Dear Mom....

Dear Mom,
I wish I could say all of this in person to you today. I want to say "Happy Mothers Day" to you and give you a sappy card and some cheesy predictable mothers day gift that we both end up making jokes about. But I am in the process of learning that what I want and wish for daily isn't something possible anymore. So this is what I'm left with....a blogged letter to you.

I hope that you and Gram had the absolute most perfect mother's day in heaven today. I imagine that is the only way things are done up there...perfectly....which is exactly what you deserve. I can totally see the two of you sitting there talking over your tea, or ice cream, and one of you starts into a giggle that leads both of you laughing to the point of tears. I have this picture in my head of you holding Gram's hand sitting on a sofa just like the one in her living room. And Papa waiting on "his girls" hand and foot (which we both know he deep down loved to do). So, am I close?

No need for me to tell you about how my day went, you saw. The surprise brunch was nice. The kids LOVED the chocolate fountain! And once again, Ben and I attempted a family picture which resulted in half our faces being cut off ;) one day we'll get it right!

But I made it through the day. Not without some tears and some deep breaths, but I got out of bed and enjoyed parts of the day (which isn't something I thought I was going to end up doing when lying awake all last night thinking). I'm proud of myself for doing that, mom. Sounds ridiculous to say that, doesn't it? Being proud of yourself for getting out of bed and enjoying the day....if I was someone who never experienced the loss of a mother and best friend I would say it sound pathetic. But I am experiencing that loss. So I do feel a sense of accomplishment in finding enjoyment in any part of my day. Of course, Ben, Nate and Brooke are good reasons to find enjoyment :) its just that Mothers day feels so different to me now. It feels like "half", if that even makes any sense. It just hurts knowing that my first ever reason for celebrating a mother's day isn't here anymore to celebrate with. I don't know if that'll ever get better for me.

I have to ask you....the hawk over the playground today- that was you, right? I told Ben to look up and we both just knew. And it was you yesterday checking in on me during the yard sale wasn't it...you always pick the perfect time to let me know you're still around. Its something I look for every single day, mom...so keep it coming!

I love you mom. Above all other crazy, sad, painful, confusing feelings I have, THAT is the strongest feeling that comes though....I hope you always knew and will forever know that.
Happy Mother's Day my sweet angel mother. Take care of your beautiful grandbaby for me and tell him/her only the happiest of stories about me until I get there someday to be with you guys again. Give Gram a big hug for me and tell her I said thank you for raising you to be the best mom that I could have ever been blessed with.
XOXO to the moon and back a million times!
Love,
Nickerooney