Full of empty

Growing up, I had the first room down the hall on the right. Mom had a "for looks only" living room with her pretty white loveseat and dinning room with her sea-foam green carpet and Ethan Allen dinning room table. Every Christmas mom would set out her Nativity scene on top of her antique china cabinet....that's also where she helped Ben hide my engagement ring a few days before he proposed. Mom's bedroom was across the hall from mine next to the bathroom. Her canopy bed always reminded me of a princess' bed.....no frilly top to it or anything like that, but it was so tall and made of gorgeous cherry wood. The basement was the party room....years of Christmases, New Years and birthday parties. I remember having a gypsy bday party as a kid there, and my surprise sweet 16 bday party with the Juke box mom rented. My bridal shower and bachelorete parties all took place there. The kitchen at Deer Pass was small but mom always kept it tidy (as best she could with teens and a daycare!) She was sitting at that kitchen table when Ben and I gave her a baby rattle wrapped up to give her the news that she was going to be a first-time grandmom. Deer Pass held a lot of amazing moments in my life.
I remember packing it all up. Ben and I would go over every single day and help mom pack....I hated it. I was the one who researched moving companies and storage units. The day came and the movers loaded the truck. Everything that was to be moved had a pink ribbon tied to it and was put into the Stack n Store unit #3427.
Fast forward 7 years....Deer Pass is gone, mom is gone, and as of tonight unit #3427 is gone. We have emptied out all of the furniture, all of the boxes, all of the packed away memories in that storage unit. Todd has mom's dinning room table that she adored and was so proud of. The china cabinet now holds Ben's and my wedding china and her bed looks amazing in our room. My basement has all of the boxes stacked to the ceiling.....they're on her side of the basement in moms room that I haven't been able to bring myself to touch yet. The boxes of mom's Christmas ornaments are right next to her clothes that are still hanging up.
I can't even begin to describe the mixture of emotions that have been swarming inside my head and heart this past week. The only way I can think to describe it is to say I feel full of empty. Like the storage unit is right now, empty......I feel like thats me. And yet I also am glad to have mom's treasures in my house and with Todd. All of her things are "home" now, they are here but she's not. It leaves me full of empty.
Putting mom's China cabinet in my dinning room and filling it with the dishes, saucers and tea cups she helped me pick out brought me completely to my knees. I could almost hear her telling me "its an antique, so be careful with it". I have sat every day since we brought it home last Wednesday and just stared at it. I wish so badly that she were here to see it in our home. She told me a million times that I "should go get it and use it" but I never felt like digging through the stupid storage unit. I regret that.
The boxes downstairs are going to knock my legs out from under me....I'm terrified to go through them. I know i need to and I know I need to get the basement back into use for the sake of my husband and kids, but I don't want to open up a box that is ultimately going to hurt me and reopen a wound that I don't know how to heal. How do you go through items that belong to someone so important to you and decide what to keep and what to toss?! Every tiny, little, insignificant "thing" that holds any connection to mom is not something that I can easily part with these days....its like letting her go all over again and I don't know that I can handle that.....I really don't!
Everyone says "memories are kept in your head and heart, not in some box or container" and that "material things are just that, "things". But memories are a feeling". And everyone that says that either has never experienced a heartbreaking, life changing loss or they are worlds stronger than I can even imagine being. My memories are all I have left and I never want them to fade....its almost safer to keep them stored in a box. But then where does that leave me? It leaves me again feeling full of empty......



Oh Mama, I could really use your calming voice right now. There are sooooo many thoughts jamming up my brain. All of them screaming. What I wouldn't give to have you hold my hand and tell me "this too shall pass". Even if I didn't always believe you, the way you said it brought me a kind of peace that I haven't been able to find since you left. My heart hurts, mom. I feel like I miss you more now than i did even 3months ago. It scares me. I don't like this reality of you not being here to turn to when I need my mommy! I literally pray every night for you to talk to me so I can hear your voice again. Please, mom......talk to me and tell me what I'm supposed to do......
I love you always to the heavens and back a million times!!
Love,
Me