A box is just a simple item. It's uses are simple: contain, shield and protect, storage. It has 6 sides and comes in a variety of sizes. Pretty boring. Unless that "boring 6 sided container" holds items that once belonged to a loved one who is no longer here. That totally changes the value of a box.
I learned that today. I guess I've known it since the day my mom died, but today really reinforced that knowledge.
My mother-in-law came over today to help me start sorting through boxes of my mom's things. It's a job that I have been avoiding and putting off doing for months (and honestly wouldn't mind putting off doing for years). But its a job that needs to be done in order to give my kids their basement back to play in and my husband back his area to watch his "man tv". I was hoping that I could attack it with a numb mind and zip through it like ripping a band aide off quickly.....make the sting hurt less. (Deep down I knew that was not realistic but I hoped nontheless.) But just in walking down my stairs and looking at my mom's clothes, Christmas decorations and nicknacks stacked all around reminded me that this was much more than just a band aide kind of situation. That burning pit in my stomach and heart reminds me why I haven't attempted this move yet...
My mother-in-law knew that I would have to take this job in small bits. She knows this is not something I can handle taking care of all in one day. She knows I am fragile when it comes to this....so we limited ourselves to just going through mom's clothes. I thought that would be the "safest start" for me since majority of mom's clothes were packed into an old chest and hadn't been worn in years. I figured "eh, they'll be pretty easy to whiz through and give away. Doubt i'll even recognize half of them..." .
I kid you not when I say my body started to shake when I opened the chest. It's as if my subconscious was trying to say, "prepare yourself! This is NOT easy like you think its going to be!".
I didn't want my M-I-L or the kids to notice me like that so I moved around a lot figiting with boxes pretending that I needed to clear a path in the room to be able to move around. I needed to cause a distraction for both them and myself! My M-I-L started pushing boxes and rearranging them with me..."This one's marked FRAGILE so be careful where it goes"
Those words at that very moment perfectly described ME.
"Deep breath. You can do this Nik....you HAVE to do this. Dammit! Why am I here doing this!! Why the f **** is she gone!! We were supposed to beat that God dammed cancer!! This is NOT how her life or my life was supposed to go!!!!!!!! Deep breath Niki, deep breath and no tears......crap, I totally remember all of these clothes....."
I made it through the chest. Not fast, not slow, but I made it through with only a small break. I could remember shopping with mom for these clothes. That blue shirt- she wore it to go see Thomas the Train with Nate.....those pants she wore to Brookelyn's christening...that grey shirt was the one she helped me paint the deck at our old house in. I could see her in them. I could picture her perfectly and it brought on a fear that by giving away those clothes I would be giving away that perfect picture they awake in my memory. That is a fear that cuts deep.
It wasn't until I moved on to her clothes that were hanging, the ones she wore regularly for her last 2 years, that I really felt myself slipping off the ledge. Every shirt, ever running jacket that she loved, every pair of pants that she lived in, they all ripped my fingers from the grip I desperately clinged to from falling into my own bottomless pit of heartbreak. The final punch was her scarf.....it smelled just like her. The morning that would end up being her last here at home, I told her to be sure and keep her scarf around her neck when Todd came to pick her up because it was so cold out. She hated the cold.....she loved her scarf......I loved her. She left it, her small aqua colored scarf. It's a treasure to me now. Who would have ever thought a simple Target purchase would one day hold a priceless value? That scarf is staying with me along with some other important pieces of her wardrobe.
Ben moved the boxes of mom's "GoodWill" clothes up to the back door. I haven't let him take them to the car yet....babysteps. It's not easy letting go of any of my mom's things because it feels like I'm letting go of what I have left of her. I know, I know.....she is in my heart and I never will really "let her go". But for the love of God I can't help feeling like she's being taken from me all over again. And it HURTS!. I don't know where to turn to get comfort from it...I only find distractions that help me avoid.
I imagine I will keep the boxes at the back door for a few days to help "prepare me" until they make it to the GoodWill. It's kind of like my Brookie learning to swim....she used her life vest to get used to the water, then she got brave and took it off, few days later and with some coaching she is swimming under water on her own. I figure I am in the "no life vest" phase right now. I am not brave enough to let go of the ladder and swimm under water yet. My mind is scared of the wave that is waiting to take me down and my heart is terrified of the pain and hurt that still lies ahead. Too bad life doesn't care if "This one is marked FRAGILE".
Mom, I love you. My heart hurts from missing you so much. You are the only one that would truly understand what I am feeling....but you're not hear to talk it over with.... <3
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Full of empty
Growing up, I had the first room down the hall on the right. Mom had a "for looks only" living room with her pretty white loveseat and dinning room with her sea-foam green carpet and Ethan Allen dinning room table. Every Christmas mom would set out her Nativity scene on top of her antique china cabinet....that's also where she helped Ben hide my engagement ring a few days before he proposed. Mom's bedroom was across the hall from mine next to the bathroom. Her canopy bed always reminded me of a princess' bed.....no frilly top to it or anything like that, but it was so tall and made of gorgeous cherry wood. The basement was the party room....years of Christmases, New Years and birthday parties. I remember having a gypsy bday party as a kid there, and my surprise sweet 16 bday party with the Juke box mom rented. My bridal shower and bachelorete parties all took place there. The kitchen at Deer Pass was small but mom always kept it tidy (as best she could with teens and a daycare!) She was sitting at that kitchen table when Ben and I gave her a baby rattle wrapped up to give her the news that she was going to be a first-time grandmom. Deer Pass held a lot of amazing moments in my life.
I remember packing it all up. Ben and I would go over every single day and help mom pack....I hated it. I was the one who researched moving companies and storage units. The day came and the movers loaded the truck. Everything that was to be moved had a pink ribbon tied to it and was put into the Stack n Store unit #3427.
Fast forward 7 years....Deer Pass is gone, mom is gone, and as of tonight unit #3427 is gone. We have emptied out all of the furniture, all of the boxes, all of the packed away memories in that storage unit. Todd has mom's dinning room table that she adored and was so proud of. The china cabinet now holds Ben's and my wedding china and her bed looks amazing in our room. My basement has all of the boxes stacked to the ceiling.....they're on her side of the basement in moms room that I haven't been able to bring myself to touch yet. The boxes of mom's Christmas ornaments are right next to her clothes that are still hanging up.
I can't even begin to describe the mixture of emotions that have been swarming inside my head and heart this past week. The only way I can think to describe it is to say I feel full of empty. Like the storage unit is right now, empty......I feel like thats me. And yet I also am glad to have mom's treasures in my house and with Todd. All of her things are "home" now, they are here but she's not. It leaves me full of empty.
Putting mom's China cabinet in my dinning room and filling it with the dishes, saucers and tea cups she helped me pick out brought me completely to my knees. I could almost hear her telling me "its an antique, so be careful with it". I have sat every day since we brought it home last Wednesday and just stared at it. I wish so badly that she were here to see it in our home. She told me a million times that I "should go get it and use it" but I never felt like digging through the stupid storage unit. I regret that.
The boxes downstairs are going to knock my legs out from under me....I'm terrified to go through them. I know i need to and I know I need to get the basement back into use for the sake of my husband and kids, but I don't want to open up a box that is ultimately going to hurt me and reopen a wound that I don't know how to heal. How do you go through items that belong to someone so important to you and decide what to keep and what to toss?! Every tiny, little, insignificant "thing" that holds any connection to mom is not something that I can easily part with these days....its like letting her go all over again and I don't know that I can handle that.....I really don't!
Everyone says "memories are kept in your head and heart, not in some box or container" and that "material things are just that, "things". But memories are a feeling". And everyone that says that either has never experienced a heartbreaking, life changing loss or they are worlds stronger than I can even imagine being. My memories are all I have left and I never want them to fade....its almost safer to keep them stored in a box. But then where does that leave me? It leaves me again feeling full of empty......
Oh Mama, I could really use your calming voice right now. There are sooooo many thoughts jamming up my brain. All of them screaming. What I wouldn't give to have you hold my hand and tell me "this too shall pass". Even if I didn't always believe you, the way you said it brought me a kind of peace that I haven't been able to find since you left. My heart hurts, mom. I feel like I miss you more now than i did even 3months ago. It scares me. I don't like this reality of you not being here to turn to when I need my mommy! I literally pray every night for you to talk to me so I can hear your voice again. Please, mom......talk to me and tell me what I'm supposed to do......
I love you always to the heavens and back a million times!!
Love,
Me
I remember packing it all up. Ben and I would go over every single day and help mom pack....I hated it. I was the one who researched moving companies and storage units. The day came and the movers loaded the truck. Everything that was to be moved had a pink ribbon tied to it and was put into the Stack n Store unit #3427.
Fast forward 7 years....Deer Pass is gone, mom is gone, and as of tonight unit #3427 is gone. We have emptied out all of the furniture, all of the boxes, all of the packed away memories in that storage unit. Todd has mom's dinning room table that she adored and was so proud of. The china cabinet now holds Ben's and my wedding china and her bed looks amazing in our room. My basement has all of the boxes stacked to the ceiling.....they're on her side of the basement in moms room that I haven't been able to bring myself to touch yet. The boxes of mom's Christmas ornaments are right next to her clothes that are still hanging up.
I can't even begin to describe the mixture of emotions that have been swarming inside my head and heart this past week. The only way I can think to describe it is to say I feel full of empty. Like the storage unit is right now, empty......I feel like thats me. And yet I also am glad to have mom's treasures in my house and with Todd. All of her things are "home" now, they are here but she's not. It leaves me full of empty.
Putting mom's China cabinet in my dinning room and filling it with the dishes, saucers and tea cups she helped me pick out brought me completely to my knees. I could almost hear her telling me "its an antique, so be careful with it". I have sat every day since we brought it home last Wednesday and just stared at it. I wish so badly that she were here to see it in our home. She told me a million times that I "should go get it and use it" but I never felt like digging through the stupid storage unit. I regret that.
The boxes downstairs are going to knock my legs out from under me....I'm terrified to go through them. I know i need to and I know I need to get the basement back into use for the sake of my husband and kids, but I don't want to open up a box that is ultimately going to hurt me and reopen a wound that I don't know how to heal. How do you go through items that belong to someone so important to you and decide what to keep and what to toss?! Every tiny, little, insignificant "thing" that holds any connection to mom is not something that I can easily part with these days....its like letting her go all over again and I don't know that I can handle that.....I really don't!
Everyone says "memories are kept in your head and heart, not in some box or container" and that "material things are just that, "things". But memories are a feeling". And everyone that says that either has never experienced a heartbreaking, life changing loss or they are worlds stronger than I can even imagine being. My memories are all I have left and I never want them to fade....its almost safer to keep them stored in a box. But then where does that leave me? It leaves me again feeling full of empty......
Oh Mama, I could really use your calming voice right now. There are sooooo many thoughts jamming up my brain. All of them screaming. What I wouldn't give to have you hold my hand and tell me "this too shall pass". Even if I didn't always believe you, the way you said it brought me a kind of peace that I haven't been able to find since you left. My heart hurts, mom. I feel like I miss you more now than i did even 3months ago. It scares me. I don't like this reality of you not being here to turn to when I need my mommy! I literally pray every night for you to talk to me so I can hear your voice again. Please, mom......talk to me and tell me what I'm supposed to do......
I love you always to the heavens and back a million times!!
Love,
Me
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Dear Mom....
Dear Mom,
I wish I could say all of this in person to you today. I want to say "Happy Mothers Day" to you and give you a sappy card and some cheesy predictable mothers day gift that we both end up making jokes about. But I am in the process of learning that what I want and wish for daily isn't something possible anymore. So this is what I'm left with....a blogged letter to you.
I hope that you and Gram had the absolute most perfect mother's day in heaven today. I imagine that is the only way things are done up there...perfectly....which is exactly what you deserve. I can totally see the two of you sitting there talking over your tea, or ice cream, and one of you starts into a giggle that leads both of you laughing to the point of tears. I have this picture in my head of you holding Gram's hand sitting on a sofa just like the one in her living room. And Papa waiting on "his girls" hand and foot (which we both know he deep down loved to do). So, am I close?
No need for me to tell you about how my day went, you saw. The surprise brunch was nice. The kids LOVED the chocolate fountain! And once again, Ben and I attempted a family picture which resulted in half our faces being cut off ;) one day we'll get it right!
But I made it through the day. Not without some tears and some deep breaths, but I got out of bed and enjoyed parts of the day (which isn't something I thought I was going to end up doing when lying awake all last night thinking). I'm proud of myself for doing that, mom. Sounds ridiculous to say that, doesn't it? Being proud of yourself for getting out of bed and enjoying the day....if I was someone who never experienced the loss of a mother and best friend I would say it sound pathetic. But I am experiencing that loss. So I do feel a sense of accomplishment in finding enjoyment in any part of my day. Of course, Ben, Nate and Brooke are good reasons to find enjoyment :) its just that Mothers day feels so different to me now. It feels like "half", if that even makes any sense. It just hurts knowing that my first ever reason for celebrating a mother's day isn't here anymore to celebrate with. I don't know if that'll ever get better for me.
I have to ask you....the hawk over the playground today- that was you, right? I told Ben to look up and we both just knew. And it was you yesterday checking in on me during the yard sale wasn't it...you always pick the perfect time to let me know you're still around. Its something I look for every single day, mom...so keep it coming!
I love you mom. Above all other crazy, sad, painful, confusing feelings I have, THAT is the strongest feeling that comes though....I hope you always knew and will forever know that.
Happy Mother's Day my sweet angel mother. Take care of your beautiful grandbaby for me and tell him/her only the happiest of stories about me until I get there someday to be with you guys again. Give Gram a big hug for me and tell her I said thank you for raising you to be the best mom that I could have ever been blessed with.
XOXO to the moon and back a million times!
Love,
Nickerooney
I wish I could say all of this in person to you today. I want to say "Happy Mothers Day" to you and give you a sappy card and some cheesy predictable mothers day gift that we both end up making jokes about. But I am in the process of learning that what I want and wish for daily isn't something possible anymore. So this is what I'm left with....a blogged letter to you.
I hope that you and Gram had the absolute most perfect mother's day in heaven today. I imagine that is the only way things are done up there...perfectly....which is exactly what you deserve. I can totally see the two of you sitting there talking over your tea, or ice cream, and one of you starts into a giggle that leads both of you laughing to the point of tears. I have this picture in my head of you holding Gram's hand sitting on a sofa just like the one in her living room. And Papa waiting on "his girls" hand and foot (which we both know he deep down loved to do). So, am I close?
No need for me to tell you about how my day went, you saw. The surprise brunch was nice. The kids LOVED the chocolate fountain! And once again, Ben and I attempted a family picture which resulted in half our faces being cut off ;) one day we'll get it right!
But I made it through the day. Not without some tears and some deep breaths, but I got out of bed and enjoyed parts of the day (which isn't something I thought I was going to end up doing when lying awake all last night thinking). I'm proud of myself for doing that, mom. Sounds ridiculous to say that, doesn't it? Being proud of yourself for getting out of bed and enjoying the day....if I was someone who never experienced the loss of a mother and best friend I would say it sound pathetic. But I am experiencing that loss. So I do feel a sense of accomplishment in finding enjoyment in any part of my day. Of course, Ben, Nate and Brooke are good reasons to find enjoyment :) its just that Mothers day feels so different to me now. It feels like "half", if that even makes any sense. It just hurts knowing that my first ever reason for celebrating a mother's day isn't here anymore to celebrate with. I don't know if that'll ever get better for me.
I have to ask you....the hawk over the playground today- that was you, right? I told Ben to look up and we both just knew. And it was you yesterday checking in on me during the yard sale wasn't it...you always pick the perfect time to let me know you're still around. Its something I look for every single day, mom...so keep it coming!
I love you mom. Above all other crazy, sad, painful, confusing feelings I have, THAT is the strongest feeling that comes though....I hope you always knew and will forever know that.
Happy Mother's Day my sweet angel mother. Take care of your beautiful grandbaby for me and tell him/her only the happiest of stories about me until I get there someday to be with you guys again. Give Gram a big hug for me and tell her I said thank you for raising you to be the best mom that I could have ever been blessed with.
XOXO to the moon and back a million times!
Love,
Nickerooney
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Thanks alot Hallmark
I ran in to Walgreens this morning. Doesn't sound like it should have been any kind of traumatic or emotional experience, right? I went in for masking tape....not exactly the kind of purchase that would lead you to tears! But I walked past the aisle of Mother's Day cards. Some cute little funny ones caught my eye and I stopped to look at them thinking "oh I should get one for Kristy! And send one to Gina...and I need one for my mother-in-law". I really wish I would have walked right past that stupid aisle. I picked up a few and read them and immediately teared up and started crying....RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF WALGREENS for Christ's sake! I caught myself and pulled it somewhat together just in time before my father-in-law snuck up behind me. He stopped in to get his mom a card. I don't think he noticed my tears because I stayed buried in the cards and made little eye contact when talking. Had he noticed, I know he would have hugged me and that would've totally led me to fall apart and I did NOT want that to happen in aisle 4 of a drug store. Hallmark set my day up on a bad note. Hallmark is now ion my sh*t list! Its a beautiful day outside and I am a f-ing wreck because I read a stupid bedazzled piece of paper thanking someone for loving them unconditionally and sharing in every major moment of their life. I was crying because the god dammed card companies refined me that the person who helped form me and my beliefs, the person that shared in all of MY special times, the person who loved me before I was even born was gone! Mother's Day is not the same for me now....it just isn't. And I feel like I have been just cycling around in this "it's all painfully different" kind of way now. Especially in the months of April and now May.
April 23, 2011....the first time I wasn't able to sing "Happy Birthday" to my mom and watch her smirk at me and tell me my si singing "doesn't improve with age but the delivery makes up for it". I was holding my breath for this day because I didn't know how it was going to effect me. I knew that I would need to be around family to keep me together, and thankfully I was. The first half of the day I just laid in bed and melted into my pillow with random bursts of tears...."she's gone, really gone. Not here to let us fuss over for the day. No birthday cake for her to cut. No presents for her to open and tell us we shouldn't have but glad we did. I don't get to hug my mother today and tell her I love her to the moon and back 10million times...its not fair!" All I wanted to do was hide in bed and let this day pass- mom's birthday. Her birthday is shadowed by her death day. And the pain is still all too fresh.
Todd and my nephews all came over so that we could be together to "celebrate" moms birthday....sounds like a funny way to describe it considering the dark cloud of grief that invades all happy moments for us. Ben picked up mom's favorite meal for us to have just as we would have had she been here to enjoy it. She LOVED the chicken masala from Bontempo Brothers. Todd and Ben got out and played some lax with the kids. I stayed on the deck trying to get pics and for a second I felt like mom....that's where she would've been, on the deck, watching, smiling, taking pictures. I don't want to be the "matriarch" of the family, that's HER title and I'm not ready to take it on and yet I know she would be disappointed if I didn't step up. Mom believed that all families need at least 1 person to take the reigns and make sure everyone still gets together, plans family dinners, keep lines of communication flowing and just keep the family interlaced with each other. She tried to do that as much as possible, and now I guess its my turn.
We sent balloons up with messages to mom - 8 pink and purple balloons with little blue cards tied to them. It was windy and I was afraid the balloons were going to get stuck in one of the hundreds of trees that surround our house, but the minute we all started the count down the wind stopped. Not a trace of wind blew until after the balloons where well over the trees....tell me that wasn't a total work of my mom!
The best part was my youngest nephew, Brody, saying "i don't see her. How's grandma getting the balloons if I can't see her", to which my brother responded, "close your eyes, Bubba, you can see her there." And that's exactly what Bubba did.....and he had the best smile ever on his face!
The next day was Easter. Mom usually spent Easter with Todd. But she was always there that evening to tell me about all of the delicious food she stuffed herself with and how the baskets were everywhere and how the flowers in Todd and Nicole's front garden were absolutely gorgeous. I came home from Easter with my in-laws craving the predictability of that conversation with my beautiful sweet mama.
I miss you mom. I miss you and everything that we shared. You were my first best friend and my truest bff. I hope you got our balloons and read our messages. I meant every word. Sunday is going to be hard on me...I wish you were her to tell me what I should do to get through it. I am happy that you get to share a mothers day again with Gram, but am so selfish in wishing I had you here for myself to celebrate with. I love you mama. And no Hallmark card could describe the gratitude and love I have towards you and for you....Hallmark ain't got nothing on us, kid ;)
April 23, 2011....the first time I wasn't able to sing "Happy Birthday" to my mom and watch her smirk at me and tell me my si singing "doesn't improve with age but the delivery makes up for it". I was holding my breath for this day because I didn't know how it was going to effect me. I knew that I would need to be around family to keep me together, and thankfully I was. The first half of the day I just laid in bed and melted into my pillow with random bursts of tears...."she's gone, really gone. Not here to let us fuss over for the day. No birthday cake for her to cut. No presents for her to open and tell us we shouldn't have but glad we did. I don't get to hug my mother today and tell her I love her to the moon and back 10million times...its not fair!" All I wanted to do was hide in bed and let this day pass- mom's birthday. Her birthday is shadowed by her death day. And the pain is still all too fresh.
Todd and my nephews all came over so that we could be together to "celebrate" moms birthday....sounds like a funny way to describe it considering the dark cloud of grief that invades all happy moments for us. Ben picked up mom's favorite meal for us to have just as we would have had she been here to enjoy it. She LOVED the chicken masala from Bontempo Brothers. Todd and Ben got out and played some lax with the kids. I stayed on the deck trying to get pics and for a second I felt like mom....that's where she would've been, on the deck, watching, smiling, taking pictures. I don't want to be the "matriarch" of the family, that's HER title and I'm not ready to take it on and yet I know she would be disappointed if I didn't step up. Mom believed that all families need at least 1 person to take the reigns and make sure everyone still gets together, plans family dinners, keep lines of communication flowing and just keep the family interlaced with each other. She tried to do that as much as possible, and now I guess its my turn.
We sent balloons up with messages to mom - 8 pink and purple balloons with little blue cards tied to them. It was windy and I was afraid the balloons were going to get stuck in one of the hundreds of trees that surround our house, but the minute we all started the count down the wind stopped. Not a trace of wind blew until after the balloons where well over the trees....tell me that wasn't a total work of my mom!
The best part was my youngest nephew, Brody, saying "i don't see her. How's grandma getting the balloons if I can't see her", to which my brother responded, "close your eyes, Bubba, you can see her there." And that's exactly what Bubba did.....and he had the best smile ever on his face!
The next day was Easter. Mom usually spent Easter with Todd. But she was always there that evening to tell me about all of the delicious food she stuffed herself with and how the baskets were everywhere and how the flowers in Todd and Nicole's front garden were absolutely gorgeous. I came home from Easter with my in-laws craving the predictability of that conversation with my beautiful sweet mama.
I miss you mom. I miss you and everything that we shared. You were my first best friend and my truest bff. I hope you got our balloons and read our messages. I meant every word. Sunday is going to be hard on me...I wish you were her to tell me what I should do to get through it. I am happy that you get to share a mothers day again with Gram, but am so selfish in wishing I had you here for myself to celebrate with. I love you mama. And no Hallmark card could describe the gratitude and love I have towards you and for you....Hallmark ain't got nothing on us, kid ;)
Thursday, April 21, 2011
This storage unit holds much more than just her "stuff"
At some point along in this unwanted journey I'm forced to take, I know that I have to sort through my mom's things and decide what to do with it all. She has a storage unit full of boxes and furniture and then of course all of her things that are still in her room in my basement. I have been avoiding this task and even used my husband's work-in-progress on the basement as an excuse as to why I can't get into her room yet. I don't want to face it and dive in....where do I even start?
Well, yesterday I made an attempt. Albeit a lackluster one, it was an attempt none the less. I ventured into mom's storage unit., or as I see it, her time capsule. I made Ben meet me there after work and took both kids with me because deep down I was hoping somehow they would be able to make this job pain free and distract me enough that it wouldn't phase me that I was routing through the last things left of mom. No such luck.
Opening that metal garage-style door to the storage unit was like opening the door to a time machine that sent me back 6years, 10years, 25 years ago. Lifting the tops to boxes and finding miniture clocks mom collected and all of her collectors plates that I made fun of for so may years was like someone sucking the air right out of my lungs- it took my breath away and I don't know that I've gotten it back yet. Her bed is right up front in the unit. A beautiful canopy bed with the four posts that other rails connect to at the top. I remember always thinking it was so tall and just big all around....yesterday it seemed smaller and not as royal as I once pictured it. In fact, all of mom's furniture seemed smaller to me. Her hope chest that used to be long enough for me to stretch completely out on is now just long enough to sit and prop my legs up on. The dinning room chairs that were so fancy and beyond heavy to me back in the day now were just pretty, almost dainty looking chairs sitiing there. The home that mom created for me that I lived in for 20+ years seemed so grand and colossal at the time. And I want it to stay that way for me, but it's not. All of those items that surrounded me seem so much less now that mom's gone. I can't imagine letting any of it go.
For whatever reason, I made the mistake of thinking I was strong enough to head into my basement and get into my mom's room. Her overstuffed recliner is still sitting there just how she left it when Todd had to take her to the er on Dec 3. Her Oil of Olay lotion on the shelves right next to it with the top only half on like she had a habit of leaving it. But what really broke me was seeing her shoe sitting there on the floor....her shoe....a stupid, old, dirty white shoe started the tears flowing. I hadn't even touched a thing yet and here I see a shoe and it just shatters me like baseball hitting a window. It was like I had just learned of my mother's passing in that moment for the first time all over again. God damn that shoe! How am I supposed to get through her things? How am I supposed to go through all of her stuff and make decisions to give some of it away when I can't even look at a stinky old Sketcher slip-on tennis shoe without completely falling apart?
I sat on the couch in mom's room to try and pull it together and I could still smell her perfume on some of her clothes sitting next to me. I didn't touch them or pick them up, but I could smell the soft warmth that was the scent of her perfume faintly coming from them. And that was all I could do.....just sit there. I stopped crying and just sat. Silence. Starring. And all of it starring right back at me. And once again, I felt the air being sucked right out of me and the sickening sense of helplessness overwhelmed me. I am no where near as strong as I hoped I would be. Right now, I'd give anything to have even an ounce of the courage my mom carried ....
*I miss helping you put on your shoes, mom. I love you.
Well, yesterday I made an attempt. Albeit a lackluster one, it was an attempt none the less. I ventured into mom's storage unit., or as I see it, her time capsule. I made Ben meet me there after work and took both kids with me because deep down I was hoping somehow they would be able to make this job pain free and distract me enough that it wouldn't phase me that I was routing through the last things left of mom. No such luck.
Opening that metal garage-style door to the storage unit was like opening the door to a time machine that sent me back 6years, 10years, 25 years ago. Lifting the tops to boxes and finding miniture clocks mom collected and all of her collectors plates that I made fun of for so may years was like someone sucking the air right out of my lungs- it took my breath away and I don't know that I've gotten it back yet. Her bed is right up front in the unit. A beautiful canopy bed with the four posts that other rails connect to at the top. I remember always thinking it was so tall and just big all around....yesterday it seemed smaller and not as royal as I once pictured it. In fact, all of mom's furniture seemed smaller to me. Her hope chest that used to be long enough for me to stretch completely out on is now just long enough to sit and prop my legs up on. The dinning room chairs that were so fancy and beyond heavy to me back in the day now were just pretty, almost dainty looking chairs sitiing there. The home that mom created for me that I lived in for 20+ years seemed so grand and colossal at the time. And I want it to stay that way for me, but it's not. All of those items that surrounded me seem so much less now that mom's gone. I can't imagine letting any of it go.
For whatever reason, I made the mistake of thinking I was strong enough to head into my basement and get into my mom's room. Her overstuffed recliner is still sitting there just how she left it when Todd had to take her to the er on Dec 3. Her Oil of Olay lotion on the shelves right next to it with the top only half on like she had a habit of leaving it. But what really broke me was seeing her shoe sitting there on the floor....her shoe....a stupid, old, dirty white shoe started the tears flowing. I hadn't even touched a thing yet and here I see a shoe and it just shatters me like baseball hitting a window. It was like I had just learned of my mother's passing in that moment for the first time all over again. God damn that shoe! How am I supposed to get through her things? How am I supposed to go through all of her stuff and make decisions to give some of it away when I can't even look at a stinky old Sketcher slip-on tennis shoe without completely falling apart?
I sat on the couch in mom's room to try and pull it together and I could still smell her perfume on some of her clothes sitting next to me. I didn't touch them or pick them up, but I could smell the soft warmth that was the scent of her perfume faintly coming from them. And that was all I could do.....just sit there. I stopped crying and just sat. Silence. Starring. And all of it starring right back at me. And once again, I felt the air being sucked right out of me and the sickening sense of helplessness overwhelmed me. I am no where near as strong as I hoped I would be. Right now, I'd give anything to have even an ounce of the courage my mom carried ....
*I miss helping you put on your shoes, mom. I love you.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Pink Trees and Allergies
Finally a beautiful day- 82 degrees and the sun was shining bright. The signs of spring have been popping up all around: the grass is greener, daffodils are in bloom around all of the mail boxes, the slapping sounds of flip flops on every mom running errands, convertibles have the tops down and the radios up. The one sign here at home that I can alwasy count on is the "pink tree" blooming.
At the top of my driveway is a weeping cherry tree. When we first moved in, almost 6 years ago, my mom and I wondered what kind of tree it was and what it would look like in the spring (we moved-in in the middle of Nov so everything was dull and dying). That first spring we were mesmerized with the beautiful pink flowers that covered that once dull, dead looking tree. And every spring since, we (mom especially) would look forward to the weeks of pink beauty to sit and get lost in.
Today I noticed the tree is starting to bud it's pink beauty...and mom's not here this year to comment on it. "Look, it's almost Easter- the pink tree is starting to pop!". It went from being a sign I looked forward to, a symbol of new life and new beginnings, to a sign that only burns the reminder that change has come that I'm still not ok with and that a new life began in heaven leaving my life as I knew it forever different.
I sat out on my deck for a bit today after getting the kids off to school and ran through every memory I could of my mom and how she LOVED to spend time outside in the warm weather. I remembered her sweeping the deck religiously and telling me it felt almost theraputic to her to clear away the dead leaves or dried mud from footprints. I remembered her sitting in the rocking chair working on her word searches. I remembered mom suggesting a day at the park every morning she woke up and heard the temp was going to be 70 or above. I remembered mom standing under that pink tree starring out into the back yard that was decorated and filled with her friends and family surprising her at her Surprise 61st birthday party. And I remembered mom telling Ben that if he cut down the "pink tree" to lengthen our driveway, like he once considered, that he would end up regretting it...and she was right. That tree has a stronger meaning and importance to me now. It brings on a pain that I can't really put into words- but it's a pain that hurts good. Does that even make sense? So of course as I was sitting out there thinking, my eyes teared up which then lead my nose to run. And that, in turn, lead me to chuckle at yet another memory of my mom. She would tease me every year around this time because I would have to carry around tissues with me because of allergies that progressively got worse through the season. She laughed at the way I sneezed...said I sound like a mouse! And then would mimick me sniffleing. So was it my tears and runny nose today that came on from my memories & sadness? Or was it my allergies kicking in and enhancing the emotions? That is totally something that mom and I would laugh and joke about if she were here....
A very good friend of mine told me the other day that it seems like I am worrying too much about making sure everyone around me is ok and trying to convince them that I am ok. The last thing I want is to get emotional around people and make them uncomfortable. She told me that I need to stop worrying about what everyone else is thinking and let myself feel whatever it is I am feeling in that moment. She's got a good point. It is frustrating to try and push my greif aside and just tell people what I know they want to hear..."I'm good. I know mom's watching over me and that she's in my heart. I keep myself busy.". However, how do you tell someone that your heart feels broken every minute of every day, some more than others. How do you tell people that the distractions you can come up with throughout the day never seem to last long enough? It sounds a little rough to say "today sucks and I'm just in a shitty mood & can't stop crying over the most random things". So to say "I'm ok" just seems easier.
I almost wonder if this on-again-of-again warm weather is happening slowly as a way to ease me into spring. Maybe it's mom's way of saying "Hey Nik, I know this change of season this year is going to be especially rough on you, so I'm going to just spoon feed it to you so you can take your time with it". She would totally do that if she's got the power to. And that would explain why today was 82 and tomorrow is only supposed to be 57. But that's my mom for you- always looking out for her babies....
I love you mom! I'm missing you a lot today. Here's to the years we shared together of pink trees and allergies...
At the top of my driveway is a weeping cherry tree. When we first moved in, almost 6 years ago, my mom and I wondered what kind of tree it was and what it would look like in the spring (we moved-in in the middle of Nov so everything was dull and dying). That first spring we were mesmerized with the beautiful pink flowers that covered that once dull, dead looking tree. And every spring since, we (mom especially) would look forward to the weeks of pink beauty to sit and get lost in.
Today I noticed the tree is starting to bud it's pink beauty...and mom's not here this year to comment on it. "Look, it's almost Easter- the pink tree is starting to pop!". It went from being a sign I looked forward to, a symbol of new life and new beginnings, to a sign that only burns the reminder that change has come that I'm still not ok with and that a new life began in heaven leaving my life as I knew it forever different.
I sat out on my deck for a bit today after getting the kids off to school and ran through every memory I could of my mom and how she LOVED to spend time outside in the warm weather. I remembered her sweeping the deck religiously and telling me it felt almost theraputic to her to clear away the dead leaves or dried mud from footprints. I remembered her sitting in the rocking chair working on her word searches. I remembered mom suggesting a day at the park every morning she woke up and heard the temp was going to be 70 or above. I remembered mom standing under that pink tree starring out into the back yard that was decorated and filled with her friends and family surprising her at her Surprise 61st birthday party. And I remembered mom telling Ben that if he cut down the "pink tree" to lengthen our driveway, like he once considered, that he would end up regretting it...and she was right. That tree has a stronger meaning and importance to me now. It brings on a pain that I can't really put into words- but it's a pain that hurts good. Does that even make sense?A very good friend of mine told me the other day that it seems like I am worrying too much about making sure everyone around me is ok and trying to convince them that I am ok. The last thing I want is to get emotional around people and make them uncomfortable. She told me that I need to stop worrying about what everyone else is thinking and let myself feel whatever it is I am feeling in that moment. She's got a good point. It is frustrating to try and push my greif aside and just tell people what I know they want to hear..."I'm good. I know mom's watching over me and that she's in my heart. I keep myself busy.". However, how do you tell someone that your heart feels broken every minute of every day, some more than others. How do you tell people that the distractions you can come up with throughout the day never seem to last long enough? It sounds a little rough to say "today sucks and I'm just in a shitty mood & can't stop crying over the most random things". So to say "I'm ok" just seems easier.
I almost wonder if this on-again-of-again warm weather is happening slowly as a way to ease me into spring. Maybe it's mom's way of saying "Hey Nik, I know this change of season this year is going to be especially rough on you, so I'm going to just spoon feed it to you so you can take your time with it". She would totally do that if she's got the power to. And that would explain why today was 82 and tomorrow is only supposed to be 57. But that's my mom for you- always looking out for her babies....
I love you mom! I'm missing you a lot today. Here's to the years we shared together of pink trees and allergies...
Friday, April 1, 2011
Simple is something to get used to.
I was driving home from dropping Brooke off at school yesterday and was thinking that I really don't have anything crazy going on in life right now- nothing "exciting". I used to wish for such a time...and now I'm wondering if that desired "quiet time" is a good thing or a bad thing.
For the first time in 4 years, life seems just simple, No worrying about fandom high fevers that result in a trip to the ER, no making sure medicines are taken at the same time every day-some with food, some without. I don't have anymore late nights of changing tubes, bags or bandages. No worrying over Ct scans and PETscan results and whether they are going to show new tumor growth, no more all day stays at chemo. No more trying to figure out how to get my kids plus stay at the hospital to answer questions about mom & to talk try and catch a dr to answer questions that I have. - no longer have those major worries- it's all "simple" now. Simple can be a blessing, especially if you feel that you are juggling so many different issues in life that it seems like you aren't focused 100% on anything. But it can also be scary if you're not used to it. I mean, it IS nice to not have a major worry for once, however I'm not sure I know how to handle a "smooth ride" without creating more fear in myself that any minute now something awful is going to happen...again. It's a whole new way of thinking and living that I am really trying to train myself to be comfortable with. It's a process.
In the past year, I have lost 4 people that have held some form of true value in my life...
1) My Grandmother passed away Feb 26 last year. We knew it was coming, we knew it was a blessing for her to finally have all of her suffering and fears to be gone, but she was my grandma- the only grandma I ever really had any relationship with and can say was involved in my life. And I saw the pain that her passing brought to my mom...pain I never wanted to experience, but knew one day I would.
2) This past January A very close and dear friend of mine lost her husband in his sleep. Rick was an incredibly giving man that never thought twice about helping my family in any way he could. He was a photographer and brought all of his equipment and backdrops to my house during Christmas last year to take family photos of my mom and all of us because she was too weak to go out to him. He did that without ever thinking anything other than we NEEDED to have such valuable shots with my mom. HE knew that one day they would be all we had of her to physically lay our eyes on and remember her beautiful smile and loving eyes. Those photos are twice as precious to me now....I love you Rick for taking them!
3) Feb 2, 2011 I held my mom's hand and witnessed her last breath. I kissed her forehead for the very last time that day. I lost her smile, her voice, her hugs, our giggles, our chats, or fights and our routines. But I still have her memory, her lessons she taught me and her love. I feel the pain that she felt when my grandma died. That sting that comes with every glance of an object that belonged to her, that unwanted sense of quietness that fills the house even when my kids are screaming, and that ache that overwhelms me when I know that I can't change her being gone. It really is so overwhelming at times.
4) Exactly 2weeks to the day of losing my mom, my brother called me to tell me that a good high school friend of ours died early that morning. Chris and I had a friendship that was different and special. I met him when I was in 8th grade and remained close all through high school. We shared many memories together. He was my high school crush before I found my life long love in Ben, and was my jr prom date in his Marine blues. He was a big part of my teen life and was one of my core group of friends that I could always turn to for anything. Chris taught me alot about myself and what I deserved in a relationship- and I don't think he ever knew he did that. It is his death that has brought those few special people that I was closest to in high school back into my life and I hate that he is not here to reminisce with us all. The "group" will forever be different without him.
That is alot of loss to take in and have to accept in under 365 days. A lot of grief that has been piled on to work through and sort out. No rest in between to come to grips with the new reality that is now before the next smack comes along and knocks you down again. It makes you nervous to fully stand back up and even try to steady yourself....I don't want to be knocked down anymore.
There is one comfort that I find sends a sense of calm in to my thoughts...my belief in Heaven. I know that all of those beautiful souls of my family and friends that I love and cared about are experiencing pure bliss and complete happiness in Heaven. They are not missing me or anyone....they feel no pain, sadness or sorrow. I know that God has them safe...no doubt in my mind that God has them. I pray that they can feel all of the love that remains here on earth in my heart for them. I know that they are celebrating and living the "simple" lives that were waiting for them in Heaven. I'm trying to learn to do the same as best as I can here on earth. Simple will sit fine with me....someday.
For the first time in 4 years, life seems just simple, No worrying about fandom high fevers that result in a trip to the ER, no making sure medicines are taken at the same time every day-some with food, some without. I don't have anymore late nights of changing tubes, bags or bandages. No worrying over Ct scans and PETscan results and whether they are going to show new tumor growth, no more all day stays at chemo. No more trying to figure out how to get my kids plus stay at the hospital to answer questions about mom & to talk try and catch a dr to answer questions that I have. - no longer have those major worries- it's all "simple" now. Simple can be a blessing, especially if you feel that you are juggling so many different issues in life that it seems like you aren't focused 100% on anything. But it can also be scary if you're not used to it. I mean, it IS nice to not have a major worry for once, however I'm not sure I know how to handle a "smooth ride" without creating more fear in myself that any minute now something awful is going to happen...again. It's a whole new way of thinking and living that I am really trying to train myself to be comfortable with. It's a process.
In the past year, I have lost 4 people that have held some form of true value in my life...
1) My Grandmother passed away Feb 26 last year. We knew it was coming, we knew it was a blessing for her to finally have all of her suffering and fears to be gone, but she was my grandma- the only grandma I ever really had any relationship with and can say was involved in my life. And I saw the pain that her passing brought to my mom...pain I never wanted to experience, but knew one day I would.
2) This past January A very close and dear friend of mine lost her husband in his sleep. Rick was an incredibly giving man that never thought twice about helping my family in any way he could. He was a photographer and brought all of his equipment and backdrops to my house during Christmas last year to take family photos of my mom and all of us because she was too weak to go out to him. He did that without ever thinking anything other than we NEEDED to have such valuable shots with my mom. HE knew that one day they would be all we had of her to physically lay our eyes on and remember her beautiful smile and loving eyes. Those photos are twice as precious to me now....I love you Rick for taking them!
3) Feb 2, 2011 I held my mom's hand and witnessed her last breath. I kissed her forehead for the very last time that day. I lost her smile, her voice, her hugs, our giggles, our chats, or fights and our routines. But I still have her memory, her lessons she taught me and her love. I feel the pain that she felt when my grandma died. That sting that comes with every glance of an object that belonged to her, that unwanted sense of quietness that fills the house even when my kids are screaming, and that ache that overwhelms me when I know that I can't change her being gone. It really is so overwhelming at times.
4) Exactly 2weeks to the day of losing my mom, my brother called me to tell me that a good high school friend of ours died early that morning. Chris and I had a friendship that was different and special. I met him when I was in 8th grade and remained close all through high school. We shared many memories together. He was my high school crush before I found my life long love in Ben, and was my jr prom date in his Marine blues. He was a big part of my teen life and was one of my core group of friends that I could always turn to for anything. Chris taught me alot about myself and what I deserved in a relationship- and I don't think he ever knew he did that. It is his death that has brought those few special people that I was closest to in high school back into my life and I hate that he is not here to reminisce with us all. The "group" will forever be different without him.
That is alot of loss to take in and have to accept in under 365 days. A lot of grief that has been piled on to work through and sort out. No rest in between to come to grips with the new reality that is now before the next smack comes along and knocks you down again. It makes you nervous to fully stand back up and even try to steady yourself....I don't want to be knocked down anymore.
There is one comfort that I find sends a sense of calm in to my thoughts...my belief in Heaven. I know that all of those beautiful souls of my family and friends that I love and cared about are experiencing pure bliss and complete happiness in Heaven. They are not missing me or anyone....they feel no pain, sadness or sorrow. I know that God has them safe...no doubt in my mind that God has them. I pray that they can feel all of the love that remains here on earth in my heart for them. I know that they are celebrating and living the "simple" lives that were waiting for them in Heaven. I'm trying to learn to do the same as best as I can here on earth. Simple will sit fine with me....someday.
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