Today marks the 6month anniversary of my mom's death. Its hare to believe it has been half of a year without her. Shouldn't I feel "adjusted" by know? Shouldn't things be some what "normal" for me? I still don't know that I've really accepted her being gone. I still expect to hear her call for me or see her sitting in her chair sleeping when I go downstairs. Six months......its unreal how strong the pain still is......and the memory of every single moment of Wednesday, February 2nd.
Ugh, forget it. I can't blog this. Can't see with these God Damned tears!! The point is, TODAY HURTS AS BAD AS EVERY DAY HAS FOR THE LAST 6 MONTHS. My mom hasnt been here to hug me, talk to me, laugh or cry with me for 6 months. And my heart is not feeling any less heavy.
I love you mom. I miss you.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
"It was more than just cheering for me. Its hard to expalain, ma."
Some days I feel like the world has forgotten about my mom. Some days I get irritated thinking that the people that were closest to her never seem to really talk about mom to me or share/show any emotion over her being gone anymore. It's enough that some days I can feel myself boiling with anger thinking that no one else is missing mom like I am....and how dare they move on and get over it!! But then there are days like today when I have a small conversation with someone that puts all of such thoughts to shame.
Today was Nate's first day of football practice. It's his 3rd year playing and he has convinced himself that this year he is going to be one of the best players on the team since he has finally grown a bit and is playing with kids his own size (he's always been one of if not THE smallest on his team....but I can proudly say he held his own when put up against kids twice his size!) Nate loves football. He may not always love going to practice, but the kid really loves game day and scrimages. He LOVES watching the Baltimore Ravens on tv and will even shout at the tv and get excited jumping up and down or slamming his hands to his head when watching a game. And if you ask him why he loves football so much he'll give you one answer...."it reminds me of my grandma and how she loved watching me play."
So today was an important day for my little buddy. And I knew that he was looking forward to strapping on his helmet and pads and seeing his teammates on the field. What I didn't know was what he was missing...or rather, WHO he was missing today.
This morning, while he was eating his breakfast and explaining to me what drills he was hoping they would do tonight, Nate shared something with me that pierced my heart. "You know ma, football used to be grandma's favorite sport. She used to like watching it with me. She didn't always understand it so I'd have to explain what happened sometimes, but I liked doing that." I sat down with him and just gave him the usual, "yeah, bud, I know....she sure did love doing everything and anything with you kids!" "Do you think grandma still wants to watch me now that she is in heaven? I wish I could see her face on the side of the field watching me one more time, or have her waiting for me to come home and tell her how awesome practice was". The next 2 sentences out of his mouth reviled my baby boy's heart to me; "It was more than just her cheering for me. It's hard to explain, ma." My mind nor mouth could form no words to speak to him. In that moment all I could do was hug him, rock him, and fight my tears. In my head all I could think was how unfair that my sweet little boy is experiencing such a deep sadness and how excruciating it is that I can't protecting him from it!! When I could finally speak I could only think to say something to lighten the moment. "i think its safe to bet that grandma is most definitely going to be watching you play football and that she has probably got ALL of heaven watching and cheering for her best little man! Even the Steeler fans up there are cheering for the J-ville Ravens this year because of your grandma!" I could breath again when Nate looked at me and giggled. I did my best to talk to him and reassure him that grandma is and always will be proudly watching over him even though we can't see her. And that just because she isnt here with us doesn't mean her love isn't. Words came out that I wasn't even aware of to comfort my Nater-Tot....and I can't help but wonder if that was my mama talking through me.
My son had such a strong connection with my mom. I know I've said it before, but truly they had an incredible bond. And in my own selfish grief I didn't consider how Nate has been feeling in all of his "big moments" since mom's death. This was an eye-opener for me. It isn't only myself that still feels the sting. A little J-ville Ravens player is battling his own emotions with the loss of this incredible force in his life. And its more than just her cheering that is gone for him.....its hard to explain and yet I completely understand it now.
**He's got a big heart, mom, you know that. But that big heart is holding lots of pain. He's trying so hard to be your brave little man. Listen for him, mom....he always felt understood by you.
Love and miss you forever.
N
Today was Nate's first day of football practice. It's his 3rd year playing and he has convinced himself that this year he is going to be one of the best players on the team since he has finally grown a bit and is playing with kids his own size (he's always been one of if not THE smallest on his team....but I can proudly say he held his own when put up against kids twice his size!) Nate loves football. He may not always love going to practice, but the kid really loves game day and scrimages. He LOVES watching the Baltimore Ravens on tv and will even shout at the tv and get excited jumping up and down or slamming his hands to his head when watching a game. And if you ask him why he loves football so much he'll give you one answer...."it reminds me of my grandma and how she loved watching me play."
So today was an important day for my little buddy. And I knew that he was looking forward to strapping on his helmet and pads and seeing his teammates on the field. What I didn't know was what he was missing...or rather, WHO he was missing today.
This morning, while he was eating his breakfast and explaining to me what drills he was hoping they would do tonight, Nate shared something with me that pierced my heart. "You know ma, football used to be grandma's favorite sport. She used to like watching it with me. She didn't always understand it so I'd have to explain what happened sometimes, but I liked doing that." I sat down with him and just gave him the usual, "yeah, bud, I know....she sure did love doing everything and anything with you kids!" "Do you think grandma still wants to watch me now that she is in heaven? I wish I could see her face on the side of the field watching me one more time, or have her waiting for me to come home and tell her how awesome practice was". The next 2 sentences out of his mouth reviled my baby boy's heart to me; "It was more than just her cheering for me. It's hard to explain, ma." My mind nor mouth could form no words to speak to him. In that moment all I could do was hug him, rock him, and fight my tears. In my head all I could think was how unfair that my sweet little boy is experiencing such a deep sadness and how excruciating it is that I can't protecting him from it!! When I could finally speak I could only think to say something to lighten the moment. "i think its safe to bet that grandma is most definitely going to be watching you play football and that she has probably got ALL of heaven watching and cheering for her best little man! Even the Steeler fans up there are cheering for the J-ville Ravens this year because of your grandma!" I could breath again when Nate looked at me and giggled. I did my best to talk to him and reassure him that grandma is and always will be proudly watching over him even though we can't see her. And that just because she isnt here with us doesn't mean her love isn't. Words came out that I wasn't even aware of to comfort my Nater-Tot....and I can't help but wonder if that was my mama talking through me.
My son had such a strong connection with my mom. I know I've said it before, but truly they had an incredible bond. And in my own selfish grief I didn't consider how Nate has been feeling in all of his "big moments" since mom's death. This was an eye-opener for me. It isn't only myself that still feels the sting. A little J-ville Ravens player is battling his own emotions with the loss of this incredible force in his life. And its more than just her cheering that is gone for him.....its hard to explain and yet I completely understand it now.
**He's got a big heart, mom, you know that. But that big heart is holding lots of pain. He's trying so hard to be your brave little man. Listen for him, mom....he always felt understood by you.
Love and miss you forever.
N
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Maddison Olivia McLain....her initials spell your name
Dear Mom,
She's here, Maddie is finally here :) And she is perfect! (but you already knew that!) Todd is sooooo proud...he couldn't keep his eyes off of her :) And Nic- talk about a woman on a mission! She was incredible! So calm and relaxed. I was definitely more frantic and chaotic from excitement! :)
It was bittersweet sitting in the waiting room, mom. I just kept picturing the last time we were there....you and I sat giggling with excitement for Brody to come....and then snapping pics of each other with our silly name tags informing people we were the "favorite aunt" and "proud grandma" after he was born! I made my name tag today just like that one, but no one giggled with me or understood the inside joke. I wanted so badly to hear you laugh until you cried.
But I know you were there. Not even death would keep you from the birth of your grandchild! Nate said you were lucky because you got to see Maddie first since babies come from heaven....I totally agree with him :) At one point, Brooke asked me if you picked who's hair color Maddie would have! (by the way, she thinks you should've given Maddie pink hair since it is a "princess color"!) And of course, I filled in with the random tears of joy that you always shed! I swear I felt like you as I was tearing up walking down the hallway to see Nicole before the baby was even born...and I felt horrible for ever teasing you about it.
Ugh, so many emotions today, mom. You were steady on my brain and heart. Things this joyous and significant are supposed to be shared with loved ones. And as much as I firmly believe you were there, it was rough not physically sharing it with you. I'm sure Todd felt the same way. But I did my best to represent you, mama! I gave the hugs, the tears of happiness, the encouraging words, and the snacks and gifts for the kids just like you would've done! I tried to find a pink musical bear for Maddie like the one you gave Brooke but could only find a musical giraffe...still, it was in tradition and you would've approved its cuteness factor!
Did you hear me talking to Maddie? I promised to help her know all about you and what an awesome grandma you were. And everything else I said I know is true....and I know you'll make sure of it.
I can't say it enough....I miss you, mama, and I love you so incredibly much. Thank you for being MY mom and my foundation. And thank you for loving me with "mother love".
I know I don't have to say it, but be with Todd and Nicole and help them in these first few months. They are great parents, but even the greatest parents need some extra tlc in the beginning ;) Give them a sign and let them know you're there. And keep an eye on Miss Maddie O....I have a feeling she's going to give Todd and Nic a run for their money as all little girls do ;)
I'm out of words for tonight mom, so I'm going to hit the sack. I hope to see you in my dreams and we can talk face to face about your newest little grandbaby....and I can hear you giggle until you cry with me.
Forever XOXO,
Your baby girl
She's here, Maddie is finally here :) And she is perfect! (but you already knew that!) Todd is sooooo proud...he couldn't keep his eyes off of her :) And Nic- talk about a woman on a mission! She was incredible! So calm and relaxed. I was definitely more frantic and chaotic from excitement! :)
It was bittersweet sitting in the waiting room, mom. I just kept picturing the last time we were there....you and I sat giggling with excitement for Brody to come....and then snapping pics of each other with our silly name tags informing people we were the "favorite aunt" and "proud grandma" after he was born! I made my name tag today just like that one, but no one giggled with me or understood the inside joke. I wanted so badly to hear you laugh until you cried.
But I know you were there. Not even death would keep you from the birth of your grandchild! Nate said you were lucky because you got to see Maddie first since babies come from heaven....I totally agree with him :) At one point, Brooke asked me if you picked who's hair color Maddie would have! (by the way, she thinks you should've given Maddie pink hair since it is a "princess color"!) And of course, I filled in with the random tears of joy that you always shed! I swear I felt like you as I was tearing up walking down the hallway to see Nicole before the baby was even born...and I felt horrible for ever teasing you about it.
Ugh, so many emotions today, mom. You were steady on my brain and heart. Things this joyous and significant are supposed to be shared with loved ones. And as much as I firmly believe you were there, it was rough not physically sharing it with you. I'm sure Todd felt the same way. But I did my best to represent you, mama! I gave the hugs, the tears of happiness, the encouraging words, and the snacks and gifts for the kids just like you would've done! I tried to find a pink musical bear for Maddie like the one you gave Brooke but could only find a musical giraffe...still, it was in tradition and you would've approved its cuteness factor!
Did you hear me talking to Maddie? I promised to help her know all about you and what an awesome grandma you were. And everything else I said I know is true....and I know you'll make sure of it.
I can't say it enough....I miss you, mama, and I love you so incredibly much. Thank you for being MY mom and my foundation. And thank you for loving me with "mother love".
I know I don't have to say it, but be with Todd and Nicole and help them in these first few months. They are great parents, but even the greatest parents need some extra tlc in the beginning ;) Give them a sign and let them know you're there. And keep an eye on Miss Maddie O....I have a feeling she's going to give Todd and Nic a run for their money as all little girls do ;)
I'm out of words for tonight mom, so I'm going to hit the sack. I hope to see you in my dreams and we can talk face to face about your newest little grandbaby....and I can hear you giggle until you cry with me.
Forever XOXO,
Your baby girl
Saturday, July 16, 2011
"This one's marked FRAGILE"....
A box is just a simple item. It's uses are simple: contain, shield and protect, storage. It has 6 sides and comes in a variety of sizes. Pretty boring. Unless that "boring 6 sided container" holds items that once belonged to a loved one who is no longer here. That totally changes the value of a box.
I learned that today. I guess I've known it since the day my mom died, but today really reinforced that knowledge.
My mother-in-law came over today to help me start sorting through boxes of my mom's things. It's a job that I have been avoiding and putting off doing for months (and honestly wouldn't mind putting off doing for years). But its a job that needs to be done in order to give my kids their basement back to play in and my husband back his area to watch his "man tv". I was hoping that I could attack it with a numb mind and zip through it like ripping a band aide off quickly.....make the sting hurt less. (Deep down I knew that was not realistic but I hoped nontheless.) But just in walking down my stairs and looking at my mom's clothes, Christmas decorations and nicknacks stacked all around reminded me that this was much more than just a band aide kind of situation. That burning pit in my stomach and heart reminds me why I haven't attempted this move yet...
My mother-in-law knew that I would have to take this job in small bits. She knows this is not something I can handle taking care of all in one day. She knows I am fragile when it comes to this....so we limited ourselves to just going through mom's clothes. I thought that would be the "safest start" for me since majority of mom's clothes were packed into an old chest and hadn't been worn in years. I figured "eh, they'll be pretty easy to whiz through and give away. Doubt i'll even recognize half of them..." .
I kid you not when I say my body started to shake when I opened the chest. It's as if my subconscious was trying to say, "prepare yourself! This is NOT easy like you think its going to be!".
I didn't want my M-I-L or the kids to notice me like that so I moved around a lot figiting with boxes pretending that I needed to clear a path in the room to be able to move around. I needed to cause a distraction for both them and myself! My M-I-L started pushing boxes and rearranging them with me..."This one's marked FRAGILE so be careful where it goes"
Those words at that very moment perfectly described ME.
"Deep breath. You can do this Nik....you HAVE to do this. Dammit! Why am I here doing this!! Why the f **** is she gone!! We were supposed to beat that God dammed cancer!! This is NOT how her life or my life was supposed to go!!!!!!!! Deep breath Niki, deep breath and no tears......crap, I totally remember all of these clothes....."
I made it through the chest. Not fast, not slow, but I made it through with only a small break. I could remember shopping with mom for these clothes. That blue shirt- she wore it to go see Thomas the Train with Nate.....those pants she wore to Brookelyn's christening...that grey shirt was the one she helped me paint the deck at our old house in. I could see her in them. I could picture her perfectly and it brought on a fear that by giving away those clothes I would be giving away that perfect picture they awake in my memory. That is a fear that cuts deep.
It wasn't until I moved on to her clothes that were hanging, the ones she wore regularly for her last 2 years, that I really felt myself slipping off the ledge. Every shirt, ever running jacket that she loved, every pair of pants that she lived in, they all ripped my fingers from the grip I desperately clinged to from falling into my own bottomless pit of heartbreak. The final punch was her scarf.....it smelled just like her. The morning that would end up being her last here at home, I told her to be sure and keep her scarf around her neck when Todd came to pick her up because it was so cold out. She hated the cold.....she loved her scarf......I loved her. She left it, her small aqua colored scarf. It's a treasure to me now. Who would have ever thought a simple Target purchase would one day hold a priceless value? That scarf is staying with me along with some other important pieces of her wardrobe.
Ben moved the boxes of mom's "GoodWill" clothes up to the back door. I haven't let him take them to the car yet....babysteps. It's not easy letting go of any of my mom's things because it feels like I'm letting go of what I have left of her. I know, I know.....she is in my heart and I never will really "let her go". But for the love of God I can't help feeling like she's being taken from me all over again. And it HURTS!. I don't know where to turn to get comfort from it...I only find distractions that help me avoid.
I imagine I will keep the boxes at the back door for a few days to help "prepare me" until they make it to the GoodWill. It's kind of like my Brookie learning to swim....she used her life vest to get used to the water, then she got brave and took it off, few days later and with some coaching she is swimming under water on her own. I figure I am in the "no life vest" phase right now. I am not brave enough to let go of the ladder and swimm under water yet. My mind is scared of the wave that is waiting to take me down and my heart is terrified of the pain and hurt that still lies ahead. Too bad life doesn't care if "This one is marked FRAGILE".
Mom, I love you. My heart hurts from missing you so much. You are the only one that would truly understand what I am feeling....but you're not hear to talk it over with.... <3
I learned that today. I guess I've known it since the day my mom died, but today really reinforced that knowledge.
My mother-in-law came over today to help me start sorting through boxes of my mom's things. It's a job that I have been avoiding and putting off doing for months (and honestly wouldn't mind putting off doing for years). But its a job that needs to be done in order to give my kids their basement back to play in and my husband back his area to watch his "man tv". I was hoping that I could attack it with a numb mind and zip through it like ripping a band aide off quickly.....make the sting hurt less. (Deep down I knew that was not realistic but I hoped nontheless.) But just in walking down my stairs and looking at my mom's clothes, Christmas decorations and nicknacks stacked all around reminded me that this was much more than just a band aide kind of situation. That burning pit in my stomach and heart reminds me why I haven't attempted this move yet...
My mother-in-law knew that I would have to take this job in small bits. She knows this is not something I can handle taking care of all in one day. She knows I am fragile when it comes to this....so we limited ourselves to just going through mom's clothes. I thought that would be the "safest start" for me since majority of mom's clothes were packed into an old chest and hadn't been worn in years. I figured "eh, they'll be pretty easy to whiz through and give away. Doubt i'll even recognize half of them..." .
I kid you not when I say my body started to shake when I opened the chest. It's as if my subconscious was trying to say, "prepare yourself! This is NOT easy like you think its going to be!".
I didn't want my M-I-L or the kids to notice me like that so I moved around a lot figiting with boxes pretending that I needed to clear a path in the room to be able to move around. I needed to cause a distraction for both them and myself! My M-I-L started pushing boxes and rearranging them with me..."This one's marked FRAGILE so be careful where it goes"
Those words at that very moment perfectly described ME.
"Deep breath. You can do this Nik....you HAVE to do this. Dammit! Why am I here doing this!! Why the f **** is she gone!! We were supposed to beat that God dammed cancer!! This is NOT how her life or my life was supposed to go!!!!!!!! Deep breath Niki, deep breath and no tears......crap, I totally remember all of these clothes....."
I made it through the chest. Not fast, not slow, but I made it through with only a small break. I could remember shopping with mom for these clothes. That blue shirt- she wore it to go see Thomas the Train with Nate.....those pants she wore to Brookelyn's christening...that grey shirt was the one she helped me paint the deck at our old house in. I could see her in them. I could picture her perfectly and it brought on a fear that by giving away those clothes I would be giving away that perfect picture they awake in my memory. That is a fear that cuts deep.
It wasn't until I moved on to her clothes that were hanging, the ones she wore regularly for her last 2 years, that I really felt myself slipping off the ledge. Every shirt, ever running jacket that she loved, every pair of pants that she lived in, they all ripped my fingers from the grip I desperately clinged to from falling into my own bottomless pit of heartbreak. The final punch was her scarf.....it smelled just like her. The morning that would end up being her last here at home, I told her to be sure and keep her scarf around her neck when Todd came to pick her up because it was so cold out. She hated the cold.....she loved her scarf......I loved her. She left it, her small aqua colored scarf. It's a treasure to me now. Who would have ever thought a simple Target purchase would one day hold a priceless value? That scarf is staying with me along with some other important pieces of her wardrobe.
Ben moved the boxes of mom's "GoodWill" clothes up to the back door. I haven't let him take them to the car yet....babysteps. It's not easy letting go of any of my mom's things because it feels like I'm letting go of what I have left of her. I know, I know.....she is in my heart and I never will really "let her go". But for the love of God I can't help feeling like she's being taken from me all over again. And it HURTS!. I don't know where to turn to get comfort from it...I only find distractions that help me avoid.
I imagine I will keep the boxes at the back door for a few days to help "prepare me" until they make it to the GoodWill. It's kind of like my Brookie learning to swim....she used her life vest to get used to the water, then she got brave and took it off, few days later and with some coaching she is swimming under water on her own. I figure I am in the "no life vest" phase right now. I am not brave enough to let go of the ladder and swimm under water yet. My mind is scared of the wave that is waiting to take me down and my heart is terrified of the pain and hurt that still lies ahead. Too bad life doesn't care if "This one is marked FRAGILE".
Mom, I love you. My heart hurts from missing you so much. You are the only one that would truly understand what I am feeling....but you're not hear to talk it over with.... <3
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Full of empty
Growing up, I had the first room down the hall on the right. Mom had a "for looks only" living room with her pretty white loveseat and dinning room with her sea-foam green carpet and Ethan Allen dinning room table. Every Christmas mom would set out her Nativity scene on top of her antique china cabinet....that's also where she helped Ben hide my engagement ring a few days before he proposed. Mom's bedroom was across the hall from mine next to the bathroom. Her canopy bed always reminded me of a princess' bed.....no frilly top to it or anything like that, but it was so tall and made of gorgeous cherry wood. The basement was the party room....years of Christmases, New Years and birthday parties. I remember having a gypsy bday party as a kid there, and my surprise sweet 16 bday party with the Juke box mom rented. My bridal shower and bachelorete parties all took place there. The kitchen at Deer Pass was small but mom always kept it tidy (as best she could with teens and a daycare!) She was sitting at that kitchen table when Ben and I gave her a baby rattle wrapped up to give her the news that she was going to be a first-time grandmom. Deer Pass held a lot of amazing moments in my life.
I remember packing it all up. Ben and I would go over every single day and help mom pack....I hated it. I was the one who researched moving companies and storage units. The day came and the movers loaded the truck. Everything that was to be moved had a pink ribbon tied to it and was put into the Stack n Store unit #3427.
Fast forward 7 years....Deer Pass is gone, mom is gone, and as of tonight unit #3427 is gone. We have emptied out all of the furniture, all of the boxes, all of the packed away memories in that storage unit. Todd has mom's dinning room table that she adored and was so proud of. The china cabinet now holds Ben's and my wedding china and her bed looks amazing in our room. My basement has all of the boxes stacked to the ceiling.....they're on her side of the basement in moms room that I haven't been able to bring myself to touch yet. The boxes of mom's Christmas ornaments are right next to her clothes that are still hanging up.
I can't even begin to describe the mixture of emotions that have been swarming inside my head and heart this past week. The only way I can think to describe it is to say I feel full of empty. Like the storage unit is right now, empty......I feel like thats me. And yet I also am glad to have mom's treasures in my house and with Todd. All of her things are "home" now, they are here but she's not. It leaves me full of empty.
Putting mom's China cabinet in my dinning room and filling it with the dishes, saucers and tea cups she helped me pick out brought me completely to my knees. I could almost hear her telling me "its an antique, so be careful with it". I have sat every day since we brought it home last Wednesday and just stared at it. I wish so badly that she were here to see it in our home. She told me a million times that I "should go get it and use it" but I never felt like digging through the stupid storage unit. I regret that.
The boxes downstairs are going to knock my legs out from under me....I'm terrified to go through them. I know i need to and I know I need to get the basement back into use for the sake of my husband and kids, but I don't want to open up a box that is ultimately going to hurt me and reopen a wound that I don't know how to heal. How do you go through items that belong to someone so important to you and decide what to keep and what to toss?! Every tiny, little, insignificant "thing" that holds any connection to mom is not something that I can easily part with these days....its like letting her go all over again and I don't know that I can handle that.....I really don't!
Everyone says "memories are kept in your head and heart, not in some box or container" and that "material things are just that, "things". But memories are a feeling". And everyone that says that either has never experienced a heartbreaking, life changing loss or they are worlds stronger than I can even imagine being. My memories are all I have left and I never want them to fade....its almost safer to keep them stored in a box. But then where does that leave me? It leaves me again feeling full of empty......
Oh Mama, I could really use your calming voice right now. There are sooooo many thoughts jamming up my brain. All of them screaming. What I wouldn't give to have you hold my hand and tell me "this too shall pass". Even if I didn't always believe you, the way you said it brought me a kind of peace that I haven't been able to find since you left. My heart hurts, mom. I feel like I miss you more now than i did even 3months ago. It scares me. I don't like this reality of you not being here to turn to when I need my mommy! I literally pray every night for you to talk to me so I can hear your voice again. Please, mom......talk to me and tell me what I'm supposed to do......
I love you always to the heavens and back a million times!!
Love,
Me
I remember packing it all up. Ben and I would go over every single day and help mom pack....I hated it. I was the one who researched moving companies and storage units. The day came and the movers loaded the truck. Everything that was to be moved had a pink ribbon tied to it and was put into the Stack n Store unit #3427.
Fast forward 7 years....Deer Pass is gone, mom is gone, and as of tonight unit #3427 is gone. We have emptied out all of the furniture, all of the boxes, all of the packed away memories in that storage unit. Todd has mom's dinning room table that she adored and was so proud of. The china cabinet now holds Ben's and my wedding china and her bed looks amazing in our room. My basement has all of the boxes stacked to the ceiling.....they're on her side of the basement in moms room that I haven't been able to bring myself to touch yet. The boxes of mom's Christmas ornaments are right next to her clothes that are still hanging up.
I can't even begin to describe the mixture of emotions that have been swarming inside my head and heart this past week. The only way I can think to describe it is to say I feel full of empty. Like the storage unit is right now, empty......I feel like thats me. And yet I also am glad to have mom's treasures in my house and with Todd. All of her things are "home" now, they are here but she's not. It leaves me full of empty.
Putting mom's China cabinet in my dinning room and filling it with the dishes, saucers and tea cups she helped me pick out brought me completely to my knees. I could almost hear her telling me "its an antique, so be careful with it". I have sat every day since we brought it home last Wednesday and just stared at it. I wish so badly that she were here to see it in our home. She told me a million times that I "should go get it and use it" but I never felt like digging through the stupid storage unit. I regret that.
The boxes downstairs are going to knock my legs out from under me....I'm terrified to go through them. I know i need to and I know I need to get the basement back into use for the sake of my husband and kids, but I don't want to open up a box that is ultimately going to hurt me and reopen a wound that I don't know how to heal. How do you go through items that belong to someone so important to you and decide what to keep and what to toss?! Every tiny, little, insignificant "thing" that holds any connection to mom is not something that I can easily part with these days....its like letting her go all over again and I don't know that I can handle that.....I really don't!
Everyone says "memories are kept in your head and heart, not in some box or container" and that "material things are just that, "things". But memories are a feeling". And everyone that says that either has never experienced a heartbreaking, life changing loss or they are worlds stronger than I can even imagine being. My memories are all I have left and I never want them to fade....its almost safer to keep them stored in a box. But then where does that leave me? It leaves me again feeling full of empty......
Oh Mama, I could really use your calming voice right now. There are sooooo many thoughts jamming up my brain. All of them screaming. What I wouldn't give to have you hold my hand and tell me "this too shall pass". Even if I didn't always believe you, the way you said it brought me a kind of peace that I haven't been able to find since you left. My heart hurts, mom. I feel like I miss you more now than i did even 3months ago. It scares me. I don't like this reality of you not being here to turn to when I need my mommy! I literally pray every night for you to talk to me so I can hear your voice again. Please, mom......talk to me and tell me what I'm supposed to do......
I love you always to the heavens and back a million times!!
Love,
Me
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Dear Mom....
Dear Mom,
I wish I could say all of this in person to you today. I want to say "Happy Mothers Day" to you and give you a sappy card and some cheesy predictable mothers day gift that we both end up making jokes about. But I am in the process of learning that what I want and wish for daily isn't something possible anymore. So this is what I'm left with....a blogged letter to you.
I hope that you and Gram had the absolute most perfect mother's day in heaven today. I imagine that is the only way things are done up there...perfectly....which is exactly what you deserve. I can totally see the two of you sitting there talking over your tea, or ice cream, and one of you starts into a giggle that leads both of you laughing to the point of tears. I have this picture in my head of you holding Gram's hand sitting on a sofa just like the one in her living room. And Papa waiting on "his girls" hand and foot (which we both know he deep down loved to do). So, am I close?
No need for me to tell you about how my day went, you saw. The surprise brunch was nice. The kids LOVED the chocolate fountain! And once again, Ben and I attempted a family picture which resulted in half our faces being cut off ;) one day we'll get it right!
But I made it through the day. Not without some tears and some deep breaths, but I got out of bed and enjoyed parts of the day (which isn't something I thought I was going to end up doing when lying awake all last night thinking). I'm proud of myself for doing that, mom. Sounds ridiculous to say that, doesn't it? Being proud of yourself for getting out of bed and enjoying the day....if I was someone who never experienced the loss of a mother and best friend I would say it sound pathetic. But I am experiencing that loss. So I do feel a sense of accomplishment in finding enjoyment in any part of my day. Of course, Ben, Nate and Brooke are good reasons to find enjoyment :) its just that Mothers day feels so different to me now. It feels like "half", if that even makes any sense. It just hurts knowing that my first ever reason for celebrating a mother's day isn't here anymore to celebrate with. I don't know if that'll ever get better for me.
I have to ask you....the hawk over the playground today- that was you, right? I told Ben to look up and we both just knew. And it was you yesterday checking in on me during the yard sale wasn't it...you always pick the perfect time to let me know you're still around. Its something I look for every single day, mom...so keep it coming!
I love you mom. Above all other crazy, sad, painful, confusing feelings I have, THAT is the strongest feeling that comes though....I hope you always knew and will forever know that.
Happy Mother's Day my sweet angel mother. Take care of your beautiful grandbaby for me and tell him/her only the happiest of stories about me until I get there someday to be with you guys again. Give Gram a big hug for me and tell her I said thank you for raising you to be the best mom that I could have ever been blessed with.
XOXO to the moon and back a million times!
Love,
Nickerooney
I wish I could say all of this in person to you today. I want to say "Happy Mothers Day" to you and give you a sappy card and some cheesy predictable mothers day gift that we both end up making jokes about. But I am in the process of learning that what I want and wish for daily isn't something possible anymore. So this is what I'm left with....a blogged letter to you.
I hope that you and Gram had the absolute most perfect mother's day in heaven today. I imagine that is the only way things are done up there...perfectly....which is exactly what you deserve. I can totally see the two of you sitting there talking over your tea, or ice cream, and one of you starts into a giggle that leads both of you laughing to the point of tears. I have this picture in my head of you holding Gram's hand sitting on a sofa just like the one in her living room. And Papa waiting on "his girls" hand and foot (which we both know he deep down loved to do). So, am I close?
No need for me to tell you about how my day went, you saw. The surprise brunch was nice. The kids LOVED the chocolate fountain! And once again, Ben and I attempted a family picture which resulted in half our faces being cut off ;) one day we'll get it right!
But I made it through the day. Not without some tears and some deep breaths, but I got out of bed and enjoyed parts of the day (which isn't something I thought I was going to end up doing when lying awake all last night thinking). I'm proud of myself for doing that, mom. Sounds ridiculous to say that, doesn't it? Being proud of yourself for getting out of bed and enjoying the day....if I was someone who never experienced the loss of a mother and best friend I would say it sound pathetic. But I am experiencing that loss. So I do feel a sense of accomplishment in finding enjoyment in any part of my day. Of course, Ben, Nate and Brooke are good reasons to find enjoyment :) its just that Mothers day feels so different to me now. It feels like "half", if that even makes any sense. It just hurts knowing that my first ever reason for celebrating a mother's day isn't here anymore to celebrate with. I don't know if that'll ever get better for me.
I have to ask you....the hawk over the playground today- that was you, right? I told Ben to look up and we both just knew. And it was you yesterday checking in on me during the yard sale wasn't it...you always pick the perfect time to let me know you're still around. Its something I look for every single day, mom...so keep it coming!
I love you mom. Above all other crazy, sad, painful, confusing feelings I have, THAT is the strongest feeling that comes though....I hope you always knew and will forever know that.
Happy Mother's Day my sweet angel mother. Take care of your beautiful grandbaby for me and tell him/her only the happiest of stories about me until I get there someday to be with you guys again. Give Gram a big hug for me and tell her I said thank you for raising you to be the best mom that I could have ever been blessed with.
XOXO to the moon and back a million times!
Love,
Nickerooney
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Thanks alot Hallmark
I ran in to Walgreens this morning. Doesn't sound like it should have been any kind of traumatic or emotional experience, right? I went in for masking tape....not exactly the kind of purchase that would lead you to tears! But I walked past the aisle of Mother's Day cards. Some cute little funny ones caught my eye and I stopped to look at them thinking "oh I should get one for Kristy! And send one to Gina...and I need one for my mother-in-law". I really wish I would have walked right past that stupid aisle. I picked up a few and read them and immediately teared up and started crying....RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF WALGREENS for Christ's sake! I caught myself and pulled it somewhat together just in time before my father-in-law snuck up behind me. He stopped in to get his mom a card. I don't think he noticed my tears because I stayed buried in the cards and made little eye contact when talking. Had he noticed, I know he would have hugged me and that would've totally led me to fall apart and I did NOT want that to happen in aisle 4 of a drug store. Hallmark set my day up on a bad note. Hallmark is now ion my sh*t list! Its a beautiful day outside and I am a f-ing wreck because I read a stupid bedazzled piece of paper thanking someone for loving them unconditionally and sharing in every major moment of their life. I was crying because the god dammed card companies refined me that the person who helped form me and my beliefs, the person that shared in all of MY special times, the person who loved me before I was even born was gone! Mother's Day is not the same for me now....it just isn't. And I feel like I have been just cycling around in this "it's all painfully different" kind of way now. Especially in the months of April and now May.
April 23, 2011....the first time I wasn't able to sing "Happy Birthday" to my mom and watch her smirk at me and tell me my si singing "doesn't improve with age but the delivery makes up for it". I was holding my breath for this day because I didn't know how it was going to effect me. I knew that I would need to be around family to keep me together, and thankfully I was. The first half of the day I just laid in bed and melted into my pillow with random bursts of tears...."she's gone, really gone. Not here to let us fuss over for the day. No birthday cake for her to cut. No presents for her to open and tell us we shouldn't have but glad we did. I don't get to hug my mother today and tell her I love her to the moon and back 10million times...its not fair!" All I wanted to do was hide in bed and let this day pass- mom's birthday. Her birthday is shadowed by her death day. And the pain is still all too fresh.
Todd and my nephews all came over so that we could be together to "celebrate" moms birthday....sounds like a funny way to describe it considering the dark cloud of grief that invades all happy moments for us. Ben picked up mom's favorite meal for us to have just as we would have had she been here to enjoy it. She LOVED the chicken masala from Bontempo Brothers. Todd and Ben got out and played some lax with the kids. I stayed on the deck trying to get pics and for a second I felt like mom....that's where she would've been, on the deck, watching, smiling, taking pictures. I don't want to be the "matriarch" of the family, that's HER title and I'm not ready to take it on and yet I know she would be disappointed if I didn't step up. Mom believed that all families need at least 1 person to take the reigns and make sure everyone still gets together, plans family dinners, keep lines of communication flowing and just keep the family interlaced with each other. She tried to do that as much as possible, and now I guess its my turn.
We sent balloons up with messages to mom - 8 pink and purple balloons with little blue cards tied to them. It was windy and I was afraid the balloons were going to get stuck in one of the hundreds of trees that surround our house, but the minute we all started the count down the wind stopped. Not a trace of wind blew until after the balloons where well over the trees....tell me that wasn't a total work of my mom!
The best part was my youngest nephew, Brody, saying "i don't see her. How's grandma getting the balloons if I can't see her", to which my brother responded, "close your eyes, Bubba, you can see her there." And that's exactly what Bubba did.....and he had the best smile ever on his face!
The next day was Easter. Mom usually spent Easter with Todd. But she was always there that evening to tell me about all of the delicious food she stuffed herself with and how the baskets were everywhere and how the flowers in Todd and Nicole's front garden were absolutely gorgeous. I came home from Easter with my in-laws craving the predictability of that conversation with my beautiful sweet mama.
I miss you mom. I miss you and everything that we shared. You were my first best friend and my truest bff. I hope you got our balloons and read our messages. I meant every word. Sunday is going to be hard on me...I wish you were her to tell me what I should do to get through it. I am happy that you get to share a mothers day again with Gram, but am so selfish in wishing I had you here for myself to celebrate with. I love you mama. And no Hallmark card could describe the gratitude and love I have towards you and for you....Hallmark ain't got nothing on us, kid ;)
April 23, 2011....the first time I wasn't able to sing "Happy Birthday" to my mom and watch her smirk at me and tell me my si singing "doesn't improve with age but the delivery makes up for it". I was holding my breath for this day because I didn't know how it was going to effect me. I knew that I would need to be around family to keep me together, and thankfully I was. The first half of the day I just laid in bed and melted into my pillow with random bursts of tears...."she's gone, really gone. Not here to let us fuss over for the day. No birthday cake for her to cut. No presents for her to open and tell us we shouldn't have but glad we did. I don't get to hug my mother today and tell her I love her to the moon and back 10million times...its not fair!" All I wanted to do was hide in bed and let this day pass- mom's birthday. Her birthday is shadowed by her death day. And the pain is still all too fresh.
Todd and my nephews all came over so that we could be together to "celebrate" moms birthday....sounds like a funny way to describe it considering the dark cloud of grief that invades all happy moments for us. Ben picked up mom's favorite meal for us to have just as we would have had she been here to enjoy it. She LOVED the chicken masala from Bontempo Brothers. Todd and Ben got out and played some lax with the kids. I stayed on the deck trying to get pics and for a second I felt like mom....that's where she would've been, on the deck, watching, smiling, taking pictures. I don't want to be the "matriarch" of the family, that's HER title and I'm not ready to take it on and yet I know she would be disappointed if I didn't step up. Mom believed that all families need at least 1 person to take the reigns and make sure everyone still gets together, plans family dinners, keep lines of communication flowing and just keep the family interlaced with each other. She tried to do that as much as possible, and now I guess its my turn.
We sent balloons up with messages to mom - 8 pink and purple balloons with little blue cards tied to them. It was windy and I was afraid the balloons were going to get stuck in one of the hundreds of trees that surround our house, but the minute we all started the count down the wind stopped. Not a trace of wind blew until after the balloons where well over the trees....tell me that wasn't a total work of my mom!
The best part was my youngest nephew, Brody, saying "i don't see her. How's grandma getting the balloons if I can't see her", to which my brother responded, "close your eyes, Bubba, you can see her there." And that's exactly what Bubba did.....and he had the best smile ever on his face!
The next day was Easter. Mom usually spent Easter with Todd. But she was always there that evening to tell me about all of the delicious food she stuffed herself with and how the baskets were everywhere and how the flowers in Todd and Nicole's front garden were absolutely gorgeous. I came home from Easter with my in-laws craving the predictability of that conversation with my beautiful sweet mama.
I miss you mom. I miss you and everything that we shared. You were my first best friend and my truest bff. I hope you got our balloons and read our messages. I meant every word. Sunday is going to be hard on me...I wish you were her to tell me what I should do to get through it. I am happy that you get to share a mothers day again with Gram, but am so selfish in wishing I had you here for myself to celebrate with. I love you mama. And no Hallmark card could describe the gratitude and love I have towards you and for you....Hallmark ain't got nothing on us, kid ;)
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