Dear Mom,
She's here, Maddie is finally here :) And she is perfect! (but you already knew that!) Todd is sooooo proud...he couldn't keep his eyes off of her :) And Nic- talk about a woman on a mission! She was incredible! So calm and relaxed. I was definitely more frantic and chaotic from excitement! :)
It was bittersweet sitting in the waiting room, mom. I just kept picturing the last time we were there....you and I sat giggling with excitement for Brody to come....and then snapping pics of each other with our silly name tags informing people we were the "favorite aunt" and "proud grandma" after he was born! I made my name tag today just like that one, but no one giggled with me or understood the inside joke. I wanted so badly to hear you laugh until you cried.
But I know you were there. Not even death would keep you from the birth of your grandchild! Nate said you were lucky because you got to see Maddie first since babies come from heaven....I totally agree with him :) At one point, Brooke asked me if you picked who's hair color Maddie would have! (by the way, she thinks you should've given Maddie pink hair since it is a "princess color"!) And of course, I filled in with the random tears of joy that you always shed! I swear I felt like you as I was tearing up walking down the hallway to see Nicole before the baby was even born...and I felt horrible for ever teasing you about it.
Ugh, so many emotions today, mom. You were steady on my brain and heart. Things this joyous and significant are supposed to be shared with loved ones. And as much as I firmly believe you were there, it was rough not physically sharing it with you. I'm sure Todd felt the same way. But I did my best to represent you, mama! I gave the hugs, the tears of happiness, the encouraging words, and the snacks and gifts for the kids just like you would've done! I tried to find a pink musical bear for Maddie like the one you gave Brooke but could only find a musical giraffe...still, it was in tradition and you would've approved its cuteness factor!
Did you hear me talking to Maddie? I promised to help her know all about you and what an awesome grandma you were. And everything else I said I know is true....and I know you'll make sure of it.
I can't say it enough....I miss you, mama, and I love you so incredibly much. Thank you for being MY mom and my foundation. And thank you for loving me with "mother love".
I know I don't have to say it, but be with Todd and Nicole and help them in these first few months. They are great parents, but even the greatest parents need some extra tlc in the beginning ;) Give them a sign and let them know you're there. And keep an eye on Miss Maddie O....I have a feeling she's going to give Todd and Nic a run for their money as all little girls do ;)
I'm out of words for tonight mom, so I'm going to hit the sack. I hope to see you in my dreams and we can talk face to face about your newest little grandbaby....and I can hear you giggle until you cry with me.
Forever XOXO,
Your baby girl
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
"This one's marked FRAGILE"....
A box is just a simple item. It's uses are simple: contain, shield and protect, storage. It has 6 sides and comes in a variety of sizes. Pretty boring. Unless that "boring 6 sided container" holds items that once belonged to a loved one who is no longer here. That totally changes the value of a box.
I learned that today. I guess I've known it since the day my mom died, but today really reinforced that knowledge.
My mother-in-law came over today to help me start sorting through boxes of my mom's things. It's a job that I have been avoiding and putting off doing for months (and honestly wouldn't mind putting off doing for years). But its a job that needs to be done in order to give my kids their basement back to play in and my husband back his area to watch his "man tv". I was hoping that I could attack it with a numb mind and zip through it like ripping a band aide off quickly.....make the sting hurt less. (Deep down I knew that was not realistic but I hoped nontheless.) But just in walking down my stairs and looking at my mom's clothes, Christmas decorations and nicknacks stacked all around reminded me that this was much more than just a band aide kind of situation. That burning pit in my stomach and heart reminds me why I haven't attempted this move yet...
My mother-in-law knew that I would have to take this job in small bits. She knows this is not something I can handle taking care of all in one day. She knows I am fragile when it comes to this....so we limited ourselves to just going through mom's clothes. I thought that would be the "safest start" for me since majority of mom's clothes were packed into an old chest and hadn't been worn in years. I figured "eh, they'll be pretty easy to whiz through and give away. Doubt i'll even recognize half of them..." .
I kid you not when I say my body started to shake when I opened the chest. It's as if my subconscious was trying to say, "prepare yourself! This is NOT easy like you think its going to be!".
I didn't want my M-I-L or the kids to notice me like that so I moved around a lot figiting with boxes pretending that I needed to clear a path in the room to be able to move around. I needed to cause a distraction for both them and myself! My M-I-L started pushing boxes and rearranging them with me..."This one's marked FRAGILE so be careful where it goes"
Those words at that very moment perfectly described ME.
"Deep breath. You can do this Nik....you HAVE to do this. Dammit! Why am I here doing this!! Why the f **** is she gone!! We were supposed to beat that God dammed cancer!! This is NOT how her life or my life was supposed to go!!!!!!!! Deep breath Niki, deep breath and no tears......crap, I totally remember all of these clothes....."
I made it through the chest. Not fast, not slow, but I made it through with only a small break. I could remember shopping with mom for these clothes. That blue shirt- she wore it to go see Thomas the Train with Nate.....those pants she wore to Brookelyn's christening...that grey shirt was the one she helped me paint the deck at our old house in. I could see her in them. I could picture her perfectly and it brought on a fear that by giving away those clothes I would be giving away that perfect picture they awake in my memory. That is a fear that cuts deep.
It wasn't until I moved on to her clothes that were hanging, the ones she wore regularly for her last 2 years, that I really felt myself slipping off the ledge. Every shirt, ever running jacket that she loved, every pair of pants that she lived in, they all ripped my fingers from the grip I desperately clinged to from falling into my own bottomless pit of heartbreak. The final punch was her scarf.....it smelled just like her. The morning that would end up being her last here at home, I told her to be sure and keep her scarf around her neck when Todd came to pick her up because it was so cold out. She hated the cold.....she loved her scarf......I loved her. She left it, her small aqua colored scarf. It's a treasure to me now. Who would have ever thought a simple Target purchase would one day hold a priceless value? That scarf is staying with me along with some other important pieces of her wardrobe.
Ben moved the boxes of mom's "GoodWill" clothes up to the back door. I haven't let him take them to the car yet....babysteps. It's not easy letting go of any of my mom's things because it feels like I'm letting go of what I have left of her. I know, I know.....she is in my heart and I never will really "let her go". But for the love of God I can't help feeling like she's being taken from me all over again. And it HURTS!. I don't know where to turn to get comfort from it...I only find distractions that help me avoid.
I imagine I will keep the boxes at the back door for a few days to help "prepare me" until they make it to the GoodWill. It's kind of like my Brookie learning to swim....she used her life vest to get used to the water, then she got brave and took it off, few days later and with some coaching she is swimming under water on her own. I figure I am in the "no life vest" phase right now. I am not brave enough to let go of the ladder and swimm under water yet. My mind is scared of the wave that is waiting to take me down and my heart is terrified of the pain and hurt that still lies ahead. Too bad life doesn't care if "This one is marked FRAGILE".
Mom, I love you. My heart hurts from missing you so much. You are the only one that would truly understand what I am feeling....but you're not hear to talk it over with.... <3
I learned that today. I guess I've known it since the day my mom died, but today really reinforced that knowledge.
My mother-in-law came over today to help me start sorting through boxes of my mom's things. It's a job that I have been avoiding and putting off doing for months (and honestly wouldn't mind putting off doing for years). But its a job that needs to be done in order to give my kids their basement back to play in and my husband back his area to watch his "man tv". I was hoping that I could attack it with a numb mind and zip through it like ripping a band aide off quickly.....make the sting hurt less. (Deep down I knew that was not realistic but I hoped nontheless.) But just in walking down my stairs and looking at my mom's clothes, Christmas decorations and nicknacks stacked all around reminded me that this was much more than just a band aide kind of situation. That burning pit in my stomach and heart reminds me why I haven't attempted this move yet...
My mother-in-law knew that I would have to take this job in small bits. She knows this is not something I can handle taking care of all in one day. She knows I am fragile when it comes to this....so we limited ourselves to just going through mom's clothes. I thought that would be the "safest start" for me since majority of mom's clothes were packed into an old chest and hadn't been worn in years. I figured "eh, they'll be pretty easy to whiz through and give away. Doubt i'll even recognize half of them..." .
I kid you not when I say my body started to shake when I opened the chest. It's as if my subconscious was trying to say, "prepare yourself! This is NOT easy like you think its going to be!".
I didn't want my M-I-L or the kids to notice me like that so I moved around a lot figiting with boxes pretending that I needed to clear a path in the room to be able to move around. I needed to cause a distraction for both them and myself! My M-I-L started pushing boxes and rearranging them with me..."This one's marked FRAGILE so be careful where it goes"
Those words at that very moment perfectly described ME.
"Deep breath. You can do this Nik....you HAVE to do this. Dammit! Why am I here doing this!! Why the f **** is she gone!! We were supposed to beat that God dammed cancer!! This is NOT how her life or my life was supposed to go!!!!!!!! Deep breath Niki, deep breath and no tears......crap, I totally remember all of these clothes....."
I made it through the chest. Not fast, not slow, but I made it through with only a small break. I could remember shopping with mom for these clothes. That blue shirt- she wore it to go see Thomas the Train with Nate.....those pants she wore to Brookelyn's christening...that grey shirt was the one she helped me paint the deck at our old house in. I could see her in them. I could picture her perfectly and it brought on a fear that by giving away those clothes I would be giving away that perfect picture they awake in my memory. That is a fear that cuts deep.
It wasn't until I moved on to her clothes that were hanging, the ones she wore regularly for her last 2 years, that I really felt myself slipping off the ledge. Every shirt, ever running jacket that she loved, every pair of pants that she lived in, they all ripped my fingers from the grip I desperately clinged to from falling into my own bottomless pit of heartbreak. The final punch was her scarf.....it smelled just like her. The morning that would end up being her last here at home, I told her to be sure and keep her scarf around her neck when Todd came to pick her up because it was so cold out. She hated the cold.....she loved her scarf......I loved her. She left it, her small aqua colored scarf. It's a treasure to me now. Who would have ever thought a simple Target purchase would one day hold a priceless value? That scarf is staying with me along with some other important pieces of her wardrobe.
Ben moved the boxes of mom's "GoodWill" clothes up to the back door. I haven't let him take them to the car yet....babysteps. It's not easy letting go of any of my mom's things because it feels like I'm letting go of what I have left of her. I know, I know.....she is in my heart and I never will really "let her go". But for the love of God I can't help feeling like she's being taken from me all over again. And it HURTS!. I don't know where to turn to get comfort from it...I only find distractions that help me avoid.
I imagine I will keep the boxes at the back door for a few days to help "prepare me" until they make it to the GoodWill. It's kind of like my Brookie learning to swim....she used her life vest to get used to the water, then she got brave and took it off, few days later and with some coaching she is swimming under water on her own. I figure I am in the "no life vest" phase right now. I am not brave enough to let go of the ladder and swimm under water yet. My mind is scared of the wave that is waiting to take me down and my heart is terrified of the pain and hurt that still lies ahead. Too bad life doesn't care if "This one is marked FRAGILE".
Mom, I love you. My heart hurts from missing you so much. You are the only one that would truly understand what I am feeling....but you're not hear to talk it over with.... <3
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