Some days I feel like the world has forgotten about my mom. Some days I get irritated thinking that the people that were closest to her never seem to really talk about mom to me or share/show any emotion over her being gone anymore. It's enough that some days I can feel myself boiling with anger thinking that no one else is missing mom like I am....and how dare they move on and get over it!! But then there are days like today when I have a small conversation with someone that puts all of such thoughts to shame.
Today was Nate's first day of football practice. It's his 3rd year playing and he has convinced himself that this year he is going to be one of the best players on the team since he has finally grown a bit and is playing with kids his own size (he's always been one of if not THE smallest on his team....but I can proudly say he held his own when put up against kids twice his size!) Nate loves football. He may not always love going to practice, but the kid really loves game day and scrimages. He LOVES watching the Baltimore Ravens on tv and will even shout at the tv and get excited jumping up and down or slamming his hands to his head when watching a game. And if you ask him why he loves football so much he'll give you one answer...."it reminds me of my grandma and how she loved watching me play."
So today was an important day for my little buddy. And I knew that he was looking forward to strapping on his helmet and pads and seeing his teammates on the field. What I didn't know was what he was missing...or rather, WHO he was missing today.
This morning, while he was eating his breakfast and explaining to me what drills he was hoping they would do tonight, Nate shared something with me that pierced my heart. "You know ma, football used to be grandma's favorite sport. She used to like watching it with me. She didn't always understand it so I'd have to explain what happened sometimes, but I liked doing that." I sat down with him and just gave him the usual, "yeah, bud, I know....she sure did love doing everything and anything with you kids!" "Do you think grandma still wants to watch me now that she is in heaven? I wish I could see her face on the side of the field watching me one more time, or have her waiting for me to come home and tell her how awesome practice was". The next 2 sentences out of his mouth reviled my baby boy's heart to me; "It was more than just her cheering for me. It's hard to explain, ma." My mind nor mouth could form no words to speak to him. In that moment all I could do was hug him, rock him, and fight my tears. In my head all I could think was how unfair that my sweet little boy is experiencing such a deep sadness and how excruciating it is that I can't protecting him from it!! When I could finally speak I could only think to say something to lighten the moment. "i think its safe to bet that grandma is most definitely going to be watching you play football and that she has probably got ALL of heaven watching and cheering for her best little man! Even the Steeler fans up there are cheering for the J-ville Ravens this year because of your grandma!" I could breath again when Nate looked at me and giggled. I did my best to talk to him and reassure him that grandma is and always will be proudly watching over him even though we can't see her. And that just because she isnt here with us doesn't mean her love isn't. Words came out that I wasn't even aware of to comfort my Nater-Tot....and I can't help but wonder if that was my mama talking through me.
My son had such a strong connection with my mom. I know I've said it before, but truly they had an incredible bond. And in my own selfish grief I didn't consider how Nate has been feeling in all of his "big moments" since mom's death. This was an eye-opener for me. It isn't only myself that still feels the sting. A little J-ville Ravens player is battling his own emotions with the loss of this incredible force in his life. And its more than just her cheering that is gone for him.....its hard to explain and yet I completely understand it now.
**He's got a big heart, mom, you know that. But that big heart is holding lots of pain. He's trying so hard to be your brave little man. Listen for him, mom....he always felt understood by you.
Love and miss you forever.
N
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