Dear Mom,
I wish I could say all of this in person to you today. I want to say "Happy Mothers Day" to you and give you a sappy card and some cheesy predictable mothers day gift that we both end up making jokes about. But I am in the process of learning that what I want and wish for daily isn't something possible anymore. So this is what I'm left with....a blogged letter to you.
I hope that you and Gram had the absolute most perfect mother's day in heaven today. I imagine that is the only way things are done up there...perfectly....which is exactly what you deserve. I can totally see the two of you sitting there talking over your tea, or ice cream, and one of you starts into a giggle that leads both of you laughing to the point of tears. I have this picture in my head of you holding Gram's hand sitting on a sofa just like the one in her living room. And Papa waiting on "his girls" hand and foot (which we both know he deep down loved to do). So, am I close?
No need for me to tell you about how my day went, you saw. The surprise brunch was nice. The kids LOVED the chocolate fountain! And once again, Ben and I attempted a family picture which resulted in half our faces being cut off ;) one day we'll get it right!
But I made it through the day. Not without some tears and some deep breaths, but I got out of bed and enjoyed parts of the day (which isn't something I thought I was going to end up doing when lying awake all last night thinking). I'm proud of myself for doing that, mom. Sounds ridiculous to say that, doesn't it? Being proud of yourself for getting out of bed and enjoying the day....if I was someone who never experienced the loss of a mother and best friend I would say it sound pathetic. But I am experiencing that loss. So I do feel a sense of accomplishment in finding enjoyment in any part of my day. Of course, Ben, Nate and Brooke are good reasons to find enjoyment :) its just that Mothers day feels so different to me now. It feels like "half", if that even makes any sense. It just hurts knowing that my first ever reason for celebrating a mother's day isn't here anymore to celebrate with. I don't know if that'll ever get better for me.
I have to ask you....the hawk over the playground today- that was you, right? I told Ben to look up and we both just knew. And it was you yesterday checking in on me during the yard sale wasn't it...you always pick the perfect time to let me know you're still around. Its something I look for every single day, mom...so keep it coming!
I love you mom. Above all other crazy, sad, painful, confusing feelings I have, THAT is the strongest feeling that comes though....I hope you always knew and will forever know that.
Happy Mother's Day my sweet angel mother. Take care of your beautiful grandbaby for me and tell him/her only the happiest of stories about me until I get there someday to be with you guys again. Give Gram a big hug for me and tell her I said thank you for raising you to be the best mom that I could have ever been blessed with.
XOXO to the moon and back a million times!
Love,
Nickerooney
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Thanks alot Hallmark
I ran in to Walgreens this morning. Doesn't sound like it should have been any kind of traumatic or emotional experience, right? I went in for masking tape....not exactly the kind of purchase that would lead you to tears! But I walked past the aisle of Mother's Day cards. Some cute little funny ones caught my eye and I stopped to look at them thinking "oh I should get one for Kristy! And send one to Gina...and I need one for my mother-in-law". I really wish I would have walked right past that stupid aisle. I picked up a few and read them and immediately teared up and started crying....RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF WALGREENS for Christ's sake! I caught myself and pulled it somewhat together just in time before my father-in-law snuck up behind me. He stopped in to get his mom a card. I don't think he noticed my tears because I stayed buried in the cards and made little eye contact when talking. Had he noticed, I know he would have hugged me and that would've totally led me to fall apart and I did NOT want that to happen in aisle 4 of a drug store. Hallmark set my day up on a bad note. Hallmark is now ion my sh*t list! Its a beautiful day outside and I am a f-ing wreck because I read a stupid bedazzled piece of paper thanking someone for loving them unconditionally and sharing in every major moment of their life. I was crying because the god dammed card companies refined me that the person who helped form me and my beliefs, the person that shared in all of MY special times, the person who loved me before I was even born was gone! Mother's Day is not the same for me now....it just isn't. And I feel like I have been just cycling around in this "it's all painfully different" kind of way now. Especially in the months of April and now May.
April 23, 2011....the first time I wasn't able to sing "Happy Birthday" to my mom and watch her smirk at me and tell me my si singing "doesn't improve with age but the delivery makes up for it". I was holding my breath for this day because I didn't know how it was going to effect me. I knew that I would need to be around family to keep me together, and thankfully I was. The first half of the day I just laid in bed and melted into my pillow with random bursts of tears...."she's gone, really gone. Not here to let us fuss over for the day. No birthday cake for her to cut. No presents for her to open and tell us we shouldn't have but glad we did. I don't get to hug my mother today and tell her I love her to the moon and back 10million times...its not fair!" All I wanted to do was hide in bed and let this day pass- mom's birthday. Her birthday is shadowed by her death day. And the pain is still all too fresh.
Todd and my nephews all came over so that we could be together to "celebrate" moms birthday....sounds like a funny way to describe it considering the dark cloud of grief that invades all happy moments for us. Ben picked up mom's favorite meal for us to have just as we would have had she been here to enjoy it. She LOVED the chicken masala from Bontempo Brothers. Todd and Ben got out and played some lax with the kids. I stayed on the deck trying to get pics and for a second I felt like mom....that's where she would've been, on the deck, watching, smiling, taking pictures. I don't want to be the "matriarch" of the family, that's HER title and I'm not ready to take it on and yet I know she would be disappointed if I didn't step up. Mom believed that all families need at least 1 person to take the reigns and make sure everyone still gets together, plans family dinners, keep lines of communication flowing and just keep the family interlaced with each other. She tried to do that as much as possible, and now I guess its my turn.
We sent balloons up with messages to mom - 8 pink and purple balloons with little blue cards tied to them. It was windy and I was afraid the balloons were going to get stuck in one of the hundreds of trees that surround our house, but the minute we all started the count down the wind stopped. Not a trace of wind blew until after the balloons where well over the trees....tell me that wasn't a total work of my mom!
The best part was my youngest nephew, Brody, saying "i don't see her. How's grandma getting the balloons if I can't see her", to which my brother responded, "close your eyes, Bubba, you can see her there." And that's exactly what Bubba did.....and he had the best smile ever on his face!
The next day was Easter. Mom usually spent Easter with Todd. But she was always there that evening to tell me about all of the delicious food she stuffed herself with and how the baskets were everywhere and how the flowers in Todd and Nicole's front garden were absolutely gorgeous. I came home from Easter with my in-laws craving the predictability of that conversation with my beautiful sweet mama.
I miss you mom. I miss you and everything that we shared. You were my first best friend and my truest bff. I hope you got our balloons and read our messages. I meant every word. Sunday is going to be hard on me...I wish you were her to tell me what I should do to get through it. I am happy that you get to share a mothers day again with Gram, but am so selfish in wishing I had you here for myself to celebrate with. I love you mama. And no Hallmark card could describe the gratitude and love I have towards you and for you....Hallmark ain't got nothing on us, kid ;)
April 23, 2011....the first time I wasn't able to sing "Happy Birthday" to my mom and watch her smirk at me and tell me my si singing "doesn't improve with age but the delivery makes up for it". I was holding my breath for this day because I didn't know how it was going to effect me. I knew that I would need to be around family to keep me together, and thankfully I was. The first half of the day I just laid in bed and melted into my pillow with random bursts of tears...."she's gone, really gone. Not here to let us fuss over for the day. No birthday cake for her to cut. No presents for her to open and tell us we shouldn't have but glad we did. I don't get to hug my mother today and tell her I love her to the moon and back 10million times...its not fair!" All I wanted to do was hide in bed and let this day pass- mom's birthday. Her birthday is shadowed by her death day. And the pain is still all too fresh.
Todd and my nephews all came over so that we could be together to "celebrate" moms birthday....sounds like a funny way to describe it considering the dark cloud of grief that invades all happy moments for us. Ben picked up mom's favorite meal for us to have just as we would have had she been here to enjoy it. She LOVED the chicken masala from Bontempo Brothers. Todd and Ben got out and played some lax with the kids. I stayed on the deck trying to get pics and for a second I felt like mom....that's where she would've been, on the deck, watching, smiling, taking pictures. I don't want to be the "matriarch" of the family, that's HER title and I'm not ready to take it on and yet I know she would be disappointed if I didn't step up. Mom believed that all families need at least 1 person to take the reigns and make sure everyone still gets together, plans family dinners, keep lines of communication flowing and just keep the family interlaced with each other. She tried to do that as much as possible, and now I guess its my turn.
We sent balloons up with messages to mom - 8 pink and purple balloons with little blue cards tied to them. It was windy and I was afraid the balloons were going to get stuck in one of the hundreds of trees that surround our house, but the minute we all started the count down the wind stopped. Not a trace of wind blew until after the balloons where well over the trees....tell me that wasn't a total work of my mom!
The best part was my youngest nephew, Brody, saying "i don't see her. How's grandma getting the balloons if I can't see her", to which my brother responded, "close your eyes, Bubba, you can see her there." And that's exactly what Bubba did.....and he had the best smile ever on his face!
The next day was Easter. Mom usually spent Easter with Todd. But she was always there that evening to tell me about all of the delicious food she stuffed herself with and how the baskets were everywhere and how the flowers in Todd and Nicole's front garden were absolutely gorgeous. I came home from Easter with my in-laws craving the predictability of that conversation with my beautiful sweet mama.
I miss you mom. I miss you and everything that we shared. You were my first best friend and my truest bff. I hope you got our balloons and read our messages. I meant every word. Sunday is going to be hard on me...I wish you were her to tell me what I should do to get through it. I am happy that you get to share a mothers day again with Gram, but am so selfish in wishing I had you here for myself to celebrate with. I love you mama. And no Hallmark card could describe the gratitude and love I have towards you and for you....Hallmark ain't got nothing on us, kid ;)
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