Proud Mama Moment

    I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that every mother out there experiences they're fair share of "Proud Mama Moments".  I had one today :)
    Nate started in Cub Scouts this year.  He loves it!  And he'll tell you he loves it for many different reasons.  My personal favorite reason he gives is because he knows that it is something that his Great Grandfather loved doing and that being in scouts is something that "makes Grandma proud".   Today was his Blue and Gold Banquet where the different dens in the pack  "graduate" on to the next step in scouting.  Nate's den graduated from Tiger status to Wolf status. He thinks that is the coolest thing- to be a Wolf!  I loved seeing him and his best little buds up on the stage, dressed in their class A uniforms, receiving their new badges and pins, and shaking the hands of their scout leaders and Cub Master like the adorable little gentlemen that they are! But that wasn't even my proudest moment of the day. 
    You see, Nate won a little contest in which his artwork was chosen out of all of the scouts in the pack to be the cover of the 2011 Blue and Gold Banquet Program.  (We found this out when we first arrived today) It's not the fact that he won that gave me pride, it was the fact that HE was so proud of himself!  Seeing his face display both joy and pride is what made my heart feel like it could burst.  Walking in to the banquet, some of the adults and the other scouts congratulated him and said "great job, Nate!" and he thanked them with a big ol' smile on his face.  And when one of the little boys said, "I wish mine would've been in the program", Nate turned and said "It's OK because we all did really good pictures. You may win next year and make the cover on the next one!"  That's my boy! He is always so good to try and lift up a peer that may be having a bummed out moment and point out the positive spin on things. ( I can't even begin to tell you how many times he has done this for me in the past year...I love that about him!)
      Nate came to me halfway through the ceremony holding his program with a calm and heavy look in his eye and quietly said, "Hey Mom, Grandma would've really liked to see this.  I wish she were here for me to show her that my picture is on the cover."  Good Lord that choked me up!!  All I could muster up to say was "I know, buddy. Me too."
       Nate and my mom had the strongest bond and connection that is possible between a grandmother and her grandchild.  And I know that he thinks about her all of the time and misses her more than anything.  He'll bring her up somehow in everything that he does and at the most random times.  I hate that his little heart feels such a tremendous loss at such a young age, but am so incredibly grateful that he experienced such a wonderful unconditional love that a lot of children never get to share with a grandparent.
     My mom passed before she got a chance to see Nate really involved in Cub Scouts.  She missed his first Pinewood Derby Race which was something that they talked alot about before he even signed up for cub scouts.  And Nate is completely right in that Grandma would be so proud of him and would have loved to see him active in all of this.  She used to tell Nate stories of her dad (Nate's Great-Grandfather) being in scouts all the way up to Eagle scout and all of the fun he had camping and building friendships and racing pinewood derby cars.  Really, I credit my mom with Nate's involvement in scouts.  She's the one who peaked his interest in cub scouts at all. And it breaks my heart (even more that it already feels broken) that she is not here to cheer Nate on and hug him when he's accomplished something great and share in his moment.  Yes, I will do all of that, but it's not the same for him....and I hate that he doesn't have that.  I hate that mom is not physically here for him having her heart fill with the pride and joy that it always did when it came to her grandkids!
    Today, like many others since my mom's death, has been bitter sweet.  I had feelings of happiness, pride, love and joy....but for each of those wonderful feelings I also felt that sting of sadness, loss and anger.  And the anger is not at my mom for not being here. Not at all.  My anger is totally on the cancer that took my beautiful mother and robbed her of time with her family and robbed my innocent son of his best friend.  I pray for the day that I can feel the "good feeling" again purely and without the shadow of sadness hanging over....I wonder if that day will ever exist for me?
   The love that I have as a mother is the greatest gift that God has ever blessed me with.  I don't take being a parent lightly- I want to soak up every sweet (and sometimes not so sweet) moment that comes with raising my children.  And if I'm going to be honest, I have to admit that having such a wonderful mother myself who never once failed to show her love for me is what has made me want to be a true "mother" to my babies.  I just get scared that I won't be at my best with Nate and Brooke now that my role model is gone....Thank God my kids are forgiving and can always lead me back on to the right track simply with a hug and a smile :)

     Dear Mom,
          Did you see Nate today?  His smile was bright enough that I am sure you must have seen it from Heaven!!  You would've been so proud of him today- he's a Wolf now.  And the art skills that you always encouraged in him led his picture to be on the cover of their banquet program!!! How cool is that?!
    He misses you alot, mom.  We all do.  He thanked Ben and I for signing him up for scouts last night on the way home from  the mall.  He said he has fun with it and can't wait to go camping for the first time in May...then he said he really likes it most because he knows it's something that makes you proud.  He's always thinking of you and what you would say or feel about something he's doing.  He wants to make you proud- and I know you are!
    Brookie told me the other day that it was raining because you were in Heaven playing with the sprinkler just like you did here with her and Nate.  I am choosing to follow her in that thought.  She hugged herself again this morning coming out of church....I now know that when she does that she is hugging you.  I know you are with them mom, but if you could, visit them in a dream....give them a hug that they can feel back again.  They miss your hugs a LOT.
   I'm trying to stay strong, mom, I really am. When the pain gets stronger than I can handle, I run your voice over and over in my head, "This too shall pass".  I miss you so much and still look to talk to you and share in my daily news....it hurts when I remember that I can't run down the steps to talk to you or pick up a phone and call and hear your voice.  But I'm doing like I know you would want me to do mom...I'm holding on to Benny, I'm looking to Nate and Brooke and clinging to every minute with them and my friends. I'll be ok- I had one hell of a role model for 31years and I will be as brave and strong through my hard days as you were!
   I love you so much , Mama! I miss you more than you will ever know!  I hope to see you in my dream tonight...send me a message how every you want, just promise to visit.
love you always!
nik