promised to help her know all about you and what an awesome grandma you were. And everything else I said I know is true....and I know you'll make sure of it.
I can't say it enough....I miss you, mama, and I love you so incredibly much. Thank you for being MY mom and my foundation. And thank you for loving me with "mother love".
I know I don't have to say it, but be with Todd and Nicole and help them in these first few months. They are great parents, but even the greatest parents need some extra tlc in the beginning ;) Give them a sign and let them know you're there. And keep an eye on Miss Maddie O....I have a feeling she's going to give Todd and Nic a run for their money as all little girls do ;)
I'm out of words for tonight mom, so I'm going to hit the sack. I hope to see you in my dreams and we can talk face to face about your newest little grandbaby....and I can hear you giggle until you cry with me.
Forever XOXO,
Your baby girl
Saturday, July 16, 2011
"This one's marked FRAGILE"....
A box is just a simple item. It's uses are simple: contain, shield and protect, storage. It has 6 sides and comes in a variety of sizes. Pretty boring. Unless that "boring 6 sided container" holds items that once belonged to a loved one who is no longer here. That totally changes the value of a box.
I learned that today. I guess I've known it since the day my mom died, but today really reinforced that knowledge.
My mother-in-law came over today to help me start sorting through boxes of my mom's things. It's a job that I have been avoiding and putting off doing for months (and honestly wouldn't mind putting off doing for years). But its a job that needs to be done in order to give my kids their basement back to play in and my husband back his area to watch his "man tv". I was hoping that I could attack it with a numb mind and zip through it like ripping a band aide off quickly.....make the sting hurt less. (Deep down I knew that was not realistic but I hoped nontheless.) But just in walking down my stairs and looking at my mom's clothes, Christmas decorations and nicknacks stacked all around reminded me that this was much more than just a band aide kind of situation. That burning pit in my stomach and heart reminds me why I haven't attempted this move yet...
My mother-in-law knew that I would have to take this job in small bits. She knows this is not something I can handle taking care of all in one day. She knows I am fragile when it comes to this....so we limited ourselves to just going through mom's clothes. I thought that would be the "safest start" for me since majority of mom's clothes were packed into an old chest and hadn't been worn in years. I figured "eh, they'll be pretty easy to whiz through and give away. Doubt i'll even recognize half of them..." .
I kid you not when I say my body started to shake when I opened the chest. It's as if my subconscious was trying to say, "prepare yourself! This is NOT easy like you think its going to be!".
I didn't want my M-I-L or the kids to notice me like that so I moved around a lot figiting with boxes pretending that I needed to clear a path in the room to be able to move around. I needed to cause a distraction for both them and myself! My M-I-L started pushing boxes and rearranging them with me..."This one's marked FRAGILE so be careful where it goes"
Those words at that very moment perfectly described ME.
"Deep breath. You can do this Nik....you HAVE to do this. Dammit! Why am I here doing this!! Why the f **** is she gone!! We were supposed to beat that God dammed cancer!! This is NOT how her life or my life was supposed to go!!!!!!!! Deep breath Niki, deep breath and no tears......crap, I totally remember all of these clothes....."
I made it through the chest. Not fast, not slow, but I made it through with only a small break. I could remember shopping with mom for these clothes. That blue shirt- she wore it to go see Thomas the Train with Nate.....those pants she wore to Brookelyn's christening...that grey shirt was the one she helped me paint the deck at our old house in. I could see her in them. I could picture her perfectly and it brought on a fear that by giving away those clothes I would be giving away that perfect picture they awake in my memory. That is a fear that cuts deep.
It wasn't until I moved on to her clothes that were hanging, the ones she wore regularly for her last 2 years, that I really felt myself slipping off the ledge. Every shirt, ever running jacket that she loved, every pair of pants that she lived in, they all ripped my fingers from the grip I desperately clinged to from falling into my own bottomless pit of heartbreak. The final punch was her scarf.....it smelled just like her. The morning that would end up being her last here at home, I told her to be sure and keep her scarf around her neck when Todd came to pick her up because it was so cold out. She hated the cold.....she loved her scarf......I loved her. She left it, her small aqua colored scarf. It's a treasure to me now. Who would have ever thought a simple Target purchase would one day hold a priceless value? That scarf is staying with me along with some other important pieces of her wardrobe.
Ben moved the boxes of mom's "GoodWill" clothes up to the back door. I haven't let him take them to the car yet....babysteps. It's not easy letting go of any of my mom's things because it feels like I'm letting go of what I have left of her. I know, I know.....she is in my heart and I never will really "let her go". But for the love of God I can't help feeling like she's being taken from me all over again. And it HURTS!. I don't know where to turn to get comfort from it...I only find distractions that help me avoid.
I imagine I will keep the boxes at the back door for a few days to help "prepare me" until they make it to the GoodWill. It's kind of like my Brookie learning to swim....she used her life vest to get used to the water, then she got brave and took it off, few days later and with some coaching she is swimming under water on her own. I figure I am in the "no life vest" phase right now. I am not brave enough to let go of the ladder and swimm under water yet. My mind is scared of the wave that is waiting to take me down and my heart is terrified of the pain and hurt that still lies ahead. Too bad life doesn't care if "This one is marked FRAGILE".
Mom, I love you. My heart hurts from missing you so much. You are the only one that would truly understand what I am feeling....but you're not hear to talk it over with.... <3
I learned that today. I guess I've known it since the day my mom died, but today really reinforced that knowledge.
My mother-in-law came over today to help me start sorting through boxes of my mom's things. It's a job that I have been avoiding and putting off doing for months (and honestly wouldn't mind putting off doing for years). But its a job that needs to be done in order to give my kids their basement back to play in and my husband back his area to watch his "man tv". I was hoping that I could attack it with a numb mind and zip through it like ripping a band aide off quickly.....make the sting hurt less. (Deep down I knew that was not realistic but I hoped nontheless.) But just in walking down my stairs and looking at my mom's clothes, Christmas decorations and nicknacks stacked all around reminded me that this was much more than just a band aide kind of situation. That burning pit in my stomach and heart reminds me why I haven't attempted this move yet...
My mother-in-law knew that I would have to take this job in small bits. She knows this is not something I can handle taking care of all in one day. She knows I am fragile when it comes to this....so we limited ourselves to just going through mom's clothes. I thought that would be the "safest start" for me since majority of mom's clothes were packed into an old chest and hadn't been worn in years. I figured "eh, they'll be pretty easy to whiz through and give away. Doubt i'll even recognize half of them..." .
I kid you not when I say my body started to shake when I opened the chest. It's as if my subconscious was trying to say, "prepare yourself! This is NOT easy like you think its going to be!".
I didn't want my M-I-L or the kids to notice me like that so I moved around a lot figiting with boxes pretending that I needed to clear a path in the room to be able to move around. I needed to cause a distraction for both them and myself! My M-I-L started pushing boxes and rearranging them with me..."This one's marked FRAGILE so be careful where it goes"
Those words at that very moment perfectly described ME.
"Deep breath. You can do this Nik....you HAVE to do this. Dammit! Why am I here doing this!! Why the f **** is she gone!! We were supposed to beat that God dammed cancer!! This is NOT how her life or my life was supposed to go!!!!!!!! Deep breath Niki, deep breath and no tears......crap, I totally remember all of these clothes....."
I made it through the chest. Not fast, not slow, but I made it through with only a small break. I could remember shopping with mom for these clothes. That blue shirt- she wore it to go see Thomas the Train with Nate.....those pants she wore to Brookelyn's christening...that grey shirt was the one she helped me paint the deck at our old house in. I could see her in them. I could picture her perfectly and it brought on a fear that by giving away those clothes I would be giving away that perfect picture they awake in my memory. That is a fear that cuts deep.
It wasn't until I moved on to her clothes that were hanging, the ones she wore regularly for her last 2 years, that I really felt myself slipping off the ledge. Every shirt, ever running jacket that she loved, every pair of pants that she lived in, they all ripped my fingers from the grip I desperately clinged to from falling into my own bottomless pit of heartbreak. The final punch was her scarf.....it smelled just like her. The morning that would end up being her last here at home, I told her to be sure and keep her scarf around her neck when Todd came to pick her up because it was so cold out. She hated the cold.....she loved her scarf......I loved her. She left it, her small aqua colored scarf. It's a treasure to me now. Who would have ever thought a simple Target purchase would one day hold a priceless value? That scarf is staying with me along with some other important pieces of her wardrobe.
Ben moved the boxes of mom's "GoodWill" clothes up to the back door. I haven't let him take them to the car yet....babysteps. It's not easy letting go of any of my mom's things because it feels like I'm letting go of what I have left of her. I know, I know.....she is in my heart and I never will really "let her go". But for the love of God I can't help feeling like she's being taken from me all over again. And it HURTS!. I don't know where to turn to get comfort from it...I only find distractions that help me avoid.
I imagine I will keep the boxes at the back door for a few days to help "prepare me" until they make it to the GoodWill. It's kind of like my Brookie learning to swim....she used her life vest to get used to the water, then she got brave and took it off, few days later and with some coaching she is swimming under water on her own. I figure I am in the "no life vest" phase right now. I am not brave enough to let go of the ladder and swimm under water yet. My mind is scared of the wave that is waiting to take me down and my heart is terrified of the pain and hurt that still lies ahead. Too bad life doesn't care if "This one is marked FRAGILE".
Mom, I love you. My heart hurts from missing you so much. You are the only one that would truly understand what I am feeling....but you're not hear to talk it over with.... <3
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Full of empty
Growing up, I had the first room down the hall on the right. Mom had a "for looks only" living room with her pretty white loveseat and dinning room with her sea-foam green carpet and Ethan Allen dinning room table. Every Christmas mom would set out her Nativity scene on top of her antique china cabinet....that's also where she helped Ben hide my engagement ring a few days before he proposed. Mom's bedroom was across the hall from mine next to the bathroom. Her canopy bed always reminded me of a princess' bed.....no frilly top to it or anything like that, but it was so tall and made of gorgeous cherry wood. The basement was the party room....years of Christmases, New Years and birthday parties. I remember having a gypsy bday party as a kid there, and my surprise sweet 16 bday party with the Juke box mom rented. My bridal shower and bachelorete parties all took place there. The kitchen at Deer Pass was small but mom always kept it tidy (as best she could with teens and a daycare!) She was sitting at that kitchen table when Ben and I gave her a baby rattle wrapped up to give her the news that she was going to be a first-time grandmom. Deer Pass held a lot of amazing moments in my life.
I remember packing it all up. Ben and I would go over every single day and help mom pack....I hated it. I was the one who researched moving companies and storage units. The day came and the movers loaded the truck. Everything that was to be moved had a pink ribbon tied to it and was put into the Stack n Store unit #3427.
Fast forward 7 years....Deer Pass is gone, mom is gone, and as of tonight unit #3427 is gone. We have emptied out all of the furniture, all of the boxes, all of the packed away memories in that storage unit. Todd has mom's dinning room table that she adored and was so proud of. The china cabinet now holds Ben's and my wedding china and her bed looks amazing in our room. My basement has all of the boxes stacked to the ceiling.....they're on her side of the basement in moms room that I haven't been able to bring myself to touch yet. The boxes of mom's Christmas ornaments are right next to her clothes that are still hanging up.
I can't even begin to describe the mixture of emotions that have been swarming inside my head and heart this past week. The only way I can think to describe it is to say I feel full of empty. Like the storage unit is right now, empty......I feel like thats me. And yet I also am glad to have mom's treasures in my house and with Todd. All of her things are "home" now, they are here but she's not. It leaves me full of empty.
Putting mom's China cabinet in my dinning room and filling it with the dishes, saucers and tea cups she helped me pick out brought me completely to my knees. I could almost hear her telling me "its an antique, so be careful with it". I have sat every day since we brought it home last Wednesday and just stared at it. I wish so badly that she were here to see it in our home. She told me a million times that I "should go get it and use it" but I never felt like digging through the stupid storage unit. I regret that.
The boxes downstairs are going to knock my legs out from under me....I'm terrified to go through them. I know i need to and I know I need to get the basement back into use for the sake of my husband and kids, but I don't want to open up a box that is ultimately going to hurt me and reopen a wound that I don't know how to heal. How do you go through items that belong to someone so important to you and decide what to keep and what to toss?! Every tiny, little, insignificant "thing" that holds any connection to mom is not something that I can easily part with these days....its like letting her go all over again and I don't know that I can handle that.....I really don't!
Everyone says "memories are kept in your head and heart, not in some box or container" and that "material things are just that, "things". But memories are a feeling". And everyone that says that either has never experienced a heartbreaking, life changing loss or they are worlds stronger than I can even imagine being. My memories are all I have left and I never want them to fade....its almost safer to keep them stored in a box. But then where does that leave me? It leaves me again feeling full of empty......
Oh Mama, I could really use your calming voice right now. There are sooooo many thoughts jamming up my brain. All of them screaming. What I wouldn't give to have you hold my hand and tell me "this too shall pass". Even if I didn't always believe you, the way you said it brought me a kind of peace that I haven't been able to find since you left. My heart hurts, mom. I feel like I miss you more now than i did even 3months ago. It scares me. I don't like this reality of you not being here to turn to when I need my mommy! I literally pray every night for you to talk to me so I can hear your voice again. Please, mom......talk to me and tell me what I'm supposed to do......
I love you always to the heavens and back a million times!!
Love,
Me
I remember packing it all up. Ben and I would go over every single day and help mom pack....I hated it. I was the one who researched moving companies and storage units. The day came and the movers loaded the truck. Everything that was to be moved had a pink ribbon tied to it and was put into the Stack n Store unit #3427.
Fast forward 7 years....Deer Pass is gone, mom is gone, and as of tonight unit #3427 is gone. We have emptied out all of the furniture, all of the boxes, all of the packed away memories in that storage unit. Todd has mom's dinning room table that she adored and was so proud of. The china cabinet now holds Ben's and my wedding china and her bed looks amazing in our room. My basement has all of the boxes stacked to the ceiling.....they're on her side of the basement in moms room that I haven't been able to bring myself to touch yet. The boxes of mom's Christmas ornaments are right next to her clothes that are still hanging up.
I can't even begin to describe the mixture of emotions that have been swarming inside my head and heart this past week. The only way I can think to describe it is to say I feel full of empty. Like the storage unit is right now, empty......I feel like thats me. And yet I also am glad to have mom's treasures in my house and with Todd. All of her things are "home" now, they are here but she's not. It leaves me full of empty.
Putting mom's China cabinet in my dinning room and filling it with the dishes, saucers and tea cups she helped me pick out brought me completely to my knees. I could almost hear her telling me "its an antique, so be careful with it". I have sat every day since we brought it home last Wednesday and just stared at it. I wish so badly that she were here to see it in our home. She told me a million times that I "should go get it and use it" but I never felt like digging through the stupid storage unit. I regret that.
The boxes downstairs are going to knock my legs out from under me....I'm terrified to go through them. I know i need to and I know I need to get the basement back into use for the sake of my husband and kids, but I don't want to open up a box that is ultimately going to hurt me and reopen a wound that I don't know how to heal. How do you go through items that belong to someone so important to you and decide what to keep and what to toss?! Every tiny, little, insignificant "thing" that holds any connection to mom is not something that I can easily part with these days....its like letting her go all over again and I don't know that I can handle that.....I really don't!
Everyone says "memories are kept in your head and heart, not in some box or container" and that "material things are just that, "things". But memories are a feeling". And everyone that says that either has never experienced a heartbreaking, life changing loss or they are worlds stronger than I can even imagine being. My memories are all I have left and I never want them to fade....its almost safer to keep them stored in a box. But then where does that leave me? It leaves me again feeling full of empty......
Oh Mama, I could really use your calming voice right now. There are sooooo many thoughts jamming up my brain. All of them screaming. What I wouldn't give to have you hold my hand and tell me "this too shall pass". Even if I didn't always believe you, the way you said it brought me a kind of peace that I haven't been able to find since you left. My heart hurts, mom. I feel like I miss you more now than i did even 3months ago. It scares me. I don't like this reality of you not being here to turn to when I need my mommy! I literally pray every night for you to talk to me so I can hear your voice again. Please, mom......talk to me and tell me what I'm supposed to do......
I love you always to the heavens and back a million times!!
Love,
Me
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