Now where?

I find myself asking the same question in my head a lot lately...."Well Nik, now where?"  It seems like I live at both ends of the "busyness scale" spectrum;  I'm either always running trying to get the errands done, meals cooked,  homework finished, sports practices, etc, OR I am sitting with not a single thing to do and starring at the four walls that hold this roof up over my head.  So the repeated question that runs through my head can be thought as rhetorical or can be answered in a literal sense.

   Friday morning was a mix of both.

I got Nate off to school and even managed to dry my hair and slap some make-up on before running out the door with Brooke to get her school day started.  I had the plan of my day set in my head  as well as a piece of paper and wanted to get a jump on it: 1. Close out Mom's bank account, 2. Take mom's death certificate up to Social Security  to have on file (because apparently the cremation place never notified the state of her death or something along those lines), and 3. Drop off the kids' old toys to the Good Will.  All of that and get back to pick Brookie up by 1pm from school.....no biggie, I've done way more in shorter periods of time.    

      Kissed my beautiful blue eyed baby, walked out of the school doors, got in my car, started it up and put it in drive.  Instead of heading towards Bel Air to the bank like my plan was, my brain must have been set on auto pilot and I started heading to Stella Maris Hospice. (My mom was there for the last month of her life and I went every single day but 1 because of an ice storm.  She has been gone for 6weeks. I haven't had to drive to SM for 6 WEEKS!! WHY DID I START BACK THAT WAY THIS MORNING!!)  I was just about halfway there when I realized what I was doing.  "Ugh, you dumb ass! What are you doing to yourself?!?! Get your sh*t together, you don't have a lot of time to waste like this!" is all I could think as I was turning around..  I felt my heart sink, again, when I realized, again, that I wasn't needed at SM anymore. But I kept my cool and just focused on getting my things done...No putzing around on days that I have a list!!

      Pulled up to the bank- no problem.  Turned off the car, got out, walked inside- no problem.  Walked up to the teller- no problem.  Opened my mouth to tell him I was there to shut down my mother's account- PROBLEM.  The minute I started to speak I started to choke up without any warning that my mind was going to go there! Honestly, the only thing that kept me from totally losing it was the look on the teller's face- priceless!  I mean, really though, what's so unusual about having a customer come in and start crying as they talk to you? What part of that through him off?!?  ;)

     After that embarrassment (and being shuffled over to the proper teller to show the death certificate to and have the account closed) I went back to my car to check off #1 on my "to do list" for the day.  I drove about 20 parking spots down from where I was in the shopping center before I had to pull over because that damned question in my head set me off crying. "Now where, Niki?"  I knew where.  I had it on my list right in front of me.  #2 -Take mom's death certificate up to Social Security ......this wasn't a surprise to me, I KNEW as of last night that this is what I was going to do today.  "SO WHY AM I SITTING HERE CRYING IN MY CAR OVER IT?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

     I called Ben.  God love that man, he is a saint I swear.  But he's never been one that is good at "talking you down from the ledge" if you know what I mean.  He is the greatest man walking this earth, in my eyes.  And he can do alot of things and solve alot of problems with knowledge that just seems to come to him naturally.  Me tearing up or crying at all  is not natural to him.  And I get it.  I understand that it's uncomfortable and no one knows what to say or what to do when confronted with such emotions.  He just cracks me up because in the midst of "listening to me" I can hear his brain racing thinking "what do I say, what do I say, what SHOULD I say?"....and in that, I end up most of the time with silence on the other end of the phone.  I don't blame him.  Who the hell wants to listen to someone cry or whine about something that can't be changed? He tried his best and gave me an old "I remember your mom flying to the bank on Friday's to deposit her checks when she did daycare".....his effort was there, and I love him for that.

     No SSA visit for this chick on Friday!  Last thing I needed to deal with was your typical, oh-so-cheery, "how may I help you today" attitude of the employees there.  So #2 on my list has been put of untill sometime next week.  Good news is that I did unloada bunch of junk at the Good Will, literally! My trunk was purged of the 3 bags of old toys and what not from that I've been carting around for the past few days. (Is it just me or does anyone else get a sense of relief when you bag up all of the crap in  your house and dispose of it?  Lucky me has a house that still holds many more chances for me to feel the relief--- crap is taking over my closets!!)

   Obviously, my morning to-do list was cut short and so I had an abundance of time to waste before stealing my baby girl back from preschool.  "Well Nik, now where?"  For a while, I just drove aimlessly around Bel Air listening to the radio and hoping that maybe mom would send me a sign and I'd hear a song that was ours or was special to us.  I ended up sitting at the duck pond she loved.  It was her go to place with Nate and Brooke.  I think I've spent more time there in the past month then I had the past year....really drives home the idea of having a 'happy place". 

      There were a couple of kids there with what I would guess were their moms.  Bubbles were being popped, ducks were being fed, and swings were squeaking from being used over and over again.  I just stayed in my car and watched.  There was one goose in the water that was making all kids of noise.  He was chasing away any of the other geese or ducks that would get too close to him.  I had to laugh because it reminded me of Nate as a toddler telling me of "the mean goose at the duck pond" that he saw with Grandma, and his imitating the honking sound the goose made. (That kid can really make you laugh hard when he wants to- he's always had the best sense of humor.)  "Ok, ma, is that your way of sending me a sign? A mean goose??"  Yeah, I know I sound nuts waiting for a sign from the great beyond, but listen people, she and I had a pact and I'm holding her little butt to it!

     My watch said 12:47pm...."Well Nik, at least this time you know where".

        So I got my Brookie from school and no sooner then her buckling her seat belt she said to me , "No where do we go, mama?"  HA! Really?! Did she seriously just ask that?!  No denying that little girl as mine! (And I thank God for that!)