I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that every mother out there experiences they're fair share of "Proud Mama Moments". I had one today :)
Nate started in Cub Scouts this year. He loves it! And he'll tell you he loves it for many different reasons. My personal favorite reason he gives is because he knows that it is something that his Great Grandfather loved doing and that being in scouts is something that "makes Grandma proud". Today was his Blue and Gold Banquet where the different dens in the pack "graduate" on to the next step in scouting. Nate's den graduated from Tiger status to Wolf status. He thinks that is the coolest thing- to be a Wolf! I loved seeing him and his best little buds up on the stage, dressed in their class A uniforms, receiving their new badges and pins, and shaking the hands of their scout leaders and Cub Master like the adorable little gentlemen that they are! But that wasn't even my proudest moment of the day.
You see, Nate won a little contest in which his artwork was chosen out of all of the scouts in the pack to be the cover of the 2011 Blue and Gold Banquet Program. (We found this out when we first arrived today) It's not the fact that he won that gave me pride, it was the fact that HE was so proud of himself! Seeing his face display both joy and pride is what made my heart feel like it could burst. Walking in to the banquet, some of the adults and the other scouts congratulated him and said "great job, Nate!" and he thanked them with a big ol' smile on his face. And when one of the little boys said, "I wish mine would've been in the program", Nate turned and said "It's OK because we all did really good pictures. You may win next year and make the cover on the next one!" That's my boy! He is always so good to try and lift up a peer that may be having a bummed out moment and point out the positive spin on things. ( I can't even begin to tell you how many times he has done this for me in the past year...I love that about him!)
Nate came to me halfway through the ceremony holding his program with a calm and heavy look in his eye and quietly said, "Hey Mom, Grandma would've really liked to see this. I wish she were here for me to show her that my picture is on the cover." Good Lord that choked me up!! All I could muster up to say was "I know, buddy. Me too."
Nate and my mom had the strongest bond and connection that is possible between a grandmother and her grandchild. And I know that he thinks about her all of the time and misses her more than anything. He'll bring her up somehow in everything that he does and at the most random times. I hate that his little heart feels such a tremendous loss at such a young age, but am so incredibly grateful that he experienced such a wonderful unconditional love that a lot of children never get to share with a grandparent.
My mom passed before she got a chance to see Nate really involved in Cub Scouts. She missed his first Pinewood Derby Race which was something that they talked alot about before he even signed up for cub scouts. And Nate is completely right in that Grandma would be so proud of him and would have loved to see him active in all of this. She used to tell Nate stories of her dad (Nate's Great-Grandfather) being in scouts all the way up to Eagle scout and all of the fun he had camping and building friendships and racing pinewood derby cars. Really, I credit my mom with Nate's involvement in scouts. She's the one who peaked his interest in cub scouts at all. And it breaks my heart (even more that it already feels broken) that she is not here to cheer Nate on and hug him when he's accomplished something great and share in his moment. Yes, I will do all of that, but it's not the same for him....and I hate that he doesn't have that. I hate that mom is not physically here for him having her heart fill with the pride and joy that it always did when it came to her grandkids!
Today, like many others since my mom's death, has been bitter sweet. I had feelings of happiness, pride, love and joy....but for each of those wonderful feelings I also felt that sting of sadness, loss and anger. And the anger is not at my mom for not being here. Not at all. My anger is totally on the cancer that took my beautiful mother and robbed her of time with her family and robbed my innocent son of his best friend. I pray for the day that I can feel the "good feeling" again purely and without the shadow of sadness hanging over....I wonder if that day will ever exist for me?
The love that I have as a mother is the greatest gift that God has ever blessed me with. I don't take being a parent lightly- I want to soak up every sweet (and sometimes not so sweet) moment that comes with raising my children. And if I'm going to be honest, I have to admit that having such a wonderful mother myself who never once failed to show her love for me is what has made me want to be a true "mother" to my babies. I just get scared that I won't be at my best with Nate and Brooke now that my role model is gone....Thank God my kids are forgiving and can always lead me back on to the right track simply with a hug and a smile :)
Dear Mom,
Did you see Nate today? His smile was bright enough that I am sure you must have seen it from Heaven!! You would've been so proud of him today- he's a Wolf now. And the art skills that you always encouraged in him led his picture to be on the cover of their banquet program!!! How cool is that?!
He misses you alot, mom. We all do. He thanked Ben and I for signing him up for scouts last night on the way home from the mall. He said he has fun with it and can't wait to go camping for the first time in May...then he said he really likes it most because he knows it's something that makes you proud. He's always thinking of you and what you would say or feel about something he's doing. He wants to make you proud- and I know you are!
Brookie told me the other day that it was raining because you were in Heaven playing with the sprinkler just like you did here with her and Nate. I am choosing to follow her in that thought. She hugged herself again this morning coming out of church....I now know that when she does that she is hugging you. I know you are with them mom, but if you could, visit them in a dream....give them a hug that they can feel back again. They miss your hugs a LOT.
I'm trying to stay strong, mom, I really am. When the pain gets stronger than I can handle, I run your voice over and over in my head, "This too shall pass". I miss you so much and still look to talk to you and share in my daily news....it hurts when I remember that I can't run down the steps to talk to you or pick up a phone and call and hear your voice. But I'm doing like I know you would want me to do mom...I'm holding on to Benny, I'm looking to Nate and Brooke and clinging to every minute with them and my friends. I'll be ok- I had one hell of a role model for 31years and I will be as brave and strong through my hard days as you were!
I love you so much , Mama! I miss you more than you will ever know! I hope to see you in my dream tonight...send me a message how every you want, just promise to visit.
love you always!
nik
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Now where?
I find myself asking the same question in my head a lot lately...."Well Nik, now where?" It seems like I live at both ends of the "busyness scale" spectrum; I'm either always running trying to get the errands done, meals cooked, homework finished, sports practices, etc, OR I am sitting with not a single thing to do and starring at the four walls that hold this roof up over my head. So the repeated question that runs through my head can be thought as rhetorical or can be answered in a literal sense.
Friday morning was a mix of both.I got Nate off to school and even managed to dry my hair and slap some make-up on before running out the door with Brooke to get her school day started. I had the plan of my day set in my head as well as a piece of paper and wanted to get a jump on it: 1. Close out Mom's bank account, 2. Take mom's death certificate up to Social Security to have on file (because apparently the cremation place never notified the state of her death or something along those lines), and 3. Drop off the kids' old toys to the Good Will. All of that and get back to pick Brookie up by 1pm from school.....no biggie, I've done way more in shorter periods of time.
Kissed my beautiful blue eyed baby, walked out of the school doors, got in my car, started it up and put it in drive. Instead of heading towards Bel Air to the bank like my plan was, my brain must have been set on auto pilot and I started heading to Stella Maris Hospice. (My mom was there for the last month of her life and I went every single day but 1 because of an ice storm. She has been gone for 6weeks. I haven't had to drive to SM for 6 WEEKS!! WHY DID I START BACK THAT WAY THIS MORNING!!) I was just about halfway there when I realized what I was doing. "Ugh, you dumb ass! What are you doing to yourself?!?! Get your sh*t together, you don't have a lot of time to waste like this!" is all I could think as I was turning around.. I felt my heart sink, again, when I realized, again, that I wasn't needed at SM anymore. But I kept my cool and just focused on getting my things done...No putzing around on days that I have a list!!
Pulled up to the bank- no problem. Turned off the car, got out, walked inside- no problem. Walked up to the teller- no problem. Opened my mouth to tell him I was there to shut down my mother's account- PROBLEM. The minute I started to speak I started to choke up without any warning that my mind was going to go there! Honestly, the only thing that kept me from totally losing it was the look on the teller's face- priceless! I mean, really though, what's so unusual about having a customer come in and start crying as they talk to you? What part of that through him off?!? ;)
After that embarrassment (and being shuffled over to the proper teller to show the death certificate to and have the account closed) I went back to my car to check off #1 on my "to do list" for the day. I drove about 20 parking spots down from where I was in the shopping center before I had to pull over because that damned question in my head set me off crying. "Now where, Niki?" I knew where. I had it on my list right in front of me. #2 -Take mom's death certificate up to Social Security ......this wasn't a surprise to me, I KNEW as of last night that this is what I was going to do today. "SO WHY AM I SITTING HERE CRYING IN MY CAR OVER IT?!?!?!?!?!?!?"
I called Ben. God love that man, he is a saint I swear. But he's never been one that is good at "talking you down from the ledge" if you know what I mean. He is the greatest man walking this earth, in my eyes. And he can do alot of things and solve alot of problems with knowledge that just seems to come to him naturally. Me tearing up or crying at all is not natural to him. And I get it. I understand that it's uncomfortable and no one knows what to say or what to do when confronted with such emotions. He just cracks me up because in the midst of "listening to me" I can hear his brain racing thinking "what do I say, what do I say, what SHOULD I say?"....and in that, I end up most of the time with silence on the other end of the phone. I don't blame him. Who the hell wants to listen to someone cry or whine about something that can't be changed? He tried his best and gave me an old "I remember your mom flying to the bank on Friday's to deposit her checks when she did daycare".....his effort was there, and I love him for that.
No SSA visit for this chick on Friday! Last thing I needed to deal with was your typical, oh-so-cheery, "how may I help you today" attitude of the employees there. So #2 on my list has been put of untill sometime next week. Good news is that I did unloada bunch of junk at the Good Will, literally! My trunk was purged of the 3 bags of old toys and what not from that I've been carting around for the past few days. (Is it just me or does anyone else get a sense of relief when you bag up all of the crap in your house and dispose of it? Lucky me has a house that still holds many more chances for me to feel the relief--- crap is taking over my closets!!)
Obviously, my morning to-do list was cut short and so I had an abundance of time to waste before stealing my baby girl back from preschool. "Well Nik, now where?" For a while, I just drove aimlessly around Bel Air listening to the radio and hoping that maybe mom would send me a sign and I'd hear a song that was ours or was special to us. I ended up sitting at the duck pond she loved. It was her go to place with Nate and Brooke. I think I've spent more time there in the past month then I had the past year....really drives home the idea of having a 'happy place". 
There were a couple of kids there with what I would guess were their moms. Bubbles were being popped, ducks were being fed, and swings were squeaking from being used over and over again. I just stayed in my car and watched. There was one goose in the water that was making all kids of noise. He was chasing away any of the other geese or ducks that would get too close to him. I had to laugh because it reminded me of Nate as a toddler telling me of "the mean goose at the duck pond" that he saw with Grandma, and his imitating the honking sound the goose made. (That kid can really make you laugh hard when he wants to- he's always had the best sense of humor.) "Ok, ma, is that your way of sending me a sign? A mean goose??" Yeah, I know I sound nuts waiting for a sign from the great beyond, but listen people, she and I had a pact and I'm holding her little butt to it! My watch said 12:47pm...."Well Nik, at least this time you know where".
So I got my Brookie from school and no sooner then her buckling her seat belt she said to me , "No where do we go, mama?" HA! Really?! Did she seriously just ask that?! No denying that little girl as mine! (And I thank God for that!)
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Forgive me... I'm a virgin blogger!
So here it goes....my first ever blog. I'm hoping this all does good for me. I feel like my life has been changed so drastically in the past few years (last 3 months especially) and my mind just feels so damn jumbled. I need to sort through the good and bad both internally and in my outside world....LISTS- that's how my mom dealt with things so I'm going to try something along those lines with this blog! I'm literally going to just start typing and see where it goes....I apologize ahead of time for jumping around alot. Like I said, my mind is jumbled and I'm most likely going to type in such a fashion that shows that jumbledness. And I apologize if I abruptly come to an end in my blog and don't pick up with it in a timely manor. I have a feeling that I'll be confronting emotions in typing this that may require me to get up and walk away from my computer for a while. I hope that I don't end up sounding like some always neagtive, gloomy, eternally sad Debbie Downer in this blog. I promise you, I am usually the happy girl in the room and try to find the good in everything (my mama taught me that!) However, I do have my days, and with what's happened recently, those days occur a little more frequently and I'm just trying to work through them. Having said that, here we go....
Let me preface this by saying my mom was my very first best friend and has remained that my entire life. She and my husband have been the only 2 people in my life that I have ever felt completely comfortable being 100% myself with. Hands down, my life has been better because of having both of them in it.
If you know me, then you know that my life in the past 4years has been mainly circulating around caring for my mother (diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer in Oct '07) and my 2 children (Nate and Brooke). I didn't anticipate myself living this life at the age of 31....I mean, I saw kids and knew I'd have them and wanted more than anything to be a mother. But I always pictured myself having the perfect balance between career and kids. I tried the career- worked in the medical field- and decided to take my "break from it" when I first became pregnant with my "Nater-Tot". I fell in love with that perfect little baby boy and knew that my plans/priorities were forever altered by his mere existence. And I was good with that. Two and a half years and 1 heartbreaking/mind-f-ing miscarriage later, my life was blessed yet again with my beautiful "Boogielyn". I was a mother and a wife and had my family just as I felt I was supposed to. Work could wait as long as my incredible husband, Ben, could handle being the sole money-maker. And he was good with that.
Ben and I have always felt that if you're blessed with kids, and your lifestyle allows for it, those kids should be able to bond and be with at least one of their parents at least until the age of 2. Those first 2 years in a child's life are so amazing and wondrous- both for the child AND the parent. And I say that as a mom, and also as someone who witnessed children in a daycare first hand. My mom ran her own daycare out of our house for 13-14years ...she started it my freshman year at Mercy High School. I don't think day care is bad, or parents that put their newborns/babies/children in daycare are bad....in fact, I feel like if you can find that one diamond of a center and angel of a provider, I think a daycare can benefit your child. I would have gladly left my children to be taken care of by my mother at the age of 6weeks....she was a "mother teacher" to every single child that she watched. She made sure that those fresh young minds learned and absorbed educational material and emotional balance. I've recently touched base with some of her daycare parents and they have praised my mom's gentle hands and heart with the progression of their well-rounded, smart, happy , now teenagers. "You're mother was amazing with with my kids and they STILL to this day talk about her and the fun memories she created with them!"
My mom took her very last breath on this earth the morning of February 2 , 2011 at 9:53am. I watched it. I heard it. I felt it. And I still can't believe it. She is gone. That gentle hand, that loving heart, those forgiving eyes....gone.
My mom moved in with Ben, Nate and myself when Nate was just about 1.5. Her original plan was to take care of her mother for a while and then eventually get a condo in Bel Air. So she sold the house that I was born and raised in. The house that I made some fantastic memories as a kid and teen in!! It was the house where I had many many sleepovers with my girlfriends and stayed up all night talking, where I had my first kiss, where a million times I would jump on a pillow and slide down the steps with my brother until we crashed into the wall at the bottom. It was the house that held my surprise bridal shower, and where I went to "recover" after having my gall bladder out only 2 months after becoming a first time mom. It was my home for 20+ years. But it was ok to see it go because I knew it was becoming a lonely burden (emotionally and financialy) for my mom to bare on her own. Besides, I had married and made a new home for my new family in Bel Air...lives were changing and it was all good.
I've learned that life gets tricky when you get too cocky. Once you think you have it figured out, life decides to send you a message that clearly says "We're gonna shake things up a bit since you seem to comfortable!"
Things didn't work out for my mom the way it should have for her living and 100% caring for my grandmother. That's an entirely different story that really i need not go into...all I have to say about that is that people that jump to conclusions without ever knowing all of the facts tend to leave scars on hearts that only try to love..... my mom was that scarred heart in the end.
Anyway, mom moved in with us while she waited, and waited and waited and waited, for the perfect condo to become available in Bel Air for her to move into. It was fine. She was fun to be with- we shopped, played with Nate, had a built in babysitter....and anyone with kids can testify to how glorious a good babysitter can be!! It was temporary and seemed to be the plan that would benefit everyone. When a condo did finally become available, mom put a bid in on it but was out bid with cash. She had a chance to counter offer but for whatever reason (and everyone will have their assumptions as to why) she didn't feel she wanted to offer any more money. So she stayed with us and eventually moved with us again into our current home in Jarrettsville.
During that time, Ben and I suffered a heartbreaking miscarriage. Our second child was due to be born on February 2 (date sound familiar?) 2006. We were over the moon with excitement telling everyone our joyous news. I still remember the day I wrote on one of Nate's onsies: on the front it read "Just Call Me..." and on the back it said "BIG BROTHER". That was my way of telling Ben that he was going to be a daddy again. I vividly can remember the look on his face when he came home from work, went in to Nate's room to get Nate from his nap (which he would do pretty much do routinely) and after starring at his front for a few minutes, turned Nate around and then got the biggest grin on his face and started to laugh his "happy nervous" little chuckle. Nate just stood completley oblivious as to why we were laughing with his chubby little cheeks and toothy little grin squealing and jumping in his crib. (Ahh, the sweet innocence of that little babe! Now that he's a 7yr old that aparently knows everything, I look back to such days to remember that his horns that pop out every now and then were not present at birth! ;-) ). That moment in my life will forever be one of my most perfect moments that I will never ever forget. Sadly, it wasn't long after that I went for my 12week sonogram only to learn that that sweet, already loved, joyous little gift that I was carrying "stopped it's progression at 11weeks"....my world changed and I was (and sometimes still am)consumed with guilt that I had somehow done something wrong that caused my child not to make it into this world. That is a horrible feeling. No answers as to why it happened. My health was supposedly fine. I did everything my OBGYN told me to do, I was taking my vitamins. The drs couldn't give me any solid reason as to why this happened....so my mind went to the thought that i must have done something wrong morally to deserve such a punishment. I know what everyone told me: "Things all happen for a reason", "It's probably better it happened now, you wouldn't want a baby with birth defects", "You did nothing wrong, it is what it is and there's nothing you can do but focus on the child you already have"..... and I know everyone meant well in saying it, but all of it means crap to the mother that is going through the loss. My mom repeatedly told me something that at the time I thought was so cold. She told me "Niki, all of this too shall pass". It wasn't until years later that she and I talked about what she meant and I understood what she was trying to tell me. The only thing worse than losing a child is to have your child suffer so deeply and so raw right in front of you and you can't do a damned thing about it...."This too shall pass" was her way of trying to teach me that life will always have it's ups and downs. The ups will seem to fly by fast and last for only minutes in comparison to the downs that will seem to drag on for an eternity....mom wanted me to remember that this down will pass and my up will be here before I know it. (Don't know if my explanation is as good as my mom's was....but hopefully you get the point!)
As usual, mother knows best, and my up came almost 2 months after that lowest low. I was pregnant with my daughter! And better yet, my pregnancy was going beautifully! Ben and I purchased our house in Jarrettsville complete with the swing set in the backyard ready to be played on by our perfect little munchkins. We moved in on my father-in-laws birthday November18th (and he was a saint for helping us move on his birthday!!) and my mom and I went straight to work deciding on how to design the kids' bedrooms. She still hadn't found her condo yet so she moved with us and continued to "couch it" in what was going to be the kid's playroom. (Mom "LOVED" our This Ends Up couch because she said it was better for her back than any bed...personally I think it was all just BS she told us because she never wanted us to have to "go out of our way" to put up a bed for her even though we offered to millions of times. That's just my personal opinion.)
Brookelyn was born the end of May in 2006. I couldn't have been more happy to have my mom living with us when I came home from the hospital. Not only was she able to keep Nate and make him feel so special during the time Ben & I were actually in the hospital, but she was my second set of hands in handling a non_sleeping newborn and curious little 2.5yr old. Ben even told me on occasion that he was glad to have her here to keep an eye on things while we attempted a nap every once in a while. Life was good...literally.
When Brooke was around 6 moths old, and after an incredibly scary 10day stay in the hospital for sepsis with a fever of 106, she was diagnosed with VasicoUreteralReflux (VUR). Basically, the check valve between her ureter and her bladder was nonexistent and her urine would free flow back up into her kidney and cause infections and kidney damage. After loads of tests, labs,x-rays and ultrasounds the doctors were able to find the exact antibiotic that would treat my poor suffering little baby and get her back to her sweet bobble-headed self. She was required to stay on a daily antibiotic everyday until her VUR either corrected itself or she had surgery. 3 surgeries later, at the age of 4, Brooke was finally able to discontinue that antibiotic
September 29, 2007. The day mom's life changed. The day my life changed. The day my entire family's life changed. Mom came into my and Ben's bedroom, which she absolutely never did, and woke me up at 7am asking me to take her to the hospital. My mom never saw doctors for anything and never wanted to take medicines for anything other than Advil. So for her to ask to go to the hospital meant that something was severely wrong with her. Apparently, she had been up the entire night before in excruciating pain. My mom was a very private woman, and out of respect for her I will not go into detail about what was causing her pain...all you need to know was that it scared her, hurt her and had her thinking she was dying. But even in those thoughts, she didn't want to "make a fuss at night while everyone was sleeping" to have me take her to the hospital. I love her for always putting others first, but also despise her for never thinking she was important enough to take care of herself before others.
The doctors were able to tell mom that they believed her "issue" that was casuing her pain was most likely the result of diverticulitis, but they wouldn't be completly sure until further testing. Mom was kept in the hospital on antibiotics and pain meds and went for surgery on my birthday October 7 for a colostomy. The drs wanted to give mom's bowel and bladder time to heal before they reversed the colostomy and "fixed the problem". In the mean time, mom felt 100% better and coped with having a colostomy rather well. For her, she focused on the fact that it was all going to be reversed and this was a minor hiccup that she had to temporarily deal with.
A week or so later, I took mom to have a colonoscopy done to see just how bad her diverticulitis was. I used to work for the GI dr that did her colonoscopy so I felt very comfortably with his knowledge and expertise. But when he came out and spoke to me in the recovery holding room, I prayed that he was wrong. "Niki, I'm not going to lie to you. I believe your mother has colon cancer. I took a few specimens and am sending them off to be tested for certain, but I know what cancer looks like. There is a large tumor in your mother that I believe may also be in her bladder now. I am so sorry and I really hope that I am wrong." I never said any of this to my mom. Never told her about that conversation when she came to. On the ride home and the next day, all I told her was "Dr Park will call us with the definitive results once he gets the biopsy report back. Good or bad, we are going to get through this together mom, I promise." Those last 11 words will forever haunt me.
-----------and here is where I am going to stop for now....I feel some tears coming on, so I'm going to go up, sneak into my munchkins' rooms and smooch them and then curl up next to Ben and find my comfort once again.
Let me preface this by saying my mom was my very first best friend and has remained that my entire life. She and my husband have been the only 2 people in my life that I have ever felt completely comfortable being 100% myself with. Hands down, my life has been better because of having both of them in it.
If you know me, then you know that my life in the past 4years has been mainly circulating around caring for my mother (diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer in Oct '07) and my 2 children (Nate and Brooke). I didn't anticipate myself living this life at the age of 31....I mean, I saw kids and knew I'd have them and wanted more than anything to be a mother. But I always pictured myself having the perfect balance between career and kids. I tried the career- worked in the medical field- and decided to take my "break from it" when I first became pregnant with my "Nater-Tot". I fell in love with that perfect little baby boy and knew that my plans/priorities were forever altered by his mere existence. And I was good with that. Two and a half years and 1 heartbreaking/mind-f-ing miscarriage later, my life was blessed yet again with my beautiful "Boogielyn". I was a mother and a wife and had my family just as I felt I was supposed to. Work could wait as long as my incredible husband, Ben, could handle being the sole money-maker. And he was good with that.
Ben and I have always felt that if you're blessed with kids, and your lifestyle allows for it, those kids should be able to bond and be with at least one of their parents at least until the age of 2. Those first 2 years in a child's life are so amazing and wondrous- both for the child AND the parent. And I say that as a mom, and also as someone who witnessed children in a daycare first hand. My mom ran her own daycare out of our house for 13-14years ...she started it my freshman year at Mercy High School. I don't think day care is bad, or parents that put their newborns/babies/children in daycare are bad....in fact, I feel like if you can find that one diamond of a center and angel of a provider, I think a daycare can benefit your child. I would have gladly left my children to be taken care of by my mother at the age of 6weeks....she was a "mother teacher" to every single child that she watched. She made sure that those fresh young minds learned and absorbed educational material and emotional balance. I've recently touched base with some of her daycare parents and they have praised my mom's gentle hands and heart with the progression of their well-rounded, smart, happy , now teenagers. "You're mother was amazing with with my kids and they STILL to this day talk about her and the fun memories she created with them!"
My mom took her very last breath on this earth the morning of February 2 , 2011 at 9:53am. I watched it. I heard it. I felt it. And I still can't believe it. She is gone. That gentle hand, that loving heart, those forgiving eyes....gone.
My mom moved in with Ben, Nate and myself when Nate was just about 1.5. Her original plan was to take care of her mother for a while and then eventually get a condo in Bel Air. So she sold the house that I was born and raised in. The house that I made some fantastic memories as a kid and teen in!! It was the house where I had many many sleepovers with my girlfriends and stayed up all night talking, where I had my first kiss, where a million times I would jump on a pillow and slide down the steps with my brother until we crashed into the wall at the bottom. It was the house that held my surprise bridal shower, and where I went to "recover" after having my gall bladder out only 2 months after becoming a first time mom. It was my home for 20+ years. But it was ok to see it go because I knew it was becoming a lonely burden (emotionally and financialy) for my mom to bare on her own. Besides, I had married and made a new home for my new family in Bel Air...lives were changing and it was all good.
I've learned that life gets tricky when you get too cocky. Once you think you have it figured out, life decides to send you a message that clearly says "We're gonna shake things up a bit since you seem to comfortable!"
Things didn't work out for my mom the way it should have for her living and 100% caring for my grandmother. That's an entirely different story that really i need not go into...all I have to say about that is that people that jump to conclusions without ever knowing all of the facts tend to leave scars on hearts that only try to love..... my mom was that scarred heart in the end.
Anyway, mom moved in with us while she waited, and waited and waited and waited, for the perfect condo to become available in Bel Air for her to move into. It was fine. She was fun to be with- we shopped, played with Nate, had a built in babysitter....and anyone with kids can testify to how glorious a good babysitter can be!! It was temporary and seemed to be the plan that would benefit everyone. When a condo did finally become available, mom put a bid in on it but was out bid with cash. She had a chance to counter offer but for whatever reason (and everyone will have their assumptions as to why) she didn't feel she wanted to offer any more money. So she stayed with us and eventually moved with us again into our current home in Jarrettsville.
During that time, Ben and I suffered a heartbreaking miscarriage. Our second child was due to be born on February 2 (date sound familiar?) 2006. We were over the moon with excitement telling everyone our joyous news. I still remember the day I wrote on one of Nate's onsies: on the front it read "Just Call Me..." and on the back it said "BIG BROTHER". That was my way of telling Ben that he was going to be a daddy again. I vividly can remember the look on his face when he came home from work, went in to Nate's room to get Nate from his nap (which he would do pretty much do routinely) and after starring at his front for a few minutes, turned Nate around and then got the biggest grin on his face and started to laugh his "happy nervous" little chuckle. Nate just stood completley oblivious as to why we were laughing with his chubby little cheeks and toothy little grin squealing and jumping in his crib. (Ahh, the sweet innocence of that little babe! Now that he's a 7yr old that aparently knows everything, I look back to such days to remember that his horns that pop out every now and then were not present at birth! ;-) ). That moment in my life will forever be one of my most perfect moments that I will never ever forget. Sadly, it wasn't long after that I went for my 12week sonogram only to learn that that sweet, already loved, joyous little gift that I was carrying "stopped it's progression at 11weeks"....my world changed and I was (and sometimes still am)consumed with guilt that I had somehow done something wrong that caused my child not to make it into this world. That is a horrible feeling. No answers as to why it happened. My health was supposedly fine. I did everything my OBGYN told me to do, I was taking my vitamins. The drs couldn't give me any solid reason as to why this happened....so my mind went to the thought that i must have done something wrong morally to deserve such a punishment. I know what everyone told me: "Things all happen for a reason", "It's probably better it happened now, you wouldn't want a baby with birth defects", "You did nothing wrong, it is what it is and there's nothing you can do but focus on the child you already have"..... and I know everyone meant well in saying it, but all of it means crap to the mother that is going through the loss. My mom repeatedly told me something that at the time I thought was so cold. She told me "Niki, all of this too shall pass". It wasn't until years later that she and I talked about what she meant and I understood what she was trying to tell me. The only thing worse than losing a child is to have your child suffer so deeply and so raw right in front of you and you can't do a damned thing about it...."This too shall pass" was her way of trying to teach me that life will always have it's ups and downs. The ups will seem to fly by fast and last for only minutes in comparison to the downs that will seem to drag on for an eternity....mom wanted me to remember that this down will pass and my up will be here before I know it. (Don't know if my explanation is as good as my mom's was....but hopefully you get the point!)
As usual, mother knows best, and my up came almost 2 months after that lowest low. I was pregnant with my daughter! And better yet, my pregnancy was going beautifully! Ben and I purchased our house in Jarrettsville complete with the swing set in the backyard ready to be played on by our perfect little munchkins. We moved in on my father-in-laws birthday November18th (and he was a saint for helping us move on his birthday!!) and my mom and I went straight to work deciding on how to design the kids' bedrooms. She still hadn't found her condo yet so she moved with us and continued to "couch it" in what was going to be the kid's playroom. (Mom "LOVED" our This Ends Up couch because she said it was better for her back than any bed...personally I think it was all just BS she told us because she never wanted us to have to "go out of our way" to put up a bed for her even though we offered to millions of times. That's just my personal opinion.)
Brookelyn was born the end of May in 2006. I couldn't have been more happy to have my mom living with us when I came home from the hospital. Not only was she able to keep Nate and make him feel so special during the time Ben & I were actually in the hospital, but she was my second set of hands in handling a non_sleeping newborn and curious little 2.5yr old. Ben even told me on occasion that he was glad to have her here to keep an eye on things while we attempted a nap every once in a while. Life was good...literally.
When Brooke was around 6 moths old, and after an incredibly scary 10day stay in the hospital for sepsis with a fever of 106, she was diagnosed with VasicoUreteralReflux (VUR). Basically, the check valve between her ureter and her bladder was nonexistent and her urine would free flow back up into her kidney and cause infections and kidney damage. After loads of tests, labs,x-rays and ultrasounds the doctors were able to find the exact antibiotic that would treat my poor suffering little baby and get her back to her sweet bobble-headed self. She was required to stay on a daily antibiotic everyday until her VUR either corrected itself or she had surgery. 3 surgeries later, at the age of 4, Brooke was finally able to discontinue that antibiotic
September 29, 2007. The day mom's life changed. The day my life changed. The day my entire family's life changed. Mom came into my and Ben's bedroom, which she absolutely never did, and woke me up at 7am asking me to take her to the hospital. My mom never saw doctors for anything and never wanted to take medicines for anything other than Advil. So for her to ask to go to the hospital meant that something was severely wrong with her. Apparently, she had been up the entire night before in excruciating pain. My mom was a very private woman, and out of respect for her I will not go into detail about what was causing her pain...all you need to know was that it scared her, hurt her and had her thinking she was dying. But even in those thoughts, she didn't want to "make a fuss at night while everyone was sleeping" to have me take her to the hospital. I love her for always putting others first, but also despise her for never thinking she was important enough to take care of herself before others.
The doctors were able to tell mom that they believed her "issue" that was casuing her pain was most likely the result of diverticulitis, but they wouldn't be completly sure until further testing. Mom was kept in the hospital on antibiotics and pain meds and went for surgery on my birthday October 7 for a colostomy. The drs wanted to give mom's bowel and bladder time to heal before they reversed the colostomy and "fixed the problem". In the mean time, mom felt 100% better and coped with having a colostomy rather well. For her, she focused on the fact that it was all going to be reversed and this was a minor hiccup that she had to temporarily deal with.
A week or so later, I took mom to have a colonoscopy done to see just how bad her diverticulitis was. I used to work for the GI dr that did her colonoscopy so I felt very comfortably with his knowledge and expertise. But when he came out and spoke to me in the recovery holding room, I prayed that he was wrong. "Niki, I'm not going to lie to you. I believe your mother has colon cancer. I took a few specimens and am sending them off to be tested for certain, but I know what cancer looks like. There is a large tumor in your mother that I believe may also be in her bladder now. I am so sorry and I really hope that I am wrong." I never said any of this to my mom. Never told her about that conversation when she came to. On the ride home and the next day, all I told her was "Dr Park will call us with the definitive results once he gets the biopsy report back. Good or bad, we are going to get through this together mom, I promise." Those last 11 words will forever haunt me.
-----------and here is where I am going to stop for now....I feel some tears coming on, so I'm going to go up, sneak into my munchkins' rooms and smooch them and then curl up next to Ben and find my comfort once again.
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