Pink Trees and Allergies

        Finally a beautiful day- 82 degrees and the sun was shining bright. The signs of spring have been popping up all around:  the grass is greener, daffodils are in bloom around all of the mail boxes, the slapping sounds of flip flops on every mom running errands, convertibles have the tops down and the radios up. The one sign here at home that I can alwasy count on is the "pink tree" blooming.
          At the top of my driveway is a weeping cherry tree. When we first moved in, almost 6 years ago, my mom and I wondered what kind of tree it was and what it would look like in the spring (we moved-in in the middle of Nov so everything was dull and dying). That first spring we were mesmerized with the beautiful pink flowers that covered that once dull, dead looking tree. And every spring since, we (mom especially) would look forward to the weeks of pink beauty to sit and get lost in.
         Today I noticed the tree is starting to bud it's pink beauty...and mom's not here this year to comment on it. "Look, it's almost Easter- the pink tree is starting to pop!". It went from being a sign I looked forward to, a symbol of new life and new beginnings, to a sign that only burns the reminder that change has come that I'm still not ok with and that a new life began in heaven leaving my life as I knew it forever different.

          I sat out on my deck for a bit today after getting the kids off to school and ran through every memory I could of my mom and how she LOVED to spend time outside in the warm weather. I remembered her sweeping the deck religiously and telling me it felt almost theraputic to her to clear away the dead leaves or dried mud from footprints. I remembered her sitting in the rocking chair working on her word searches. I remembered mom suggesting a day at the park every morning she woke up and heard the temp was going to be 70 or above. I remembered mom standing under that pink tree starring out into the back yard that was decorated and filled with her friends and family surprising her at her Surprise 61st birthday party. And I remembered mom telling Ben that if he cut down the "pink tree" to lengthen our driveway, like he once considered, that he would end up regretting it...and she was right. That tree has a stronger meaning and importance to me now. It brings on a pain that I can't really put into words- but it's a pain that hurts good. Does that even make sense?

          So of course as I was sitting out there thinking, my eyes teared up which then lead my nose to run. And that, in turn, lead me to chuckle at yet another memory of my mom. She would tease me every year around this time because I would have to carry around tissues with me because of allergies that progressively got worse through the season. She laughed at the way I sneezed...said I sound like a mouse! And then would mimick me sniffleing. So was it my tears and runny nose today that came on from my memories & sadness? Or was it my allergies kicking in and enhancing the emotions? That is totally something that mom and I would laugh and joke about if she were here....
            A very good friend of mine told me the other day that it seems like I am worrying too much about making sure everyone around me is ok and trying to convince them that I am ok. The last thing I want is to get emotional around people and make them uncomfortable. She told me that I need to stop worrying about what everyone else is thinking and let myself feel whatever it is I am feeling in that moment. She's got a good point. It is frustrating to try and push my greif aside and just tell people what I know they want to hear..."I'm good. I know mom's watching over me and that she's in my heart. I keep myself busy.". However, how do you tell someone that your heart feels broken every minute of every day, some more than others. How do you tell people that the distractions you can come up with throughout the day never seem to last long enough? It sounds a little rough to say "today sucks and I'm just in a shitty mood & can't stop crying over the most random things". So to say "I'm ok" just seems easier.
           I almost wonder if this on-again-of-again warm weather is happening slowly as a way to ease me into spring. Maybe it's mom's way of saying "Hey Nik, I know this change of season this year is going to be especially rough on you, so I'm going to just spoon feed it to you so you can take your time with it". She would totally do that if she's got the power to. And that would explain why today was 82 and tomorrow is only supposed to be 57. But that's my mom for you- always looking out for her babies....
                      I love you mom! I'm missing you a lot today. Here's to the years we shared together of pink trees and allergies...