I was driving home from dropping Brooke off at school yesterday and was thinking that I really don't have anything crazy going on in life right now- nothing "exciting". I used to wish for such a time...and now I'm wondering if that desired "quiet time" is a good thing or a bad thing.
For the first time in 4 years, life seems just simple, No worrying about fandom high fevers that result in a trip to the ER, no making sure medicines are taken at the same time every day-some with food, some without. I don't have anymore late nights of changing tubes, bags or bandages. No worrying over Ct scans and PETscan results and whether they are going to show new tumor growth, no more all day stays at chemo. No more trying to figure out how to get my kids plus stay at the hospital to answer questions about mom & to talk try and catch a dr to answer questions that I have. - no longer have those major worries- it's all "simple" now. Simple can be a blessing, especially if you feel that you are juggling so many different issues in life that it seems like you aren't focused 100% on anything. But it can also be scary if you're not used to it. I mean, it IS nice to not have a major worry for once, however I'm not sure I know how to handle a "smooth ride" without creating more fear in myself that any minute now something awful is going to happen...again. It's a whole new way of thinking and living that I am really trying to train myself to be comfortable with. It's a process.
In the past year, I have lost 4 people that have held some form of true value in my life...
1) My Grandmother passed away Feb 26 last year. We knew it was coming, we knew it was a blessing for her to finally have all of her suffering and fears to be gone, but she was my grandma- the only grandma I ever really had any relationship with and can say was involved in my life. And I saw the pain that her passing brought to my mom...pain I never wanted to experience, but knew one day I would.
2) This past January A very close and dear friend of mine lost her husband in his sleep. Rick was an incredibly giving man that never thought twice about helping my family in any way he could. He was a photographer and brought all of his equipment and backdrops to my house during Christmas last year to take family photos of my mom and all of us because she was too weak to go out to him. He did that without ever thinking anything other than we NEEDED to have such valuable shots with my mom. HE knew that one day they would be all we had of her to physically lay our eyes on and remember her beautiful smile and loving eyes. Those photos are twice as precious to me now....I love you Rick for taking them!
3) Feb 2, 2011 I held my mom's hand and witnessed her last breath. I kissed her forehead for the very last time that day. I lost her smile, her voice, her hugs, our giggles, our chats, or fights and our routines. But I still have her memory, her lessons she taught me and her love. I feel the pain that she felt when my grandma died. That sting that comes with every glance of an object that belonged to her, that unwanted sense of quietness that fills the house even when my kids are screaming, and that ache that overwhelms me when I know that I can't change her being gone. It really is so overwhelming at times.
4) Exactly 2weeks to the day of losing my mom, my brother called me to tell me that a good high school friend of ours died early that morning. Chris and I had a friendship that was different and special. I met him when I was in 8th grade and remained close all through high school. We shared many memories together. He was my high school crush before I found my life long love in Ben, and was my jr prom date in his Marine blues. He was a big part of my teen life and was one of my core group of friends that I could always turn to for anything. Chris taught me alot about myself and what I deserved in a relationship- and I don't think he ever knew he did that. It is his death that has brought those few special people that I was closest to in high school back into my life and I hate that he is not here to reminisce with us all. The "group" will forever be different without him.
That is alot of loss to take in and have to accept in under 365 days. A lot of grief that has been piled on to work through and sort out. No rest in between to come to grips with the new reality that is now before the next smack comes along and knocks you down again. It makes you nervous to fully stand back up and even try to steady yourself....I don't want to be knocked down anymore.
There is one comfort that I find sends a sense of calm in to my thoughts...my belief in Heaven. I know that all of those beautiful souls of my family and friends that I love and cared about are experiencing pure bliss and complete happiness in Heaven. They are not missing me or anyone....they feel no pain, sadness or sorrow. I know that God has them safe...no doubt in my mind that God has them. I pray that they can feel all of the love that remains here on earth in my heart for them. I know that they are celebrating and living the "simple" lives that were waiting for them in Heaven. I'm trying to learn to do the same as best as I can here on earth. Simple will sit fine with me....someday.
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